Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Friday, August 11, 2006

The Hitchhiker's Guide To Food Poisoning

On the northwest coast of a large earthling continent lays a pretty city surrounded by mountain ranges and warm sandy beaches. Its inhabitants function highly as far as carbon based sentient beings are concerned with a few notable exceptions during rush hour traffic and happy hour.

If one can zoom in a little closer through the sunshine one can see a fashionable area on the waterfront clustered with trendy condos and tall glistening buildings filled with reasonably beautiful sentient beings fresh from rush hour traffic and on their way to happy hour. A delightful scene. Except for one small area where if you possessed an Urp-O-Matic detection device you would see a blemish hiding in this idyllic picture. Blight on the otherwise flawless landscape of mindless human bliss. In a small pod like cave brimming with primordial ooze and festering dismay lies The Kranki. Once a vibrant member of this carbon based community The Kranki, through an innocent sushi purchase, came face to face with her arch nemesis, Overlord Salmonella. The Kranki never stood a chance against this formidable foe and her poor body quickly fell to Overlord Salmonella’s clutches. Dragged whimpering from her previous happy exstence The Kranki was lead on a relentless 12 hour journey through The Vomiting Mountain Ranges of Hurl. She then became completely disoriented in the deep dark forest of Gut Wrenching Shits quickly followed by an agonizing fall into the chilling rapids of Headaches, Bodyaches and High Fevers.

According to popular legend Overlord Salmonella only abuses its victims for a few days before casting off their dehydrated bodies for fresher prey but so far this is not in the case of The Kranki as 10 days later she is still firmly ensconced in the Impenetrable Tower of Nausea where only brackish tasting water passes her lips. The Vomiting Mountain Ranges of Hurl mock her from the distance while the Overlord lurks in the shadows.

With only Yoshi, the Paranoid Furdroid, as company The Kranki awaits patiently for release.

Anybody else ever been on an epic journey like this?


Sharkey said...

Ten days! Food poisoning's bad enough, but ten days?!? Are you sure there isn't something else going on?

I'm sorry you're feeling poorly, and I hope you're on the mend soon.

hemlock said...

I got food poisoning at my high school formal. Does that count?

Hopefully the Overlord moves on soon.

MrsDoF said...

Back in the summer of 1985, the salmonella epidemic caused by a dairy in Chicago which didn't control the valves properly. The pipes which processed raw milk did not get closed off. Therefore new milk got mixed in with the already pasteurized variety.

I was nursing young son, and had a 3 year old. We all got WIC coupons providing food, and that brand of milk is what we were drinking.
We were SICK for 10 days. My new little 4 month old baby spent an afternoon in ER getting fluids. Which was the best thing; because of him, we others put the puzzle together.
I believe the final count was around 30,000 confirmed patients.
From one dairy.

Been there, done that is not good for this situation.
Feel better soon.

Leigh-Ann said...

Ewww, how awful! I've eaten a lot of sushi this week, too... in fact, I just came home from eating sushi. I'll go knock on some wood.

Anonymous said...

How awful for you. I hope you have called your doctor. Death to the Overlord.

Precisiongirl said...

Wow, that sounds like a record.

I hope you feel better soon.


Closet Metro said...

At the risk of taunting the Overlord, he can kiss my ass.

Anonymous said...

I have had food poisoning before...the worst. I hope you feel better soon

Lowa said...

This was funny, just how you wrote it. Not funny that you are suffering horribly, it sounds terrible. But you sure can write!

Been to the Dr.?? How much weight have you lost?? My 2 year old suffered through something like that for over a month and spent 2 weekends in the hospital. Well, she is almost six, this happened when she had just turned two. We never did figure out what it was. They charged her up with fluids on the weekends and then we just cleaned up vomit and diahhrea all week, then back to the hospital! It was SO HORRIBLE seeing a small kid go through that.

Feel better!


eclectic said...

Never had the Overlord, but a tamer variety of food poisoning got me once for a severe 36-hour beating. It was unpleasant, you might say, but nothing like what you're experiencing. Please feel better soon!! Antibiotics, maybe. Something! For godssakes, you can't keep hurling forever!

Julie said...

Totally. A few years ago I caught it from a Burger King chicken sandwich. It was awful.

I have a touch of food poisoning myself right now... though nowhere near as bad as yours sounds.

Hope you feel better! ;-)

Humble Beginnings said...

I agree with Iowa. Nice writing. Almost makes me want to have it.

Almost! ;) sigh.

10 days.. damn... sorry to hear. Hope you're better soon.

JP said...

Ick, that's nasty! You totally got me beat from my Taco Bell experience, which lasted 2 days, but I know you wish it would just be over! Hope you are on the mend soon!!

Madame D said...

I think I've been to the Vomiting Mountain Ranges of Hurl. Not a pleasant place to be.
I agree with others, what does a doc have to say? You just got done being sick!
Feel better!

Twisteduterus said...

oh man, I hope you are feeling better soon.

food posioning--ugh

whfropera said...


The rulebook for the Overlord Salmonella MMRPG (Massive Multiplayer Role-Playing Game) states that for the sentient being to regain full stats and HP (healing power, for those of you who don't play) you must take 2 turns in the Cave of Fluffy Down Comforter, followed by the visit to the High Wizard of MP, (medical practitioner), and your familiar (in this case, the Paranoid Furdroid) must be equipped with a sickness sensor, so that each turn in the Cave sends healing from the familiar to your player.
This is achieved through the skill known as cuddling, and the you should have an attribute level of at least 1 to gain max stats.


love ya, feel better!

Squirl said...

I hope you're still not in the throes of the Overlord. Sounds like too many days to me. Your health is probably still a bit fragile. Please see a doc if this isn't cleared up yet.

Take care, hon.

Oh no, my word ver looks like a sound somebody might make when hurling:


ScottyGee said...

I had some kind of stomach thing where it felt like someone was twisting a knife in my side constantly and any time I ate, it come out both ends for a week. I ate saltines and gatorade for a week. It was rough. Not sure what it was, but I feel your pain. I have also been food poisoned at least 4-5 times. 3 from Taco Bell alone, yet I still go there on occassion.

Feel better!

stampydurst said...

I can sympathize, I once spent many long hours in the clutches of the Angry Dragon of Seasickness while in the middle of the Violent Ocean of No Wind stuck on the Little Sailboat that Couldn't. I begged to be left floating for dead with a life jacket and a flare gun. Fortunately for me, the soothing hands of Solid Ground put an end to it.

All my best wishes.

kassi said...

I'll call in Superman...

kalki said...

I hate to laugh at your expense but good lord you are cracking my shit up!

Get well soon, Krankster.

Nancy said...

I am so sorry for that SAL visited your belly. Both of my kids got Salmonella from lizards I bought them. It hit my son one week after we bought the reptile and he was sick for two weeks, every time he put a drop of liquid in his mouth it came out the other end with gut wrenching pain. It was horrible. then three weeks later my daughter got the dreaded SAL.
It turn out that the bug can live on objects for 3-4 months.......UN Flippen believable. Both of my kids were so sick, I used so much Clorox on everything...
I hope your bug leaves you soon and I truely sympathize with you.
Did you have to do the "test" to culture it. That was the most disgusting thing I have had to do. I hope you feel better soon and I hope your kind of SAL doesn't last any longer.
Our doc said that with Salmonella antibiotics actually makes it worse.
good luck

LadyBug said...

Oh dear. You poor thing. I SO hope you're better soon, dear.

In other news, I've never seen Food Poisoning described in such an entertaining way. You totally cracked me up.

Jeannette said...

Holy Cow, Kranki. What an experience. I hope you are feeling better now. Next time order that sushi well done! (Or just leave it with your upstairs neighbor. That ought to cook it. :)

JessicaRabbit said...

Jeez lady, not good. Food goes in one end and then stays for awhile and then out the other end, get someone to remind your body of that quick!

I really hope you get well soon, that is miserable.

Squirl said...

Are you better yet? If not, did you see the doctor yet? This is too long for you to be so lousy sick.

Anonymous said...

I hope you're feeling better by now. If not, get your bootie to the doctor girlie. Food poisoning does not go on this long.

spoonleg said...

Poor baby! That's why they tell folks with compromised immune systems not to eat sushi, but damn, I don't blame you for succumbing! I wouldn't be able to resist either. I hope you start feeling better soon! Perhaps you need another Texas Care Package?!