Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Catching Up

I was driving around my old neighbourhood today and saw the most charming sight although my first impression was of shock but not for what you’d think. Initially what caught my eye were two huge muscular guys walking down the street. Like enormous hulking guys. Bald. Wearing wife beaters. Picture Mr. Clean but covered in tattoos including their heads. Mr. Dirtys as such. Really tough and scary. That was the shocking part. The part that charmed me was that they were holding hands. It made my day.

Sunday was the Vancouver Marathon and the route turned out to go right by my apartment. Not a big deal since I live in a hip urban centre and such. This is all part of the package. What was not so great was that people lined up outside at 7:30 am and started cheering and clapping. Then what added insult to injury was that some very energetic, supportive and inspired person (aka-assclown) had a cowbell and was ringing the shit out of it. As I lay there planning on where I was going to move so I never found myself in such a predicament again one of my neighbours yelled out the window, “SHUT UP WITH THE BELL! IT IS 7:30 AM ON A SUNDAY!” They stopped for 20 minutes. So despite Christopher Walken’s assurances to the contrary there are in fact times when you can actually have too much cowbell.

So remember that meme a lot of us did a week or so ago? I did it but visited Bucky’s site and saw her answers and was completely annihilated with laughter. Her answers rocked. So I asked for some questions from her because I knew they’d be really funny and I was so right. Sadly I cannot do them the justice they deserve but here we go…

1. With all the costumes, Yoshi is now ready to take her one-feline show on the road. What kind of spectacle is “Yoshi: the Musical”? Describe in detail.

Now this is a fantastic question and it required some serious thought. Here goes.

First of all it simply cannot be a one feline show as that goes against the whole ‘cat as supreme being and the rest are minions’ mentality that all cats possess. So in fact there would be back-up singers and dancers (think J-Lo type show) but hairier. Yoshi would also have her very own Harajuku Girls to pantomime her every thought to the audience.

The play list includes such hits as:

-The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Horking

-The Purry With the Fringe on Top

-Look At Me, I’m Full of Fleas

-I Feel Pretty…Hungry.

-Could We Eat Again Please?


-Matuna Pissoffa

-Scratch-a, Scratch a, Scratch me.

-Not Listening To You/Pet Me, Feed me

-Tinfoil Ball Wizard

-SupercalifragilisticexpialOdorous Litter Boxes

In a nihilistic minimalist neo-apocalyptic statement on stage Yoshi would sleep soundly throughout the performance on a bed of nails while surrounded by soft catnip scented pillows.


2. From now on, for the rest of your life, you get one food and one beverage that you must eat and drink exclusively. In your ideal world, what would they be? In the worse-case scenario, what would be the most distasteful food/drink combo that could be picked for you?

-If asked this question last year I would have unhesitatingly yelled SUSHI! but after my food poisoning debacle a lifetime of seaweed flavoured dry heaves is unthinkable. So as of now I am going to say a Milestone’s Veggie Burger with mushrooms and mozza cheese with a side of curly fries and watercress dip. For a drink I would say Barq’s Root Beer and for dessert I would like a chocolate malt. The worst meal would be SUSHI! or anything one is required to eat on Fear Factor.

3. Who will play you in a movie of your life? You may also include a supporting cast if you are so inclined.

-If I go by looks and similarities that way I would be played by Sandra Bullock (I’ve been told many times that I REMIND people of her) (sorta like the ugly kid sister) and my dad would be played by Alan Alda as they look like they could be brothers. My mom would be Mitzi Gaynor due to another uncanny resemblance. My brother would be played by Ben Affleck because his granny-in-law thinks he looks like him and my sister-in-law would be played by Juliana Margulies cuz she has dark curly hair. Yoshi would be played by Charlize Theron.

Now if we had to go by personality I’d be played by Janeane Garofolo, my dad by Benny Hill, my mom by Martha Stewart, my brother by Spock, my sister-in-law by Kristina Matisic of The Shopping Bags and Yoshi would be played by Zsa Zsa Gabor.

4. It is within your power to decree that one television series, from any period in TV history, can be banished to a black hole, never to be seen again, not even in syndication. What show would it be and why?

-The first show that popped into my head was Dallas because, Hello!, annoying. And because truly nobody can relate to it on any level. Rich, bossy oil tycoon and dysfunctional family….nobody I know. Also that It Was All a Dream -JR Didn't Get Shot After All cop-out really pissed me off.

5. Would you rather be poor and respected or rich and despised?

-Sadly this should be very cut and dry with me saying “Respected and poor, OF COURSE!” Duh. Yet… Here is the thing. It would totally depend on why I was despised. Am I hated because of the way I earned my money? Like through slavery or puppy mills or draining pension funds? If I would hate myself for the method of my wealth gathering then, yes, I would rather be poor and respected. BUT! If I was just despised because I was rich and people were jealous then I’d totally want to be wealthy and hated because I know in my heart I’d give a lot to charity and help my friends and family. That is all that matters to me. And the more I am loathed and rejected by the public then the more money there is left over for meeeeeeeee. The way my job life has been so far I have had more lean years than abundant ones. When I do have financially flush times I use the cash to catch up from those lean times. I have simply never had a lot of disposable income so just for once in my life I would like to be rich and take care of my friends and family. Oh, and shop my ass off.


whfropera said...

excellent answers!
I was completely surprised that Yoshi chose to not learn
Una FUR-tiva Lapurrma for her encore.

Bucky Four-Eyes said...

I love this! I'll be the first one to buy the original cast soundtrack from Yoshi's extravaganza.

Babs said...

You made me laugh out loud with Yoshi's repetoire.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Brilliant questions, brilliant answers. Mille grazie to both you Interview Divas.

Ern said...

Great answers. Especially the honesty in the rich/poor one. Especially the Yoshi Musical one. Oh, and especially the one about your family. The personality selections made me feel like I can imagine your family gatherings perfectly!

Squirl said...

They're all good answers. But, as I'm partial to musicals, that one was my favorite. Your song names cracked me right up!

alan said...

Read this yesterday and felt guilty about the pleasurable thoughts of accidently knocking over a 5 gallon bucket of water on your patio...

Love your answers to round 2!


SassyFemme said...

Dang, you're funny! Loved all of it!

Susie said...

Great questions and great answers :) I want to see the musical. And like you, I say give me lots of money and hate me. I've done the poor and respected thing. It ain't all that. :p

Rice said...

Loved every word! This was a masterpiece.
It started with the "wife beater" description. I laughed out loud and my daughter is sitting here eating breakfast looking at me like I'm crazy.

frog said...

#1 is just genius!

gypsygrrl said...

"Yoshi would be played by Charlize Theron" is the line that brought me to my knees...and the soda out thru my nose!

you are a brilliant writer!

eclectic said...

So funny!! Can I have Yoshi's autograph?

hemlock said...

These are awesome answers. I love the actors you have chosen for your movie... when does it come out?

kalki said...

From the cowbell to "fin" to Yoshi's bed of nails and Charlize Theron...CRACKING ME UP. There are tears, I am so cracked up. Rob is all, "What are you reading?"