Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Friday, December 29, 2006

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Bye Bye 2006

In keeping with recent holiday tradition some electircal item of mine poops out right about now. Last year-my computer. This year-my digital camera. Fortunately I think it is covered under warranty.

So today I bring you one of the very first photos I ever posted of Yoshi. Well before anybody ever came to my blog. It is my most favourite picture of her and I think a good way to end the year of head crushing.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

My Very Own Kelly Rippa Moment

I watched a bit of The Rachael Ray Show today. It is the first time I have ever seen it. Does it make me weird that the first thing that struck me was that after she walks towards the stage kitchen, shaking audience member's hands along the way, she gets right into cooking without washing up?


Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Whatever Humbuggery Is Called After Christmas

I got through the holidays. Heavily tranquilized, mind you, but I got through. I am a Christmas Survivor. I can even say I had fun. A sorta overwhelmed fun in a sorta over stimulated way. You know when you live a hermit-style life and all of a sudden you are eating dinner with 8 other people? People who actually talk to you and expect a reply? That sort of fun. I interacted! Go me! You see, Yoshi does not talk back to me nor does she require a response from me, for the most part, so this whole social interaction thang (beyond yelling at the TV) really threw me for a loop. Clearly I have to get over my anxiety issues and get out more.

Not so fast! While I may have been temporarily infused with Christmas Spirit I quickly reverted to my former curmudgeonly ways almost immediately upon return to my home base.

Here is what has been pissing me off lately.

-Christmas commercials after the day is over. So wrong. Very very wrong.

-that whole recap of every fricking gory detail of what happened in 2006. Been there, DONE THAT ALREADY!!!! I want to look forward to good things in the new year.

-creepy neighbours. Today I went to get my mail in the lobby and this guy did not get on the first elevator so he could wait for me to get my mail and ride up with me instead. Fortunately another person got on with us and saved me from the inevitable discomfort when I would be forced to shut him down before he got too personal. The weird thing is that this is not a romantic interest as he is very obviously gay. He just seems overly nosey but in a creepy way. I do not know what his thing is.

-Boxing Day (or plain ol’ after Xmas) sales. Shopping insanity and huge line-ups to get into stores to buy more stuff. Mother of Crap! When is it ENOUGH stuff? When?

Today I did a totally curmudgeonly thing and called the cops on somebody whose car alarm was going non stop for about an hour outside my window. The cops came about 2 hours later, waited until the person came to their car and personally handed over a ticket. It was AWESOME!!!! I was overly gleeful about it as I had been slowly going insane over the whole afternoon. Only now are my shoulders starting to creep down from my ears.

I am once again planning my Annual New Years Eve Boycott. So yet again it will be me, Yoshi, an indecent amount of take-out food, DVDs, a warm blanket, my PJs and my couch. This year, due to my summer sushi food poisoning, I will be avoiding the raw fish and going with very yummy well cooked Chinese food instead. I would appreciate any suggestions for ‘feel good’ movies that I can watch. No negativity or gore. I want to start 2007 feeling happy.

Am I alone with my year end grumpiness? Anybody else out there looking forward to a fresh new year?

Friday, December 22, 2006

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Christmas Edition

Susie and Sharkey suggested we dress up our furry friends for the holidays and post the results on our blogs. You know I am only too happy to participate in this kind of perversion. Mwahahaha!

While I did not manage to send out physical Christmas cards this year I did throw together a virtual one. Yoshi and I also want to thank you for the love and support we have received from all of you in your lovely comments and emails. We hope you all have a wonderful holiday with those you love and we cannot wait to read about your celebrations.

Yes, both Yoshi and I read your blogs and then talk about you afterwards.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Still In One Piece-One VERY Itchy Piece

Update on The Healing

The Problem-

On Friday I suddenly started getting a very red rash all around my incision sites. It looked like an allergic rash to me but when I researched on The Internets the one condition that kept coming up was Flesh Eating Disease. Fabulous. Just the words one wants to hear with the weekend coming up and no doctors in sight. I kept an eye on it and while it did get worse it didn’t seem to be acting like it was eating my flesh. It was just very bumpy, dry and itchy. Then I started getting low grade fevers and stomach upset. I started worrying about infection of some sort but it just didn’t make sense. I could see one area getting infected but not two separate ones very far away from each other. Not to mention 3 weeks after the surgery when for the most part everything is all healed up.

The Diagnosis-

Possible allergic reaction to the glue/adhesive on the steri-strips used to close my incisions. I have never had a reaction before on my other 3 surgery sites but such is the life of me. I am well known for having bizarre and unprecedented side effects and health issues out of the blue like this. Hell, being diagnosed with breast cancer at 35 was pretty much the highlight of my medical cursedness. If it is rare it is going to affect me somewhere, somehow. In fact the head pharmacist of the local teaching hospital knows me by name due to some strange side effects I had to some very well established and otherwise benign medications a few years ago.

The Solution-

The doc ripped off all the steri-strips (totally painlessly unlike when I tried to do it myself the other day. OW!!!!) which revealed an even angrier red rash underneath in the exact shape of the tape. Hmmmmmm… I have been given a cortisone cream for it. I am still very itchy. If this cream doesn’t work I have an anti-fungus one in the wings. Yes, that is right. I might have a fungy titty. Thanks Santa!

Monday, December 18, 2006

11 More things About Me If you Don't Flee Immediately

Way back when I started my blog I posted 50 Things About Me and have never added to that since. Today I am going to change that with a further 11 Things About Me for a grand total of 61. What a magic number. I will update you soon about The Healing. I have experienced a bit of a setback and am unsure if it is minor or serious. I go to the doc tomorrow and hopefully will find out then. When I know, you’ll know.

A Further 11 Things About Me

51. I don’t drink coffee but am totally addicted to tea. I do not, when at home, drink my tea out of any old mug or cup. I have a plastic thermos type cup I ONLY drink out of. I like my cup best because it keeps the tea hot longer. I love my tea hot, hot hot!

52. For the most part I am a ‘live and let live’ kind of gal. I may not agree with something but I don’t react too strongly because I think it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things and that people are entitled to their own opinions, lives and personal tastes. However, there are a few things in the world that might be considered pretty innocuous by others that, well, make me fucking nuts. By fucking nuts I mean trigger such sudden and intense rage in me I can hardly contain myself.

-patchouli perfume. I know I have mentioned this before but I’ll tell it again. The smell of this stuff freaks me out. I HATE it. So much so that I almost transferred out of a college class because one of my classmates wore this scent. I moved to the polar opposite corner of the room and it turned out she didn’t wear it everyday. Thank GOD!

-whining and screaming kids. I cannot watch those nanny type reality shows on TV because when the kids throw fits my whole peace of mind is totally shattered. My stress level rises suddenly and violently and all I want is quiet right then and there. I avoid shopping on the weekends and in those types of stores where young children are likely to be because of this reaction. I literally want to run away. I love me some quiet and well behaved kids. Kids who shout and play don’t bother me. It is that tantrum screeching and horrible whining that freaks me out. Don’t worry. I am childless and have no plans to breed. This is a major reason why.

-that commercial on TV for Dr. Scholl’s Gel shoe inserts? You know it? When the character dialogue is so inane in order to rhyme with “gellin’”? “Hi! I am Helen and eat this melon. And by the way I am totally gellin’.” Oh fuck, this commercial makes me want to kill. I flip off (give it the finger…) the TV every time it is on and have to leave the room.

-certain politicians like George Bush or our Prime Minister Steven Harper or our Premier Gordon Campbell to name a few. All they have to do is come off as arrogant and unsympathetic then the hate-on begins.

53. I cannot dance. Like proper dance. You know. Waltz. Never had to. Never learned.

54. I cannot sing. Trust me.

55. I have not used a hair dryer since my hair grew back in after chemo.

56. I am totally against hunting but probably not for the reasons you’d think. It is not because I am a vegetarian. It is because it is totally unfair. I don’t understand why somebody would be proud and excited after shooting some poor animal when they used a gun or bow, probably with a scope, and were wearing camouflage and were using scents or special whistles not to mention possibly using a dog for their heightened senses. Jeeez, how could you NOT kill an animal that way? Now if you were naked and you hunted down and killed some animal with your bare hands then I would be totally fine with it. It only seems right.

57. I have been in a hot air balloon. It was cool.

58. I’ve had the same cell phone for the last 5 years. I am just not that into technology for the sake of technology and wouldn’t upgrade unless my old phone broke or something. It just seems wasteful to me. I have never text messaged either.

59. I have a box of Kleenex in every room of my apartment because I have a constant runny nose. Very grandmotherly of me.

60. My legs are always itchy. I keep a hairbrush next to my bed so I can give them a good scratch. They seem to be itchiest when I am tired. I have no idea why.

61. I love Wonder Woman and Hello Kitty. I can’t say I have official collections but I do have a fair amount of their stuff. Probably more than a grown-up should.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Saturday Edition

Preshus Kitten Yoshi in the Shunshine.

And my deepest apologies to Blogger because the fault was all mine with the photo posting thang. The file was too big.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Technical Difficulties-Please Stand By

Blogger won't let me post a photo!! BAAAAASTAAAAARDS!

I'll have a crushing photo up as soon as I can.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The Christmas Cookie Exchange - TOTALLY Cookie Free

Susie is hosting a fabulous party at her place and she asked us some probing holiday questions.

Favourite holiday recipes-

Ok. I am in an enviable position where I don’t do any cooking at all for Christmas. My mom does it all. I think this is a combination of the fact that I am single, I haven’t had much of a kitchen let alone a dining room for several years and that I am a lousy cook. I cannot even fathom organizing a food extravaganza on the level that my mom does every Christmas season. Honestly I can hardly manage to feed myself the rest of the year. Being vegetarian I have no clue how to cook meat. While I enjoy Christmas dinner I would be just as happy with a pizza or sandwich. (Don't kill me mom!) Anyway, so I just show up and eat and leave.

Special Traditions-

Once again I have to be the party pooper and say that my family doesn’t really have any hard and fast traditions. Some come and some go over time. Here are a few things that have been traditions in the past or are still going on for now-

-My mom rarely cooks a turkey for Christmas. We have beef. Or everybody else has beef. I don’t eat meat. It might be a roast or a Wellington but it is never a bird.

-I’d say over the last decade my mom has made rumballs and Christmas cake. I love the rumballs and usually eat more than my fair share but hate the cake. This is good for my dad as it is his favourite and he doesn’t have to share.

-Probably the only one real tradition I can think of is that my dad gets Christmas pudding with hard sauce for Christmas dessert. It is a British thing. And every year the rest of us have a different dessert of some kind because we think pudding and hard sauce is nasty.

-For several years I used a bowling trophy for a tree topper. I was poor and it seemed sparkly and festive so up it went. I now have a smaller fake tree and the trophy is too big. I still have it just in case I go ‘big tree’ again.

-My parents used to give my brother and me a giant Toblerone bar in our stocking. We have asked to end that tradition as we no longer have youthful metabolisms to process such a vast amount of chocolate.

-As kids my brother and I never really left cookies and milk for Santa because we lived in an apartment and didn’t have a fireplace for stockings etc. My dad used to say Santa came in through the key hole.

-We open our gifts Christmas morning and as kids my brother and I were allowed to open our stocking first (usually at the crack of dawn) while my parents woke up and got coffee ready. Then we would open gifts together as a family.

-My brother and parents often go for a walk after breakfast and gift opening. I stay behind and have a nap.

-I am so boring you (and myself) with these totally lame so-called traditions….

Favourite Gift to Give-

-once again I have to be the bah humbugger. Over the last several years the giving of family gifts has been fairly lacking in total surprise as we give each other lists of what we need. We try to give gifts that are useful and needed. As a result there are not a lot of fanciful or extraneous presents. For me, I love giving a gift that was very desperately wanted. Whatever that might be any given year.

What You Wear When You Don Your Gay Apparel-

-Oh jeeeez….we used to get dressed up for Christmas but now it is jeans and a shirt. Typically my parents are more dressed up than my brother and I.

How boring are we? But at least we are boring together.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Just Emphasising How Sad A Person I Am

I came to a conclusion today. I am bitter. It is true. However I am not alone in my bitterness as I have also realized that there have been those before me who were also bitter for the same reason. I believe there is a legacy of bitterness. Do you remember when you were a kid when your folks or relatives or some grown-up would say to you how lucky you were as when they were a kid they had it rough? Both my parents grew up in the depression/WWII days so I got lots of stories about how hard they had it. And they did. They legitimately did. And I had it easy compared to them. And so it continues…

I was talking to my cousin, LBo, the other day, and as always the topic of what her two girls, ages 17 and 18, are doing lately comes up. Inevitably she tells me that they doing something that incites intense jealousy in me. While I am so happy that they get to do such cool stuff there is a little voice in my head that yells, “OH MAN!!! We never had that when I was a kid! I'm so seriously fucking envious of these teenagers!” And then I feel like a nasty old curmudgeon shit.

So I realized that when those adults in my past who said I had an easy life were in actuality bitter. And I am bitter too.

My cousin’s kids went to summer camp and they rode horses and did archery and really cool stuff like that. When I went to camp we made crafts out of bark. We roasted weenies over a fire. Holy crap, that was exciting. A real fire. One not in a dumpster. (I was a city child) I can remember what a big deal a canoe was. We didn’t get to ride in one but there were some at the dock. But there were no horses or arrows or specially trained counselors complete with CPR training and early development education. Our minders were drunk teenagers. And there were no seatbelts on the bus either.

Kids now have teachers who care. They have teachers who know about ADD, ADHD, peanut allergies, learning disabilities, substance abuse, negligent parents, and childhood illness. Parents also are actually involved in their kids schooling and call and complain if there are any problems. Nobody did that when I was a kid. Kids with learning problems or behavior issues were just called bad and sent to the principal’s office. If you were not doing well in a particular class you failed and then took summer school. There were no parent/teacher conferences or special tutors brought in. You were just left behind. I had never even heard of a peanut allergy until I was in my 20’s. I guess my anaphylactic classmates just wheezed their way through lunch hour.

Nobody used to care if you were harassed by a bully. I know I never even bothered to complain about it as I knew there was no point. You had to suck it up and just run faster. Nowadays there are Anti-Bully Coalition Committees and videos and reading material and everything. Bullies are actually singled out and frowned upon. Other kids ‘out’ bullies to their elders. They are the losers opposed to the victims. Bullies are no longer cool.

I had an English teacher in high school who used to turn off the heat and open the windows in his classroom so we were all cold and therefore awake and paying attention. We were not allowed to wear our coats. Nowadays that guy would be stoned to death in the playground by angry parents. And then sued multiple times.

That kind of shit is no longer tolerated so yeah, I am bitter. My cousin’s kids go to a special creative high school where there are dance and TV production classes. Artistic ability and individuality are not only celebrated but encouraged. However, I was called ‘Drama Fag’ for my participation in school plays. When I was a kid the only thing praised in school was athletic ability. There were no such things as special high schools for creative kids. Coaches practiced such archaic methods like letting student captains (always the best jocks) pick their own team. If you were small and slow and nearsighted like I was gym was the ultimate humiliation. My gym teacher used to encourage the kids to tease me. He called me ‘useless’ himself. That never happens anymore. Now that is considered ‘unhealthy.’

Yeah, I am really bitter. Kids these days have cell phones and DVD players in the car and belly button rings and wear grown up clothes. I had the joy of my little brother’s company in the backseat of the family car and his only diversion was bugging me. We rattled around the back without seatbelts. I wore gauchos and the only body piercing I ever saw was on those National Geographic films. We had one phone in the house and one TV and we watched what was on basic cable and we were thankful.

Well, now I am not. Now I am pissed. Dooce even posted about it today. There are special flavored medicines. Not to mention online homework help and video games. Kid oriented TV channels and DVDs. We had Saturday morning cartoons and the Sunday night Disney show. Otherwise we were forced to read. An actual book. OMG!

Kids are now marketed to. Society rejects spankings. Children are considered more equals opposed to second class citizens. HEY! Admit it. Kids have it better now. Nothing is too good for them. Their opinions count. I don’t say they always necessarily have it easier. There are more pressures. Our big temptations were beer and maybe some hash oil that so-and-so’s brother got from a guy in some alley. Now there is meth and crack and manufactured thrills like that. Yet overall I think kids have it better. I think kids are encouraged more and have far more opportunities to express themselves.

So yeah. I am sitting here writing about how jealous I am of little kids. It is official. I’m old. Old, sick, bitter and twisted.

Are you envious of kids today? Or do you think life is harder?

Friday, December 08, 2006

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Hold Them Tight

Two people who are dealing with the loss of a dear pet right now. Go give them some love.

Michelle-my dear friend and next door neighbour at The Old House.

Twisted Uterus-had to make that terrible decision.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

It's Official!

I just got off the phone and have received some really nice news. My brother and his long time girlfriend, Jen, eloped. They went to Hawaii, which we all knew about but just thought was a holiday, and got hitched on the beach. Coolio! I have a sister-in-law now!

The funny part is that they accidentally got married on my mom and dad's wedding anniversary. It also happens to be my mom's birthday too. Ooops! Easier to remember now, I guess.

Sneaking off like that and doing it on their own is soooo the way I would get married, too, so I think it is great. I can't wait to see the photos.

Yoshi is a little sad she didn't get to be a bridesmaid, though.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

At Which Point My Husband (If I Was Married) Would Leave Me To Rot Alone

The Healitude continues and it is getting very outspoken. When I first got home I was in the very tender stage which meant a lot of quiet “eeeeeeeee-ing” and hissing when moving about. Having the one incision on my back and two incisions on my front means the rear loses and I lay on that owie pretty much all the time. Now I am less tender but more sore and stiff which means you hear a lot of “OI!” and “YIKES!” and “OOoooooOOOOooWWWWW!” when getting up and down and moving around to get comfortable. Yeah, comfortable….whatever that means. I haven’t felt that way since this whole thing started. It is more degrees of ‘less sore' than actual 'comfort'. To be honest I am pretty crabby.

Basically I have entered the Old Man part of my recovery. Shuffling around in slippers and an old ratty cardigan. Muttering under my breath and audibly creaking with any sudden movement. Leaving things unfinished when they become too overwhelming. Cupboard and closet doors stand open. Empty cups and half eaten meals litter my living room. Well, they do for about 20 minutes before my mom comes over and does her daily sterilization of my whole apartment.

My Mankitude also continues and it is almost becoming a source of pride to me how rank I am getting. My mom washed my hair in the kitchen sink so it really doesn’t seem all that bad now that the greasy bangs are out of my eyes and the oily swim-cap-hair feeling is gone. I figure this situation is not totally unlike the pride of men who go on long fishing trips in the wilderness. How long their beards are getting and whether their filthy jeans can stand up on their own, become a topic of some distinction. I am in the trenches and that doesn’t smell pretty. I have earned my right to offend. Kinda like crazy street people.

Today’s topic of Bitchitude is the nasty ‘hit-your-funny-bone-feeling’ that perpetually affects my right arm. Jeeeeez it sucks. Makes me quite whiney, frankly. This is probably swelling affecting some nerve or something. It hurts too much for me to research on the internet. I’d rather just awkwardly lie on my back and snivel about it. It honestly seems to help.

Let the party continue…

Monday, December 04, 2006

Stopping By To Stink At You

Still really sore. Still really tired. Covered in a huge ugly bruise and 8 inch incision on my back. Bruised and imagine an eye shaped incision the size of a boob (6-8 inches on each side) on my front. Resting, reading and sleeping a lot. Cat won't leave my side.

Doin' ok! Kinda smelly as I cannot bathe with my two drains still in. Too sore to lean over the sink to wash my hair. Totally scared the postman with my new hippie funk the other day. Cat doesn't seem to mind.

Thanks so much for checking in, y'all.

Friday, December 01, 2006

This Had Better Be The Last Apres Surgery Post

Hi Everybody

Everything is a success. I got home yesterday from my surgery and am feeling ok. There is pain and discomfort but overall it isn’t too bad. Thank so much for all your well wishes. They were a nice thing to come home to.

In all honesty the two days in the hospital were rough with all my anxiety and I was very happy to leave. Once I got home I noticed my pain improving immediately and I was able to sleep a nice deep sleep for a change. That is basically what I am doing now-a--days. Sleeping. Yoshi is always snuggled up nearby and tries to get in as close as she can without hurting me. She is mostly gentle with a couple near misses with running paws coming in contact with incisions. I don’t blame her since there are three of them and in different places on my body and she just gets so excited.

I’ll post more when I get more energy and the damned bed stops calling my name.