Booby Update With Knocker McHooterson

I haven’t bored you all lately with whinging and gory details about my tits. I plan to remedy that right this second.

I went to my very cute plastic surgeon the other day and he said we are all good to go with Operation (literally) Nipple. My Barbie boobs are soon to be one step closer to the real deal. No date yet but probably near the end of summer. I don’t like to think about it much as it involves my skin and a sharp scalpel. I plan to be drunk for the procedure.

Something else that has been new for me is menopause. Yes, that is right. I am 38 years old and in menopause. Voluntarily I might add. My breast cacner is HIGHLY estrogen receptor positive which means estrogen will cause the cancer to grow. Of course being a younger gal I would have more estrogen coursing through my body than post menopausal chicks. One of the ways they deal with removing that estrogen from my body is through a drug called Tamoxifen. I take that every day and will have to for 5 years. With Tamoxifen your ovaries can produce as much estrogen juice as they want and the drug will remove it. An oversimplification but I am boring myself just typing this out. I hate to loose you all to a narcoleptic reaction. Anyway, another method to reduce estrogen is to turn off the ovaries completely. You can get them removed which some ladies do or you can get an injection (every month or 3 months) in your stomach that turns your ovaries off through your pituitary gland. Men who have prostate cancer can take the same drug to shut down their man bits too. Anyway, I decided to stalk and beat down all the estrogen in my body both ways so as of the beginning of the year I’ve been getting these injections every month.

Well…

I can say that menopause has some good points. No more monthly angst, mood swings or cramps. No more frantic trips to the drug store for FHP. That would be feminine hygiene products for you XY chromosome readers. So that part is alright. The bad part is that when a lady goes through menopause naturally it happens fairly slowly. The body eeeeases into it over time. With my injection I got slammed into it. In a matter of a couple of weeks. The result? Can you say hot flash? Summer heat has taken on a whole new level of discomfort. Holy fuck! I didn’t know a person could sweat so much without any exertion at all. I look like one of those Gatorade ads where the very toned and muscular athlete is chugging back a bottle of much needed fluid while rivulets of sweat course down their body after running a marathon. Well that would be me except that my body is flabby and slightly fat and I am sitting on the couch watching Miami Ink.

There are a few things I do to cope. And by cope I mean sit there complaining, flapping my hands at my face and armpits and wiping off my soaked brow on the cat. I drink lots of cool water. I fan myself with silly cutesy fans I buy from Chinatown. And I laugh. I have a theory that the laughing releases endorphins which in turn will make the feeling of my head bursting into flame vaguely pleasurable.

Now the logical thing to do would be to get some sort of remedy for hot flashes, right? Nope. You see those medications (even the natural ones) are filled with either natural or synthetic hormones and I can’t have those in my body again. It would be defeating the whole point of the injection and Tamoxifen. So I am stuck. And sticky.

I sleep (when I do sleep as menopause also causes insomnia) without sheets or blankets. The cat no longer snoozes with me as I inevitably toss and turn and boot her hot and furry ass off the bed. My underwear is damp along with the rest of my clothes both day and night. I smell.

You’d think producing that kind of heat would burn calories thereby causing weight loss. Oh no. It doesn’t. Not at all. Crap.

Hey! I am having a hot flash right now. They are worse at night. I don’t know why.

And the beauty of it all is that is that these injections are usually prescribed for only two years so I could return to normal when I stop and then have to re-go through menopause all over again when it happens permanently.

I am pretty sure if men got these things there would not only be a cure but it would involve a fairly sizeable Hot Flash Compensation Package.