Walking On The Wild Side

It is midnight and I am posting later than usual. I spent the evening finally completing a Christmas commitment. As a gift for my dad I promised to copy several CDs for his car so if they got stolen he would still have the originals at home. You gotta cover your ass that way in this town. Anyway, I spent a few hours duplicating about 30 CDs. Most were his but I threw in a few funky ones from my collection to stir it up a bit.

My day was spent at The Cancer Clinic for my pre chemo check up. I had to wait much longer than normal but my mom always accompanies me so we got some good girlie chatting in. I found out it is likely my chemo will be postponed for a week as my blood counts are not high enough to take a round. So send me good bone marrow vibes so my schedule is not disrupted. I don’t want to prolong this if I can help it. I go for another blood test the morning of my chemo, this Friday, and will know after that what the scoop is.

On Monday night my parents and I went for a walk around Lost Lagoon. I have mentioned this little gem before. It is a small lake right near the downtown centre. Mere blocks away is shopping and restaurants. Also my parents place. Among the various wildlife you are pretty much guaranteed to see there are ducks, geese, otters, herons, skunks, racoons, and swans. We saw everything but the skunks. That was made up for last night when one was hit by a car right outside my house thereby waking me from deep slumber with such a horrendous odour I could seriously taste it. Poor thing but holy crap, what a stench.

We also saw another regular at Lost Lagoon, which is this crazy old lady who feeds the swans every day. It is clearly stated on many signs throughout the area that it is totally prohibited to feed the animals. They want to keep them wild. And not fat. This freakshow has decided she is ‘one’ with the swans and it is her job to top up their diet with shitty white bread dissolved in buckets of water. I have seen her do this many times but I got a real eyeful on Monday night.

One of the swan couples has hatched a pair of babies that are so soft looking and cute you almost fall over. We Vancouverites celebrate springtime with all its little ducklings and other cute babies that follow their moms around the park. Swans have traditionally had a hard time of it as they don’t lay eggs as prolifically as ducks and what do actually hatch have a low survival rate with the coyotes, crows, rats and other predators lurking about. Some years no cygnets survive at all. So we were all very excited to see these two little grey powder puffs floating by mom and dad swan. Well, crazy fucker lady started getting pretty close to those babies and one of the parent swans was getting a bit agitated about it. It was rather fluffy and kept on trying to head this lady off as she was attempting to slip these babies some little tidbit from her bag. She was talking to them in German and very obviously scolding the swan for being so uncooperative. The swan obviously thought this whack job was getting too close to the little ones so it reached over and pecked at the lady’s shoes. I thought it was a nice but gentle warning, as I know those swans can kick ass if really riled up. But the dumbass lifted what I thought was her walking stick and rapped that swan over its beak like it was a delinquent child, scolding it in stern German the whole time. It shook its head and backed down and the babies got whatever shit was on offer.

Well, I was livid. What the hell was this woman thinking? It is one thing to feed garbage to these swans on a regular basis but to actually hit one when it was just protecting it’s young really pissed me off. Do not fuck with the wildlife in front of me because I too will do what nature intended. I will tattle on you to the authorities. And that is what I did.

I left a detailed message with the head of wildlife at The Parks Board and he left a detailed message in return. He said that she is an ongoing problem that they are having a hard time dealing with, as she is old and crazy. He also said that he would once again phone the police and inform them of this latest transgression. Apparently she even goes so far as to sit next to the swan’s nests when they are laying eggs or resting with young to keep them company. No wonder they are not breeding. Crazy old bag. If you want to anger me quickly just harm animals and I will freak. I think if we are lucky enough to be able to mingle with wild beasties in an urban setting it is that much more important to do it on their terms. After all, we have encroached on their turf.

My summer plans now include going to watch Ol’ Batshit feed the swans but to bring along my own walking stick. When she doesn’t react exactly the way I want her to at any given time I will give her a gentle warning and if she does not comply I too will whack her smartly upon the jaw and see what happens. That, my friends, is nature’s way.*

*Said with a Steve Erwin Aussie accent.