Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

FINALLY!! Pokey McSlowerson

Here it is! What you've been waiting for. A piccie of my post reconstruction hooties and post chemo hair grow-out. I am wearing pink to celebrate with Sharkey. Also because it makes me look hawt. Or maybe that is the hot flashes.

~Nipples Not Included~

Friday, May 25, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Compliments of the Nimble Fingers of MRTL

Last week I received a package from Mrtl and inside were items of such awe-inspiring magnificence I curled up on the floor and wept like a leeeetle guuuurl. Thanks, Mrtl. Seriously, thanks.

Aren't I FAAAAAbulous?


Can it get any better? Oh, yes. Yes it can.

*faints dead away with emotion*

*Humbly accepts applause from devoted fans*

Relaxing in Cannes.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


I am a total asshole. There is a serious lack of posting around these parts and it is completely my fault. I owe a photo of myself to Sharkey to celebrate her 5th Re-Birthday and I thought this would also be an excellent way to show you all how much my hair has grown out as well as a bit of cleavage with the new hooties. I even have the outfit picked out and everything. Here is the problem; being a single genteel lady living on my own who the fricking hell can I get to take my photo? I tried to set up some timer balancing act with my camera on various surfaces with crappy results. I have to get one of my parents over to take the photo. Or go to Sears Portrait Studio. So I’m sorry but you all will have to wait.

I cooked up some CDs for Kristine per her heartfelt request but both yesterday and today I got to the post office after closing so the envelope sadly sits in my car weeping softly to itself. Hold on Kristine! It’s coming!

I would love to tell you all about how much my neighbour hates my ass and describe the look on her face as she glares at me every chance she gets. Sadly it has come to my attention that people Googling my full name are directed to this supposedly anonymous site. In no place does my name appear in any posts or comments so I have no idea how this is happening. **If anybody can help me with this issue I’d love your input.** I’ve noticed lots of folks getting to my blog via my name lately so I have to be a little more circumspect with my rantings until I get this all figured out. I am fully convinced that this lovely lady’s wrath shooting through her fingertips would short circuit a computer if she tried to research me but just in case I won’t be getting into any details. Yet…

So has anybody had any experiences ordering prescription glasses via an internet site? I’ve found a fabu set of frames (in an olive colour) but, of course, cannot be sure they will suit me. I also argue with myself over paying half the price for online lenses opposed to getting the prescription filled here in town where I can deal easily with any potential problems. Any horror stories? Or did you get a great product at a great deal?

I dropped off some stuff I cleaned out of my storage space at the Salvation Army today. While there I poked around in some bins and found a freaking great set of mid century stainless steel serving dishes with gorgeous Bakelite handles and feet. $5 for the both of them!! SCORE!

Lulu My Almost Dog went on her very first camping trip this weekend. You can see pics at my friend’s Facebook site. I’m not sure if you have to join to view photos. Let me know if you have trouble and I will try to get the original jpegs posted.

HEY! Thanks so much for sending out birthday cards to Shane. I appreciate it and I'm sure he will be thrilled.

So I’m sorry I am such a lousy friend but I can promise you a fabulous Crush Your Cat’s Head Friday compliments of MRTL this week. It will be the best one EVAH!

Redemption is mine!

Monday, May 14, 2007

A Small Gesture

I remember when I was going through cancer treatment all your comments, emails, care packages and phone calls meant so much to me. Feeling isolated is very common as well as feeling useless while you just wait for your treatment to do its thing in your body.

Recently I saw on another blog (which I cannot find again so if it was your blog give me a shout out so I can credit you) as well as on my local news station a story about a young boy, Shane Bernier, in Eastern Canada undergoing very difficult treatment for Leukemia. It is his 8th birthday on May 30th and he is trying to break the word record for the most greeting cards received.

The funny thing (funny odd not funny haha) is that a few years ago I worked on the film about the boy in England, Craig Shergold, who now holds the new Guinness World Record of 350 million cards while he was undergoing treatment for a brain tumour several years ago. It was called 'Miracle of the Cards'. Ah yes, the interconnectedness of all things.

So I ask you fabulous supportive people to, if you can, pop a card in the mail for this little guy.

Shane Bernier
PO Box 484
Lancaster, Ontario
K0C 1N0

Here is a video featuring the news story I saw.

You guys KICK ASS!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Catching Up

I was driving around my old neighbourhood today and saw the most charming sight although my first impression was of shock but not for what you’d think. Initially what caught my eye were two huge muscular guys walking down the street. Like enormous hulking guys. Bald. Wearing wife beaters. Picture Mr. Clean but covered in tattoos including their heads. Mr. Dirtys as such. Really tough and scary. That was the shocking part. The part that charmed me was that they were holding hands. It made my day.

Sunday was the Vancouver Marathon and the route turned out to go right by my apartment. Not a big deal since I live in a hip urban centre and such. This is all part of the package. What was not so great was that people lined up outside at 7:30 am and started cheering and clapping. Then what added insult to injury was that some very energetic, supportive and inspired person (aka-assclown) had a cowbell and was ringing the shit out of it. As I lay there planning on where I was going to move so I never found myself in such a predicament again one of my neighbours yelled out the window, “SHUT UP WITH THE BELL! IT IS 7:30 AM ON A SUNDAY!” They stopped for 20 minutes. So despite Christopher Walken’s assurances to the contrary there are in fact times when you can actually have too much cowbell.

So remember that meme a lot of us did a week or so ago? I did it but visited Bucky’s site and saw her answers and was completely annihilated with laughter. Her answers rocked. So I asked for some questions from her because I knew they’d be really funny and I was so right. Sadly I cannot do them the justice they deserve but here we go…

1. With all the costumes, Yoshi is now ready to take her one-feline show on the road. What kind of spectacle is “Yoshi: the Musical”? Describe in detail.

Now this is a fantastic question and it required some serious thought. Here goes.

First of all it simply cannot be a one feline show as that goes against the whole ‘cat as supreme being and the rest are minions’ mentality that all cats possess. So in fact there would be back-up singers and dancers (think J-Lo type show) but hairier. Yoshi would also have her very own Harajuku Girls to pantomime her every thought to the audience.

The play list includes such hits as:

-The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Horking

-The Purry With the Fringe on Top

-Look At Me, I’m Full of Fleas

-I Feel Pretty…Hungry.

-Could We Eat Again Please?


-Matuna Pissoffa

-Scratch-a, Scratch a, Scratch me.

-Not Listening To You/Pet Me, Feed me

-Tinfoil Ball Wizard

-SupercalifragilisticexpialOdorous Litter Boxes

In a nihilistic minimalist neo-apocalyptic statement on stage Yoshi would sleep soundly throughout the performance on a bed of nails while surrounded by soft catnip scented pillows.


2. From now on, for the rest of your life, you get one food and one beverage that you must eat and drink exclusively. In your ideal world, what would they be? In the worse-case scenario, what would be the most distasteful food/drink combo that could be picked for you?

-If asked this question last year I would have unhesitatingly yelled SUSHI! but after my food poisoning debacle a lifetime of seaweed flavoured dry heaves is unthinkable. So as of now I am going to say a Milestone’s Veggie Burger with mushrooms and mozza cheese with a side of curly fries and watercress dip. For a drink I would say Barq’s Root Beer and for dessert I would like a chocolate malt. The worst meal would be SUSHI! or anything one is required to eat on Fear Factor.

3. Who will play you in a movie of your life? You may also include a supporting cast if you are so inclined.

-If I go by looks and similarities that way I would be played by Sandra Bullock (I’ve been told many times that I REMIND people of her) (sorta like the ugly kid sister) and my dad would be played by Alan Alda as they look like they could be brothers. My mom would be Mitzi Gaynor due to another uncanny resemblance. My brother would be played by Ben Affleck because his granny-in-law thinks he looks like him and my sister-in-law would be played by Juliana Margulies cuz she has dark curly hair. Yoshi would be played by Charlize Theron.

Now if we had to go by personality I’d be played by Janeane Garofolo, my dad by Benny Hill, my mom by Martha Stewart, my brother by Spock, my sister-in-law by Kristina Matisic of The Shopping Bags and Yoshi would be played by Zsa Zsa Gabor.

4. It is within your power to decree that one television series, from any period in TV history, can be banished to a black hole, never to be seen again, not even in syndication. What show would it be and why?

-The first show that popped into my head was Dallas because, Hello!, annoying. And because truly nobody can relate to it on any level. Rich, bossy oil tycoon and dysfunctional family….nobody I know. Also that It Was All a Dream -JR Didn't Get Shot After All cop-out really pissed me off.

5. Would you rather be poor and respected or rich and despised?

-Sadly this should be very cut and dry with me saying “Respected and poor, OF COURSE!” Duh. Yet… Here is the thing. It would totally depend on why I was despised. Am I hated because of the way I earned my money? Like through slavery or puppy mills or draining pension funds? If I would hate myself for the method of my wealth gathering then, yes, I would rather be poor and respected. BUT! If I was just despised because I was rich and people were jealous then I’d totally want to be wealthy and hated because I know in my heart I’d give a lot to charity and help my friends and family. That is all that matters to me. And the more I am loathed and rejected by the public then the more money there is left over for meeeeeeeee. The way my job life has been so far I have had more lean years than abundant ones. When I do have financially flush times I use the cash to catch up from those lean times. I have simply never had a lot of disposable income so just for once in my life I would like to be rich and take care of my friends and family. Oh, and shop my ass off.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Roly-Poly

Hmmmm...What does this mean?

What does this have to do with Yoshi?

Other than making me feel hungry what's with the pastries?

Yeah, the Vancouver Canucks lost but so what? Where's the damned cat?
Obviously very delicious but I just don't understand. What could this all possibly mean?


Tuesday, May 01, 2007

On a Roll

I have been very remiss in my blogging duties lately and each night I fully intend to sit down and write something highly interesting, intellectual and introspective but then suddenly see something shiny out of the corner of my eye and I thereby enter a trance-like state of sorts and forget all about my blogging intentions.

The fact is this; for some reason I am going through a highly Energetic Phase which is very unlike my normal Every Day Lethargic Phase for the last couple years. Between breast cancer, multiple treatments, 5 surgeries, horrific anxiety and my very own personal pity party I have been sitting on my ass watching a lot of TV lately and doing very little else. Why so hyper now? I am not sure if it is Springtime, my fabulous antidepressants kicking in or melamine poisoning in my Wheaties causing me to feel able to get vertical but I am not wasting this energy spike by trying to ascertain its cause.

Here is a list of what I have been up to the last couple weeks:

-completely cleared out my closet and all my drawers resulting in 3 black garbage bags of old clothes and stuff to be given to charity as well as a huge bag to be thrown away.

-drove all that stuff to the Salvation Army.

-multiple trips to IKEA for all those little bits I desperately need to make my house a home blah blah blah (totally falling for marketing hype).

-2 trips to the vet with dogs and cat (my friend’s animals which includes Lulu) for the dogs’ booster shots and tests for the cat who perhaps was fed tainted food. The cat is not poisoned but has urinary crystals. He also has a very bad case of the grumpies.

-2 trips each week to therapy plus a routine check-up at the Cancer Agency (everything is fine) as well as an appointment at my brain doc for happy meds. I also had a visit from my fabulously nice home care nurse (actually he is a murse [man nurse]) for my monthly injection to put me in menopause. That is a whole other post which I will get to another day when I am not having a hot flash. I also got my eyes tested. Still blind.

-plucked my eyebrows.

-went to Canadian Tire for compact fluorescent light bulbs (to do my bit for greenhouse gasses), bins for organising my storage locker, and fabulously cool new windshield wipers.

-repaired a chip in my bathtub as well a fixed caulking issues with precise wielding of razor blade.

-did my income tax return.

-organised my filing cabinet.

-vigorously brushed cat and then vacuumed for hours picking up all the mini Yoshi’s rolling around.

-recovered cat scratching post with new carpet.

-spent several hours going through all sorts of my stuff which was damaged by a water leak in the basement several months ago and put everything in plastic bins. Threw out 2 black garbage bags of moldy papers and photos.

-helped my folks clean on two different days.

-washed my car inside and out which took 3 hours. Went as far as to use Q-Tips for crevices. Also cleaned all the junk from my trunk and vacuumed there too.

-obsessively researched the prices of new eyeglasses online (see above blindness issues).

-watched the entire second season of Grey’s Anatomy on DVD. Now has unhealthy crush on Denny Duquette character.

-dumped out and washed all my spice jars. I am getting fresh contents so I am inspired to cook more.

-cleaned up and rewired nice lamp I found by the dumpster.

-attended a 3 hour course.

-bought two gifts in two different parts of town.

-did research for my business plan.

-cleaned my apartment in a very anal manner.

-completely disconnected my computer and all the peripherals and reconnected them in an obsessively tidy way including a revolting amount of zip ties.

-went on mini shopping trip at great store in crappy part of town. Got good deals but almost got mugged.

-read 6 books.

-polished my stainless steel cutlery.

-shopped online for Father’s Day and Christmas presents. I KNOW! Sick.

And tomorrow I am taking my car in for repairs, getting my hair coloured and washing all my floors. Then sometime over the next week I will be helping my mom make a new bed skirt, shopping for new eyeglasses, taking the dogs to the dog park, getting my clothing dryer fixed, researching materials for my business plan which means visiting distant warehouses, attending physio for my shoulder affected by my last reconstruction surgery, driving an hour to a nearby town to see my friend’s new puppy, going back to IKEA to exchange a lamp shade once they get new stock, making pillow covers, getting a pedicure and a bikini wax, buying some little replacement bits for my car and fixing my fax machine.

I cannot stop doing stuff.

It is kinda cool.