Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Very Kranki

I am grumpy. Guess what I did today. I filed out paperwork at the bank because some scumbag somehow got a hold of my bank card number as well as my PIN and stole my money. $880 to be exact. The good news is that the bank got suspicious and cut off access to my bank account and they were not able to access my VISA card and take money from there. I have no idea how it happened as my card was not stolen and I never divulge my PIN number. But there is some serious organized crime in Vancouver and I have heard stories where thieves attach little computer number gatherers onto the modems that send swiped info to the banks for authorization when you make a purchase. They put cameras in the ceiling to get your PIN number. The weird thing is that I don’t use my card a lot. My purchases are always made at very reputable large chain stores. Places where this kind of activity is next to impossible. I am very puzzled. Fortunately everything is covered and my rent will be paid on time. It is all good but I hate the thought of this happening. I hate thieves.

Something else has been bothering me lately and it all just came to an ugly head today. Many of you might know that my city will be hosting the next Winter Olympics in 2010. This might seem very exciting to a lot of you and it is on the surface but every single freaking day there is some news story about some political hijinx or some budget over run or some environmental issue relating to the Olympics. Has been for months. And nothing has started being built yet. They bitch and moan! Or spout some sort of propaganda bottom line about how great this is going to be for our city. Then the Turino games happened and it was Olympic Everything on TV, not just on the news. Everywhere. You know what I mean.

Today the official Olympic flag was raised outside of City Hall by our quadriplegic mayor who is a new international sweetheart after accepting this flag at the closing ceremonies. I have to admit that this is a nice thing. Even a sport curmudgeon like me got all warm and fuzzy. What is icing on the cake? Adding insult to injury? Now the news stations have a little logo that plays in the corner of the TV screen whenever they talk about anything Olympic related (which is practically EVERYTHING) which says:

Countdown to 2010
1444 days to go!

FUUUUCCCKKK! Does this mean they are on the official countdown now and every freaking day I will be forced to watch some stupid day counter when I get my local news? That is 1444 days, people. That is 4 FREAKING YEARS of daily countdown!!!!

I am already totally puking sick and tired of The Olympics Games. I am going to murder somebody if I have to see that bloody countdown thing for the next four years. And I think that I would get off due to justifiable insanity. Nobody should be subjected to that kind of extended thematic examination. If you ask, “How much can they possibly talk about the Olympics?” So far a lot! I will surely be able to tell you EXACTLY how much in vivid detail soon enough. You guys can forget all about anything Olympic for years to come but not me. I will be eating, breathing and shitting Olympics for the next four years. Everyday. Every single day. Think about it….

Monday, February 27, 2006

Bad To The Bone

When I was a teenager to look at me you would have thought that I was a right little shit. I had black hair. Or pink hair. Or green hair. I dressed like a hobo. I listened to loud angry music. I had fake tattoos drawn on my arms with ball point pen. It wasn’t pretty. But if you thought that you would have been very wrong. I was a terrible goody two shoes. A regular ass kisser.

I was always respectful and polite to adults. I never shoplifted in my life. EVER. Not once did I sneak out of the house to meet my friends at the park to drink our parent’s booze. Basically I was a loser within my loser crowd. I didn’t fit in anywhere.

I did have a boyfriend when I was sixteen who was quite a bit older than me. He was nineteen and had a car. This was a great worry to my folks even though I assured them that he was more immature than all of my degenerate friends combined. They really had nothing to worry about. I had a very good head on my shoulders and was rarely ever swayed by peer pressure. But you know how parents are. You might even be one yourself and be tsk tsking right now.

I am sure my folks imagined all sorts of terrible things as I drove off in that bright orange Ford Fiesta hatchback but I can honestly say that most of our date time was spent eating junk food at McDonalds. Seriously. We would go to the local Mickey D’s and eat a full meal. I would do this even after eating a full dinner at home. Quite often we would then go to ANOTHER McDonalds to have dessert. I know. Ooooh. Exciting. It is a wonder I wasn’t the size of a house. That is the horrible ‘shenanigans’ I would get up to. And it gets better. Then we would go to his house. His parental house. To watch TV. With his mom and sister. Heady stuff.

I used to walk home from school and walk by this house that had this decrepit flamingo in the front yard. It was a dingy grey with moss growing on it. So sad. So tempting. I had this thing for flamingoes at the time and I started to covet that flamingo in a very serious way. This sinful thinking changed me. For the worse.

One night as I was picked up for our usual fat filled dinner date I surprised myself by suggesting to my boyfriend that we nick that poor flamingo under the cover of darkness and give it a good home in my bedroom. He was shocked but he agreed. We drove up and he sat in the car with the motor running and back door open while I calmly walked up onto the yard and nonchalantly went to pick up my prize. I grabbed hold and pulled expecting the ornament to easily come free and nearly pulled my arms out of their sockets. The thing was seriously anchored. Oh shit. I yanked again and it came free. But something was wrong. It was not the light plastic flamingo I thought it was. My eyes had not been able to see some very important details on my daily walks. The fucking thing was molded cement and the legs were rebar. The thing probably weighed about as much as me. I had started running to the car half carrying and half dragging my flamingo laughing hysterically when I saw headlights coming up the road. A car was coming. I didn’t worry about it much as I was partially shielded by bushes and anybody driving by would not be able to see what I was up to. However Stupid Older Brave Boyfriend panicked and STARTED TO DRIVE OFF!!!!

OH SHIT! That asshole. I knew he had to be dumped as no self respecting boyfriend (even one with a car) would drive off leaving his very cute girlfriend holding the bird. It also crossed my mind that it would be so typical that the only time I had ever done anything even remotely illegal I would totally be abandoned by a total pussy and left to take the heat. I always new that I was not meant for a life a crime and any lapse would result in a juvenile record and being grounded until I was 40. It had been so obvious. Why hadn’t I listened?

Fortunately for me (and him) he stopped about half a block up the road with me frantically running/dragging/gasping behind him. I threw that bad boy in the back seat nicely ripping his upholstery with a rebar leg. Ha ha ha!!! We took off and that was the anticlimactic end to my night of crime.

I stashed my loot down the side of my house planning to wash off the moss and paint it up to the glory it deserved. Before I could do that my brother used it for target practice and chipped it into an unrecognizable lump. I had risked my good name (even though I didn’t look like I had one) for nothing.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

One Whole Freakin' Year!

I don’t normally post on a Sunday but today is a special day. It is my One Year Blog Anniversary. I have to admit that I am not really one for celebrating these things. I usually forget. I am such a man that way.

I am not really sure how you all found your way here and if you actually remember I would love to hear about it in the comments section. If you can’t, no matter, I am just really happy you all are here.

However there have been a couple visitors who have found their way here through Google searches and, bless their freakish hearts, I have the ability to find out exactly what they were searching for. Here are a few Googlisms that caught my fancy in particular. I hope they found what they were looking for.

-gag slut posted
-siamese noises
-cruel nicknames fatty
-sexy keen student bad teacher
-orgy photo
-pictures of girls having accidents doing farts and hard dirty poo poos in polyester shorts

The last one fits the spirit of my blog perfectly.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Crush your Cat's Head Friday - Cancelled

**UPDATE**Yoshi is feeling much better. She is flaked out in front of the heating vent and giving off purrs as requested. There were a couple hairball fatalities but things seem to have settle down now. All is well.

Poor Yoshi is not feeling very good today. Poor thing has an upset stomach and has entirely lost her purrs. No matter how much I try I just can't get any outta her. Poor monkey. No crushing today. Only gentle cuddles.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

A Formal Apology and Reasonable Explanation For My Mental Decline

Thank you so much for all you support and kind comments on my last post of angst. Sorry I have not yet got to responding to them all as it has been a long and hard week for me. I had four doctors’ appointments in three days and these things always freak me out a little. The one that was really causing me a great deal of anxiety was getting my expanders filled with more saline. Somehow, someway the size of the already large needles became immense in my mind. Coupled with some scary dreams as well as some looong nights of insomnia the whole process took on a hellish life of its own in my mind. Once I was there I was just fine (with a little help from my friend Ativan) and the needles were not THAT big and it didn’t hurt so I think I can safely put that demon to rest.

I have also just started taking a medication called Tamoxifen. This eliminates the estrogen from my body which is necessary since my cancer was estrogen receptor positive. That means my own estrogen hormones helped the cancer to grow. I found out a nice little fact today from my doctor about Tamoxifen. It can make me very moody while my body gets used to it. WELL NO BLOODY WONDER I HAVE BEEN SO FUCKING INSANE ALL WEEK!! I have been emotional, impatient, crabby, sad and exhausted.

All righty then…

My hoots are taking on a life of their own. Through a shirt they already look like normal happy little breasts but to feel them (stand in line, stand in line) they are rock hard. Imagine sleeping while wearing a bra filled with two baseballs. Reeeeeally comfy. But I am not going to bitch any more since I am happy to just have a rack again. Or as I like to call them, a frontal presence.

So please hang in there while my body adjusts to my medication and I get my funny back.

Monday, February 20, 2006

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

I had this great idea of a cute story to blog about last night just before I went to sleep. I should have written it down as I have no recollection of it now. Sorry. So I have been wracking my brain for what to talk about. Nothing really interesting has happened recently. In fact I have been extremely stressed and frustrated this last week.

You see I feel like I am in a limbo of sorts. My treatment is over and things are better than they have been all year and yet I can’t say things are great. Things are just not the way they used to be. I guess I thought that once I was given a clean bill of health I could just ‘get on with things’ and resume where I left off. I am learning this is not that easy.

I am still fighting with my body. I am very weak and tired all the time and have to build up my stamina again. This is going to be a very slow and long process. I can only do about 10 minutes of easy physical activity at a time. Simple things like cleaning my little apartment or vacuuming or doing laundry can be overwhelming and something I sometimes need help with. Things one takes for granted like walking around the block or running errands are still a challenge for me. The thought of going back to work or school, even part time, is still more than I can think about right now. I have a ways to go before that is a possibility.

The other thing that is knocking me on my ass is my self esteem. My body doesn’t look like it used to. I am much heavier. I am much flabbier. I feel weak. I don’t feel very good looking anymore. I just look different. Tired. I hate my hair. I have scars where I used to have unmarked skin. I don’t have breasts anymore. The reconstruction ranges from uncomfortable to outright painful. Everyday. While I am cancer free I still feel and look unwell. I just feel ugly.

I had an anxiety problem before the cancer. After my diagnosis with all the extra fears and stress it got really bad. It is worse than it ever has been. Basically uncontrollable. My life is compromised by panic attacks everyday. So now I have a new project trying to get that under control again. This will take months if not years. So the battle continues.

I have always been very impatient. Once I get my mind set on something I like to get it accomplished right away. I like to see quick results. I really thought that once I beat this cancer I would be back on my feet and raring to go. I thought that I could just resume my life like nothing had happened. I had no idea how low I would feel after. How discouraged I would be. I didn’t have a clue how much this disease and its treatment takes it out of you both physically and mentally. I didn’t dream that it would be such a challenge to resume my old life.

So things are very unsatisfying and I have to be patient just when I thought things would be getting better. I feel like I should be happy, and I am a lot of the time, but overall I am not satisfied with where I am right now. I want to go on like it never happened but I just can’t. It won’t let me.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-FLRTL Loving

Mrtl, Mr. Mrtl and Bug welcomed Frida into their family yesterday. Yoshi crushed my Flrtls, Tits and Hoots, to celebrate.

Hurraaay Mrtl Family!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Dusty Yoga Mat


I just did an exercise DVD lasting a whole 20 minutes. Pilates. Easy version. Kicked my ass.

I don’t know whether to be proud of myself or revolted by the state my body has fallen to. Five months of chemo, six weeks of radiation, surgery three weeks ago. Right now I can hardly make it around the block. It was pretty funny doing all these exercises with my little T-Rex arms dangling out front of my body. I also got myself a DVD of exercises to do after breast cancer surgery. It was good but boring. Just a lot of arm flapping. Controlled flapping but flapping nonetheless. I did that DVD too.


I am trying very hard to be proud of myself but am embarrassed I found this stuff so difficult.

The good news is that I have lost 11 lbs over the last 3 weeks. Basically I haven’t got my appetite back after surgery and my stomach is still wrecked from the antibiotics.

I might be cancer free but I ain’t out of the woods yet. BulgeWatch 2006 continues.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Valentine's Shmalentine's

Well, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and for me just another one as a single gal to add to an embarrassingly long list of the same. I am lucky in that I have a great dad who is my Valentine as well as a couple honorary boyfriends (the fabulous gay men in my life) who make me feel pretty fantastic on the regular. I also have an unusual interspecies-ish platonic lesbian relationship with my cat to celebrate. So it is not a total waste of a day. However, I wouldn’t mind a simple diamond now and then to feel like Numero Uno as well as the opportunity to put on some silky lingerie to make that man in my life feel special. Or sick to his stomach. Whatever.

I figure you can be sick and bitter about your single status or choose to celebrate the little things that the single life has to offer. Here is a small list of activities you can do to bathe in your single status glory-

1. Sleep right in the middle of your bed. Eschew “sides” and what they represent. That big boy is all yours for the night so reap the space benefits.

2. Drink the milk/juice/soft drink right out of the container. Eat out of the containers too. Double dip. Back wash. It is all about you, baby.

3. Fart out loud and don’t apologise. I am not going to admit to this as I don’t want to be single forever.

4. Take a long shower and use up all the hot water.

5. Leave the cap off the toothpaste, leave the toilet seat up and leave hairs on the soap. If you are single you probably do this already. But really relish it tomorrow. If you are hooked up and do this then you are sure to be single by next Valentine’s Day.

6. Watch all the TV shows you like and listen to all the CDs you like. Hog the remote. You don’t have to compromise. When you are with a special someone you will miss the little things like these. Like dancing to Britney Spears in the nude, for instance.

7. Order in a pizza just the way you like it. Enjoy the fact that you don’t have to spend 20 minutes picking the green peppers off.

8. Scratch whenever you want WHERE EVER you want.

9. Put a chocolate ├ęclair in the fridge before you go to work and be smug all day in the knowledge that it will still be there for you when you get home. This is not for those who have room-mates as we all know they will fuck you over that way.

10. Be selfish in bed.

So what do you have planned?

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

What The Future May Hold

Y’all! Thanks so much for all your wonderful comments, love and support. I can’t begin to tell you how happy I was to be able to relay that most excellent news to you. Made my day.

I am continuing with The Healing and things like sleeping or pulling up my pants are no longer a challenge. I even drove around today and having to utilize a VW stick shift is no simple feat even without Tyrannosaurus Rex arms. My sushi ordering muscles were not affected in any way but today I thought I’d better just make sure. The test proved easy to accomplish as well as being most delicious.

So many of you may be wondering what is on the agenda for me now that I am a Cancer Free Gal. Well, that is a good question. I have decided to continue on with this blog even though it started as a vehicle for health information for friends and family. It took on a life of its own outside of the cancer realm so I will explore that some more as well as continue to crush Yoshi’s head for your viewing pleasure. Every Friday! Stay tuned.

The day before I was to start taking business classes was when I got my cancer diagnosis so I think I have to get that ball rolling again. I am still very fatigued and such from all my treatments so I am going to ease into it slowly to get my physical and mental stamina back up. Not that I was a power house before but you know….It is hard to be so sedentary for so long and then get going again all of a sudden. Ok Ok. I got used to the easy life. I admit it.

But for the immediate future I am just going to lay back and bask in my healthy glow.

I still have bi-monthly appointments to get saline injections in my boobs in order to make room for implants. I got my first injections today and lost a bet with my doctor about the possible pain factor. He said that it wouldn’t hurt and I didn’t believe him. Let’s just say I owe him a latte. I think I got off lucky. I’d buy him a dozen coffees to avoid pain.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Pathology Report


My body is officially a cancer free zone!

My treatment is over for good!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Grump Watch 2006

Thanks for all your lovely comments. They cheered me up considerably. Please be patient with me until I recover enough to respond to each of them.

I am happy to say my grumpiness is over and I am a happier little camper.

Today is my last day of antibiotics. WOOO! I just wasn’t expecting that taking those glorious orange pills would actually make me feel more terrible than chemo even did. I am not kidding. I hope to be back to eating normally by next week.

Looks like my drain will probably come out tomorrow thus allowing me to take a real shower this Saturday. Glorious bathing! I can easily shave my left armpit but am still working of flexibility on my right side. Better than nothing. Another good thing.

My posture is improving and I no longer look like a hunchback but more like a Tyrannosaurus Rex with those little droopy hands in front. This is pretty funny to see. And a significant improvement over my Grumposaurus impression earlier this week.

Coincidentally several friends and family members were also very grumpy over those few days so maybe it was something in the air. Possibly rain as it has poured 30 out of the last 32 days. Oh god. Gloomyville. On top of The Healing it was possibly just too much for me. Really adding insult to injury.

I am still feeling very tired and stiff and sore and not really up to doing anything. The sensation is akin to wearing the world’s tightest bra. With some tittie twisting thrown in for a little spice. That means a lot of relaxing and resting for me. It is exhausting.

I have gone for a couple walks around the block and even that small distance is enough to make me breathless. I have a lot of exercising to do to get back into any type of decent shape. And I have to say no to the chocolate more. Bummer.

So there you go. Nothing really exciting to tell you but I will hopefully have some tales to recount as I have four doctors’ appointments next week and just being on the road is bound to create some drama.

Monday’s appointment is with my general surgeon. The one who did the mastectomy. She is in charge of dealing with the pathology report which will hopefully show that I have clear margins on the right breast she removed meaning that all the cancer is gone. I don’t even want to think about the alternative so I won’t go there now.

Wish me luck.