I had this great idea of a cute story to blog about last night just before I went to sleep. I should have written it down as I have no recollection of it now. Sorry. So I have been wracking my brain for what to talk about. Nothing really interesting has happened recently. In fact I have been extremely stressed and frustrated this last week.
You see I feel like I am in a limbo of sorts. My treatment is over and things are better than they have been all year and yet I can’t say things are great. Things are just not the way they used to be. I guess I thought that once I was given a clean bill of health I could just ‘get on with things’ and resume where I left off. I am learning this is not that easy.
I am still fighting with my body. I am very weak and tired all the time and have to build up my stamina again. This is going to be a very slow and long process. I can only do about 10 minutes of easy physical activity at a time. Simple things like cleaning my little apartment or vacuuming or doing laundry can be overwhelming and something I sometimes need help with. Things one takes for granted like walking around the block or running errands are still a challenge for me. The thought of going back to work or school, even part time, is still more than I can think about right now. I have a ways to go before that is a possibility.
The other thing that is knocking me on my ass is my self esteem. My body doesn’t look like it used to. I am much heavier. I am much flabbier. I feel weak. I don’t feel very good looking anymore. I just look different. Tired. I hate my hair. I have scars where I used to have unmarked skin. I don’t have breasts anymore. The reconstruction ranges from uncomfortable to outright painful. Everyday. While I am cancer free I still feel and look unwell. I just feel ugly.
I had an anxiety problem before the cancer. After my diagnosis with all the extra fears and stress it got really bad. It is worse than it ever has been. Basically uncontrollable. My life is compromised by panic attacks everyday. So now I have a new project trying to get that under control again. This will take months if not years. So the battle continues.
I have always been very impatient. Once I get my mind set on something I like to get it accomplished right away. I like to see quick results. I really thought that once I beat this cancer I would be back on my feet and raring to go. I thought that I could just resume my life like nothing had happened. I had no idea how low I would feel after. How discouraged I would be. I didn’t have a clue how much this disease and its treatment takes it out of you both physically and mentally. I didn’t dream that it would be such a challenge to resume my old life.
So things are very unsatisfying and I have to be patient just when I thought things would be getting better. I feel like I should be happy, and I am a lot of the time, but overall I am not satisfied with where I am right now. I want to go on like it never happened but I just can’t. It won’t let me.