Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Yo in the House

Hi! Yoshi here!

Well, my mom, The Food Lady, has been hard to shift off the couch lately. Something about several ‘The Office’ DVDs needing to be watched. I have to really bitch and moan to get dinner around here and it is totally starting to piss me off. I am waiting patiently for her to leave the closet door open so I can make my displeasure known. *clenches butt*

The Food Lady blogged about some sort of 8 Random Things topic recently. I think she called it a Meme. Well, since Fat Ass, um, I mean Food Lady is soooo buuuusy laughing at the large flickering cube I am going to do my own post today.

Yoshi’s “8 Things You Don’t Know About Me” Meowmeow

1. I’ve been told that I have very expressive ears. When you live with such daily incompetence The Food Whore is lucky it is only my ears that are expressive, if ya know what I mean? *delicately flexes claws in menacing manner*

Most common messages conveyed by my ears include:

-Displeasure-immense, moderate, fluctuating, overwhelming, piffling, acute and urgent.

-Annoyance-complete, partial, general, specific, varied, sporadic and glaring.

-Disbelief-towards human stupidity, dog stupidity, and universal stupidity. Stupidos!

-Disgust-full repulsion to vague distaste.

-Dismissal-IE: If ears could kill you’d be greasy cremains right now!

-Derision-ASS!

-Contempt-malignant and seething.

-Ambivalence-…

2. I have an old war injury. ‘Nam? Heard of it? Well, actually I was born with it. I have a little hitch to my step. My right rear leg doesn’t quite step properly. It certainly doesn’t slow me down, though. Running right in front of my mom while she is carrying hot tea is still my passion.

3. Once I was chased up a tree by a couple of mean old dogs. When I found a perch to rest on about 15 feet up I realized that just on the other side of the trunk a raccoon was having a nap. My mom climbed up a tall ladder that was held by a couple grey haired men so it wouldn’t fall into a pointy wrought iron fence and stood on the very top rung so she could reach me and pull me down. She was sure sweating a lot mumbling something about height phobias? Whatever. She took long enough. I was getting hungry. Sheesh!

4. If my food is stale I will pester you. That will include meowing, licking and poking. My mom feeds me fresh food every night so I won’t bug her in the morning. Sometimes I mix it up and harass her anyway.

5. I love pooping. When I do my 'bidnis I dig and dig and scratch and shift that litter until it is perfect and my mom's eyeballs are about shooting out of her head. Then when I am done I run like a motherfucker and race around the house with a big fluffy tail. Cuz’ I feel so free and unburdened. My mom calls it, “Fleeing the scene of the crime.”

6. The Food Slut and I have a little routine we do. She puts her hand palm up on the couch and I walk over and sit on it. She thinks it is the cutest thing. I just like a warm tushie.

7. When my mom blows a raspberry on my head I always lick my lips. It is like a yawn in church. Contagious.

8. I only pretend to hate you.

This is me testing out the freshly vacuumed couch. It's my job. I take it seriously.

8 Random Things - A Meme

HAR tagged me for a meme asking that I present 8 Random Things you might not know about me. Or don't really care about. In turn I am supposed to pick another 8 bloggers to do the meme and so on and so on...

I pick YOU! If you want to do this meme then please do. And let me know so I can come by your blog and poke fun at all your idiosyncrasies (as I know I am going to be harassed for mine).

8 Random Things About Me

-I fold my underwear. Panties, bras, everything.

-I like complete sets of things. For instance if I break a glass or two I will pack up the rest for the second hand store and get a brand new set. I do not like to mix and match unless it is intentional.

-Before you start thinking I am an anal freak-show I also rarely make my bed. Only if I am having visitors.

-I almost always eat out of a pasta bowl. I don’t necessarily mix all my food together in one but often have a few pasta bowls going at a meal. I think this is because I found it was easier and less messy to eat out of a bowl on the couch in front of the TV and even though I have a dining table now the habit is hard to break. Also maybe because I eat a lot of pasta.

-I hate waiting. I hate being early but I also do not like being late. I will wait in my car in the parking lot before I’d wait in the waiting room of a doc’s office. I like to walk in about 3-5 minutes early for an appointment. This is because of my anxiety issues.

-I have not eaten in a restaurant for over 2 ½ years. This is also because of my anxiety problem. I have only eaten take-out/delivery food once in the last 7 months. This is because of a New Years resolution I made to stop wasting money on food I could make more healthily at home. The one time I slipped it was for a favourite vegetarian take-out place I used to love. They had changed the menu and it sucked. What a waste of money.

-I hate Starbucks. I think fancy coffee is overrated, too expensive and all the paper cups thrown away an insult to the environment. It has been years since I’ve had a fancy coffee type drink. I do have a couple Starbucks mugs as gifts from other people. I also used to have a Starbucks Card as it was necessary for my job (film people are addicted to Starbucks) to buy my “turn” of coffee for my co-workers. If I ever do get a coffee/tea/hot chocolate I try to go to a locally owned coffee place and bring my own cup.

-I have a serious sweet tooth. Even though I eat very healthily I am a bit overweight as I must have something chocolaty everyday. I try and try to find a way to make my chocolate fix healthy but I still feel guilty about it and like a slave to my addiction. Saying that, I guess as habits go it isn’t too terrible. I don’t drink alcohol, do drugs or smoke. I don’t like fast cars, fast men OR fast women. I don’t own a thousand pairs of shoes or have a diamond ankle bracelet collection. But still…I wish I could get over the chocolate.

Catching Up

I was driving around my old neighbourhood today and saw the most charming sight although my first impression was of shock but not for what you’d think. Initially what caught my eye were two huge muscular guys walking down the street. Like enormous hulking guys. Bald. Wearing wife beaters. Picture Mr. Clean but covered in tattoos including their heads. Mr. Dirtys as such. Really tough and scary. That was the shocking part. The part that charmed me was that they were holding hands. It made my day.

Sunday was the Vancouver Marathon and the route turned out to go right by my apartment. Not a big deal since I live in a hip urban centre and such. This is all part of the package. What was not so great was that people lined up outside at 7:30 am and started cheering and clapping. Then what added insult to injury was that some very energetic, supportive and inspired person (aka-assclown) had a cowbell and was ringing the shit out of it. As I lay there planning on where I was going to move so I never found myself in such a predicament again one of my neighbours yelled out the window, “SHUT UP WITH THE BELL! IT IS 7:30 AM ON A SUNDAY!” They stopped for 20 minutes. So despite Christopher Walken’s assurances to the contrary there are in fact times when you can actually have too much cowbell.

So remember that meme a lot of us did a week or so ago? I did it but visited Bucky’s site and saw her answers and was completely annihilated with laughter. Her answers rocked. So I asked for some questions from her because I knew they’d be really funny and I was so right. Sadly I cannot do them the justice they deserve but here we go…

1. With all the costumes, Yoshi is now ready to take her one-feline show on the road. What kind of spectacle is “Yoshi: the Musical”? Describe in detail.

Now this is a fantastic question and it required some serious thought. Here goes.

First of all it simply cannot be a one feline show as that goes against the whole ‘cat as supreme being and the rest are minions’ mentality that all cats possess. So in fact there would be back-up singers and dancers (think J-Lo type show) but hairier. Yoshi would also have her very own Harajuku Girls to pantomime her every thought to the audience.

The play list includes such hits as:

-The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Horking

-The Purry With the Fringe on Top

-Look At Me, I’m Full of Fleas

-I Feel Pretty…Hungry.

-Could We Eat Again Please?

-Hair...Balls

-Matuna Pissoffa

-Scratch-a, Scratch a, Scratch me.

-Not Listening To You/Pet Me, Feed me

-Tinfoil Ball Wizard

-SupercalifragilisticexpialOdorous Litter Boxes

In a nihilistic minimalist neo-apocalyptic statement on stage Yoshi would sleep soundly throughout the performance on a bed of nails while surrounded by soft catnip scented pillows.

Fin.

2. From now on, for the rest of your life, you get one food and one beverage that you must eat and drink exclusively. In your ideal world, what would they be? In the worse-case scenario, what would be the most distasteful food/drink combo that could be picked for you?

-If asked this question last year I would have unhesitatingly yelled SUSHI! but after my food poisoning debacle a lifetime of seaweed flavoured dry heaves is unthinkable. So as of now I am going to say a Milestone’s Veggie Burger with mushrooms and mozza cheese with a side of curly fries and watercress dip. For a drink I would say Barq’s Root Beer and for dessert I would like a chocolate malt. The worst meal would be SUSHI! or anything one is required to eat on Fear Factor.

3. Who will play you in a movie of your life? You may also include a supporting cast if you are so inclined.

-If I go by looks and similarities that way I would be played by Sandra Bullock (I’ve been told many times that I REMIND people of her) (sorta like the ugly kid sister) and my dad would be played by Alan Alda as they look like they could be brothers. My mom would be Mitzi Gaynor due to another uncanny resemblance. My brother would be played by Ben Affleck because his granny-in-law thinks he looks like him and my sister-in-law would be played by Juliana Margulies cuz she has dark curly hair. Yoshi would be played by Charlize Theron.

Now if we had to go by personality I’d be played by Janeane Garofolo, my dad by Benny Hill, my mom by Martha Stewart, my brother by Spock, my sister-in-law by Kristina Matisic of The Shopping Bags and Yoshi would be played by Zsa Zsa Gabor.

4. It is within your power to decree that one television series, from any period in TV history, can be banished to a black hole, never to be seen again, not even in syndication. What show would it be and why?

-The first show that popped into my head was Dallas because, Hello!, annoying. And because truly nobody can relate to it on any level. Rich, bossy oil tycoon and dysfunctional family….nobody I know. Also that It Was All a Dream -JR Didn't Get Shot After All cop-out really pissed me off.

5. Would you rather be poor and respected or rich and despised?

-Sadly this should be very cut and dry with me saying “Respected and poor, OF COURSE!” Duh. Yet… Here is the thing. It would totally depend on why I was despised. Am I hated because of the way I earned my money? Like through slavery or puppy mills or draining pension funds? If I would hate myself for the method of my wealth gathering then, yes, I would rather be poor and respected. BUT! If I was just despised because I was rich and people were jealous then I’d totally want to be wealthy and hated because I know in my heart I’d give a lot to charity and help my friends and family. That is all that matters to me. And the more I am loathed and rejected by the public then the more money there is left over for meeeeeeeee. The way my job life has been so far I have had more lean years than abundant ones. When I do have financially flush times I use the cash to catch up from those lean times. I have simply never had a lot of disposable income so just for once in my life I would like to be rich and take care of my friends and family. Oh, and shop my ass off.

A Guest Post From Opera Gal

I am lending my blog to WHFROpera (Opera Gal) for her meme results. I asked the hard questions and she stepped up and provided fantastic answers. The chain continues and Yoshi's head remains intact.

1. Which would you choose for a treat and why?

-a mani/pedi
I actually had a dream last night I got one...does that mean I'm overdue?
-a chocolate buffet
Who is lying naked in the steam table? (Just asking y'know..for a *friend*)
-shopping for a new pair of shoes
Damn - I just bought the world's ugliest utilitarian shoes 2 weekends ago.

Survey says....#2, but only if Chris Chelios is on the steam table.

2. Tell us all about an embarrassing thing you have done after a few drinks?

ok, this may not be entertaining enough...I am one of those people who actually keeps their composure after a few (although my verbal volume may go up a few decibels - it's all that *opera* training, y'know ! )

- but I vaguely remember a cast party that I threw at my apartment where I ran downstairs to answer the door, and fell UP the stairs on my way back, twisted around, and landed on the top stair, WITH MY DRINK INTACT.

3. If you could travel anywhere in the world tomorrow where would you go and why?

http://www.portoelounda.com/

Click on Six Senses spas

Why? Um...I haven't had a day off in who knows how long, and why Greece? See answer to number 1.

4. Would you shave off all your hair for a $10,000 donation to your favourite charity? How about lick a public washroom door handle? Would you eat 20 maggots?

yes, yikes, and possibly - how drunk am at the time?

5. What is your favourite work of art and why?

damn, I was afraid of this question...

Filmed work of art - The Third Man - starring Orson Welles. Its beautiful to look at and brilliant. Lawrence of Arabia is a close second.

Painted piece of art - Erte, although technically, not paintings, but lithos. So sue me.

Sketched piece of art - the entire Sandman series by Neil Gaiman and a whole slew of artists - these are *brilliant* comic books, people

Recorded piece of music, classical - Beethoven's "Waldstein" piano sonata as performed by Alfred Brendel.

Recorded piece of music, opera - Don Giovanni, Mozart/DaPonte, Harnoncourt conducting, and America's hottest baritone as the Don - Thomas Hampson.

Recorded piece of music, rock - Every damn thing REM recorded up to and including "Automatic for The People", everything Bowie recorded before Tin Machine, and every Tom Waits album, no exceptions. I also like Dead Can Dance.

Sculpted work of art - I really like "found" pieces. Ones that aren't really sculptures, but become that way over time. One of the most amazing things I ever saw was a burned-out car that over time really and truly became a sculpture as it decomposed.

Written work of art - the entire canon of Charles Dickens
Raymond Chandler is a close second.

Digital piece of art - Diablo II - a really good video game, and for its time, very beautiful to listen to and look at.

****Stop by MRTL's place and check out her contest. I can't wait to see the submissions.****

Don't Break The Chain or Yoshi's Head Will Explode

I was hanging out at Eclectic's Place and she posted a meme where she had to answer questions another blogger had asked her. It was cool. So I signed up to be given questions by her to answer too. Check it out below and see if you want to become part of the meme chain.

1. Which book or movie has captured you the most as an adult, and why?

Probably the book AND movie that has captured me the most as an adult is ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ by Harper Lee. I have honestly lost track of how many times I have read it and just recently got a replacement book as my poor paperback had disintegrated with use. It is such a fantastic story about a little piece of the south and the way things were. The good and the bad. Each character is so rich and interesting. It is one of the few times the movie has lived up to the excellence of the book. And Gregory Peck playing Atticus Finch makes me all gooey inside.

Now after sounding all high falutin’ with literary pretense and such I also have to admit that I recently saw ‘Borat’ and nearly suffocated myself from laughing so hard. I can’t get various parts out of my mind (like a certain fight scene) and I often find myself chuckling out loud in weird places like the shower or in line at the bank.

2. You're at the ocean. You'd rather: a) sleep alone in the sun; b) swim, sail or body surf; or c) picnic with friends?

The very first answer that popped into my mind was a) sleep alone in the sun because I am totally antisocial that way. But then the thought of a nice picnic with friends sounded great too. Then going sailing seemed like a nice idea as well. However, swimming and body surfing is totally out of the question as I am afraid of being in the ocean. Being near or on the ocean is ok but entering the water is terrifying for me. I don’t know why. One of those weirdo phobia thingies. And I don’t actually wear bathing suits either. It is unkind to those who have to look at me.

The good news is that I live right next to the ocean so sleeping and picnicking and sailing are distinct possibilities. Yay!

3. Describe the perfect employment opportunity:

Marrying rich…just kidding.

I’d like to be my own boss and still be able to do creative things as well as work with animals. I never want to work for a boss again. Especially an insane boss. I’d like to have the freedom to tell a rude and nasty customer to fuck off. I’d like the freedom to fire an employee who was completely inept and terrible to work with. I’d like to be able to offer products and services that I felt good about and believed in.

Basically I am totally delusional.

4. If you had the option of living forever without one of the following, which would it be, and why: a) dust bunnies; b) shaving; or c) taking out the trash?

DEFINITELY b) shaving. But only if it meant I was no longer furry opposed to just somehow it becoming magically socially acceptable to let it all grow out. Without getting into great detail the reason why I chose shaving is because hair removal takes up a fair amount of time for me. I am part ape.

5. What's the first thing you notice about a potential romantic interest?

I like a guy who is smart. Not necessarily book smart (which is nice too) but street smart with good common sense. A guy with an opinion who has the facts to back it up. I like clever. A sense of humour is a must too. He has got to make me laugh.

Obviously I would only ever find this out about a guy if I got to know them beyond first impressions. I don’t have a ‘type’ of guy I am attracted to and if you lined up my past boyfriends you would laugh over how different they all were. I honestly don’t know what it is specifically that attracts me to a person right away. Just some sort of spark or something. It very rarely happens so I haven’t really figured it out yet. Often this spark has not lasted past that first impression once the guy opens his mouth and I hear what he has to say. More often than not they fizzle. I could probably tell you more about what I don’t like in a guy than what I do like.

Can you tell I am almost always single?

Thanks for the great questions, Eclectic.

This is how this meme works.

1. Leave me a comment saying that you would like to be interviewed. Include your email address if I can’t get it through your blog.

2. I will email you five questions that you HAVE to answer. I get to pick the questions. You don’t get to opt out if you don’t like the questions I give you so think twice before asking me for an interview. Don’t worry, I won’t ask you anything I wouldn’t be willing to answer myself.

3. You must post your answers to the questions on your blog. If you don’t have a blog I will post your answers on my blog under your name.

4. You have to include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When other commenters ask to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

And so on and so on…