Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Please Stand By

I would love to post but I am busy making dog costumes for Gay Pride Weekend. Stay tuned.

Will there be photos? Oh yes...

Friday, July 27, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-We Need A New Word For This Kind Of Cute

This is where the original essence of crushing came from. That feeling that overcomes me when overwhelmed by total and complete cuteness. I just want to SQUEEEEEEZE her.

Have mercy!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

I just finished watching the entire first season of 'The Office' (US version) and can’t quite get that ucky feeling out of my gut. Don’t misunderstand. I laughed my ass off and really enjoyed the show but it is almost a little too lifelike in many ways. I guess that is the beauty of it. You watch and relate viscerally on some level based on your past or present experiences in the work-place. Those ugly and dark employee moments one tries to forget every Friday night at happy hour before you go home and have a real life on the weekend.

Here are just a few lovely work related past incidences I wish I could scour from my memory.

-When I was in high school I had a cushy summer job at a nearby town’s city hall. It was not unusual to find yourself sharing an elevator with the mayor. He was about a million years old and used to introduce himself to you no matter how many times he’d done so before. His typical greeting? A bone crushing in-every-sense-of-the-word handshake and a hearty, “You look like a fine group of young lads!” Friendly, yes, but we were all girls and we would be in skirts and blouses with purses and heels. I always wondered what he was like at city political functions.

-Once I made a mistake at work on a film. Not an earth-shattering mistake but a clear mistake on my part. I was spray-painting a pair of boots with fabric paint and I forgot to tape up the soles so some paint dripped under the shoes and got on the bottoms. I had the tape in my hand and got distracted and put it down and forgot to tape up the shoes. I also had a major migraine that day so I was kinda out of it anyway. But not a big deal as I very easily got some solvent and a cotton ball and removed the paint and everything was fine. Or would have been if I hadn’t been caught out by a co-worker. She wasn’t even part of my work area but she flipped out on my head anyway saying that I could get fired for that and if she was my boss I would be out of there and that it was unacceptable to give an article of clothing to an actor in that condition. I apologized to her and said that I had fixed it and it was all good. All day she would walk past me shaking her head, tsking and mumbling under her breath about how I had so royally fucked up. My boss knew about my error and was totally unconcerned so I ignored her. At the end of the day she started up on me again about how even though I was a newbie I couldn’t get away with doing something so stupid as this and wasting valuable time blah blah blah. The ironic part is that it probably took me less time to wipe off the excess paint with nail polish remover than it would have to carefully tape up the shoes and peel it all off afterwards. Nobody got hurt. Filming was not delayed or affected in any way. I didn’t wreck anything or cost the production money. I didn’t understand why she was going on and on and ON! So I turned to her and said, “Listen! I have apologized and apologized to you, which I didn’t have to because you are not my boss and I just don’t know what more I can say to you to convey that it was a MISTAKE! And I have learned from it and it won’t happen again. Let’s all just move on, shall we?” And she said to me, “Ok, ok! Maybe if you just dropped the subject and stopped making such a big deal out of it!”


And the damned shoes never made it on screen anyway.

-Once a boss called me a “Dumb Shit” in front of customers and staff because a co-worker had snuck up behind me and noogied my ribs causing my arm to flail out and knock a box of little doo-dads all over the floor. Then she laughed along with the offending co-worker over his tickling maneuver.

-I had a boss who scheduled an inventory taking day on January 1st. Yes, that would be New Year’s day. At 8am. And said that if any of us were even a minute late we would be fired. She then showed up 25 minutes late, no apology, while we all huddled outside in the cold waiting for her, very hung-over.

-I had a co-worker who, on a daily basis, would graphically describe to me and anybody within earshot what he imagined my breasts looked like.

-One boss berated me in front of my co-workers that the jeans I was wearing were too faded for work-wear. Never mind that my MALE co-workers, standing right next to me, were all wearing faded jeans too. They were exempt, I guess.

-I nearly got fired because my co-workers and I accidentally left the back loading door unlocked overnight. I was spared but not because I had only started working there a couple days earlier and not only didn’t have keys or the code to the alarm or any kind of locking-up responsibilities at all OR that I didn’t even know there was a loading door in the first place. No, I was kept on, as were my co-workers (who had keys and codes and knowledge about that stupid door), because it would have been too much of a hassle to hire and train new staff. I did get a royal chewing out though after which I had them show me the door they were talking about.

So tell me a personal 'The Office' moment that makes your eyes roll up into the back of your head.

Monday, July 23, 2007

8 Random Things - A Meme

HAR tagged me for a meme asking that I present 8 Random Things you might not know about me. Or don't really care about. In turn I am supposed to pick another 8 bloggers to do the meme and so on and so on...

I pick YOU! If you want to do this meme then please do. And let me know so I can come by your blog and poke fun at all your idiosyncrasies (as I know I am going to be harassed for mine).

8 Random Things About Me

-I fold my underwear. Panties, bras, everything.

-I like complete sets of things. For instance if I break a glass or two I will pack up the rest for the second hand store and get a brand new set. I do not like to mix and match unless it is intentional.

-Before you start thinking I am an anal freak-show I also rarely make my bed. Only if I am having visitors.

-I almost always eat out of a pasta bowl. I don’t necessarily mix all my food together in one but often have a few pasta bowls going at a meal. I think this is because I found it was easier and less messy to eat out of a bowl on the couch in front of the TV and even though I have a dining table now the habit is hard to break. Also maybe because I eat a lot of pasta.

-I hate waiting. I hate being early but I also do not like being late. I will wait in my car in the parking lot before I’d wait in the waiting room of a doc’s office. I like to walk in about 3-5 minutes early for an appointment. This is because of my anxiety issues.

-I have not eaten in a restaurant for over 2 ½ years. This is also because of my anxiety problem. I have only eaten take-out/delivery food once in the last 7 months. This is because of a New Years resolution I made to stop wasting money on food I could make more healthily at home. The one time I slipped it was for a favourite vegetarian take-out place I used to love. They had changed the menu and it sucked. What a waste of money.

-I hate Starbucks. I think fancy coffee is overrated, too expensive and all the paper cups thrown away an insult to the environment. It has been years since I’ve had a fancy coffee type drink. I do have a couple Starbucks mugs as gifts from other people. I also used to have a Starbucks Card as it was necessary for my job (film people are addicted to Starbucks) to buy my “turn” of coffee for my co-workers. If I ever do get a coffee/tea/hot chocolate I try to go to a locally owned coffee place and bring my own cup.

-I have a serious sweet tooth. Even though I eat very healthily I am a bit overweight as I must have something chocolaty everyday. I try and try to find a way to make my chocolate fix healthy but I still feel guilty about it and like a slave to my addiction. Saying that, I guess as habits go it isn’t too terrible. I don’t drink alcohol, do drugs or smoke. I don’t like fast cars, fast men OR fast women. I don’t own a thousand pairs of shoes or have a diamond ankle bracelet collection. But still…I wish I could get over the chocolate.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Meltdown

Well, talk about technical difficulties...isn't there a pill for that? Oh, never mind.

Mrtl made a great new logo for Crush Your Cat's Head Friday but I cannot get it to work animation-wise on Blogger. It just shows up as an image. So please go here to see what was supposed to be posted here on Friday.

Thanks, mrtl, for your evil genius. Thanks, Blogger, for your buttheadedness. And thanks to anybody who can troubleshoot this animated gif issue for me.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Booby Update With Knocker McHooterson

I haven’t bored you all lately with whinging and gory details about my tits. I plan to remedy that right this second.

I went to my very cute plastic surgeon the other day and he said we are all good to go with Operation (literally) Nipple. My Barbie boobs are soon to be one step closer to the real deal. No date yet but probably near the end of summer. I don’t like to think about it much as it involves my skin and a sharp scalpel. I plan to be drunk for the procedure.

Something else that has been new for me is menopause. Yes, that is right. I am 38 years old and in menopause. Voluntarily I might add. My breast cacner is HIGHLY estrogen receptor positive which means estrogen will cause the cancer to grow. Of course being a younger gal I would have more estrogen coursing through my body than post menopausal chicks. One of the ways they deal with removing that estrogen from my body is through a drug called Tamoxifen. I take that every day and will have to for 5 years. With Tamoxifen your ovaries can produce as much estrogen juice as they want and the drug will remove it. An oversimplification but I am boring myself just typing this out. I hate to loose you all to a narcoleptic reaction. Anyway, another method to reduce estrogen is to turn off the ovaries completely. You can get them removed which some ladies do or you can get an injection (every month or 3 months) in your stomach that turns your ovaries off through your pituitary gland. Men who have prostate cancer can take the same drug to shut down their man bits too. Anyway, I decided to stalk and beat down all the estrogen in my body both ways so as of the beginning of the year I’ve been getting these injections every month.


I can say that menopause has some good points. No more monthly angst, mood swings or cramps. No more frantic trips to the drug store for FHP. That would be feminine hygiene products for you XY chromosome readers. So that part is alright. The bad part is that when a lady goes through menopause naturally it happens fairly slowly. The body eeeeases into it over time. With my injection I got slammed into it. In a matter of a couple of weeks. The result? Can you say hot flash? Summer heat has taken on a whole new level of discomfort. Holy fuck! I didn’t know a person could sweat so much without any exertion at all. I look like one of those Gatorade ads where the very toned and muscular athlete is chugging back a bottle of much needed fluid while rivulets of sweat course down their body after running a marathon. Well that would be me except that my body is flabby and slightly fat and I am sitting on the couch watching Miami Ink.

There are a few things I do to cope. And by cope I mean sit there complaining, flapping my hands at my face and armpits and wiping off my soaked brow on the cat. I drink lots of cool water. I fan myself with silly cutesy fans I buy from Chinatown. And I laugh. I have a theory that the laughing releases endorphins which in turn will make the feeling of my head bursting into flame vaguely pleasurable.

Now the logical thing to do would be to get some sort of remedy for hot flashes, right? Nope. You see those medications (even the natural ones) are filled with either natural or synthetic hormones and I can’t have those in my body again. It would be defeating the whole point of the injection and Tamoxifen. So I am stuck. And sticky.

I sleep (when I do sleep as menopause also causes insomnia) without sheets or blankets. The cat no longer snoozes with me as I inevitably toss and turn and boot her hot and furry ass off the bed. My underwear is damp along with the rest of my clothes both day and night. I smell.

You’d think producing that kind of heat would burn calories thereby causing weight loss. Oh no. It doesn’t. Not at all. Crap.

Hey! I am having a hot flash right now. They are worse at night. I don’t know why.

And the beauty of it all is that is that these injections are usually prescribed for only two years so I could return to normal when I stop and then have to re-go through menopause all over again when it happens permanently.

I am pretty sure if men got these things there would not only be a cure but it would involve a fairly sizeable Hot Flash Compensation Package.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I've Got Nothing...

It is hot and I am in the middle of a craft project that is making my brain hurt with concentration. Yoshi is either sleeping or being really crabby. The only thing going on right now is the electric fan.

However, we both got over our pitiful selves long enough to do some much needed housework last night.

In the style of this.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

All Sick and Twisted Roads Lead To My Blog

Once again I have compiled a tremendous list of how various people have found their way to my blog. One could argue that a blog stat counter might just provide information better left unknown. I say knowledge is power and, in this case, pretty fucking bizarre.

Here is a list of searches terms that resulted in a visit to this site;

-gay hermit

-ladies peeing while running London marathon

-Yorkie haircuts

-why is my poop long and skinny

-cross dressers in hair rollers

-homemade catshit

-fembot nipples

-asshole burning by dominatrix

-love it when she moans

-penis crushing video

-getting fucked in slut boots ripping assholes

-I am completely alienated how can I fix the world

-long johns fever

-cute constipated girls

-sexy farting women

-pussy cancer

-butch haircut suck

-crush pet hard

-shiny boobs

-bad Barney

-head in pussy

-good looking old guys

-Persian cat revenge

-new hooties

-how do I stop my toilet from running besides jiggling the handle

-I'd like to have an elephant for Christmas

-medical ass injection films

-older brothers tittie twisting their younger brothers

-pictures of possum poo

-melon fuckers

-acidophilus pill in your ass

-tittie twisting bras

-dishwasher making loud moaning sound

Really, human beings freak me out. In a good way.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Memories of Summers Past

Many MANY years ago when I lived in my parent’s basement I was working in my jewellery studio at some ungodly late hour when my dad came creeping downstairs holding my brother’s old childhood air rifle. He asked me if I had heard any strange noises outside in the back yard. I totally had not because I was not only using my jewellers’ drill thingy but I also had some sort of music cranked up pretty loud.

I turned down my music and grabbed my trusty pepper spray from my purse ready to kick some thief ass and have another great father/daughter bonding moment. I joined my dad at the back door with our ears to the crack trying to hear if anybody was trying to break into the cars or worse, into the house itself. We crouched down in a commando stance and whipped the basement door open hoping to surprise any criminal in the act.

Nobody there.

We had just straightened up grinning at each other over our excessive worry and reaction when in a blur of grey a wee kitten Yoshi streaked through our legs and out into the yard.

Yoshi was not allowed to be out at night as the neighbourhood had raccoons and even coyotes which would make kitten chow out of her in seconds.

We ran out chasing her and she hid under a bush just out of reach. I put my little spray bottle in my pants front pocket and crouched down to coax her out…

PFFFFST! I pepper sprayed my groin.

I had forgotten to flick the safety switch back on.

We got Yoshi inside and I spent the rest of the night lying on my bed with a cool wet facecloth over my crotchal area.

So if you cannot aim at an attacker’s eyes I can assure you spraying their private parts will work pretty good too.