Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Friday, June 29, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-30 Seconds of Yoshi

She Hates Punk Rock

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

OK, Now It's Getting Silly.

You know what? Most guys ask for your number or for a date. Not these guys. They come on a Saturday night to lurk around my building bothering the neighbours with their sirens and flashing lights.

Stalking me under the pretext of checking on a sick old lady. Saw right through that one, I did.

And then they came back on Monday night too. Jeeez, guys! Seriously, just send me some flowers or a box of chocolates. Leave the poor old lady from across the street alone.

FINE! I'll go on a date with you. As long as you wear those cute boots and suspenders.

Clearly, my 'glowing' skin and matching outfit really dazzled these guys. I can't get rid of them.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Memories of Summers Past


Kranki and Pablo are sitting in the car stuck in traffic. AC/DC comes on the radio and both proceed to rock out. There is head banging, devil's horn hand signals, lip-syncing, dashboard piano and air-drums.

Pablo: You know, I'll have to surrender my faggot membership card for this.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Seriously People. SERIOUSLY!

Guess who showed up again today?

There I was, minding my own business when, with sirens blaring, the man who snubbed me showed up with all his buddies.

My first thought?


What is wrong with this building?

So I got the cat carrier out again and located my shoes and purse expecting to be told to flee the premises any second because while there were two fire trucks outside our fire alarm wasn’t actually going off.

So I waited…

I watched the fire guys swarm out of the trucks putting on their gear and standing on the street looking up and pointing at the building. They were pointing above me so all I could think about was that the construction crew had set the roof on fire or something.

I didn’t know what the ‘or something’ would be but I could imagine it might be pretty damned bad.

Fuckity fuckity fucking fuck fuckers!

So the fire guys and random pedestrians are all looking up and pointing and milling about and all us tenants are standing on our balconies craning our necks to see what they seem to be looking at and totally clueless about what the frick is going on…

Until one of the bystanders noticed something. A totally different building about 2 blocks away that seemed to be leaking black smoke from one of its apartments.


They got the wrong building.

Yeah…they get a call to the area and just automatically assume it is my building that is the culprit.

The manly men got back into their trucks and turned on the lights and sirens and toodled off to the actual emergency.

I am so proud of the legacy my little lodge is creating in the neighbourhood. The building that cried, “Fire!”

Monday, June 18, 2007

In a Nutshell.

It is alive…ALIVE!

Many apologies for the appalling lack of posting. I have entirely lost my ability to make my boring every day life seem remotely interesting. Thoughts have been popping into my head here and there and I’ve been posting those through my Twitter feature on the right hand side of my blog.

But in a nutshell this is one of the highlights of my last week

We had another little fire incident at the apartment. Not the scale that went down last August but nevertheless a pain in my ass because each of these wee situations requires me to walk down and up many flights of stairs carrying a cat in a box. Most of the time I ignore the fire alarm as it usually is a result of construction happening on the roof. This time it all unfolded a little differently.

So I was getting into bed at about 11:30 pm and once I turned off the TV and got all snuggled in I noticed the distant sound of a smoke detector. I wasn’t sure where it was coming from as sound bounces around strangely in the ‘hood due to all the high-rise apartment buildings. So it could be coming from my building, the building across the street or the building 3 blocks away. You just never know.

So I ignored it.

20 minutes later the smoke detector was still going off. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee….

I got out of bed and stood on my balcony to see if I could see or smell anything. Or tell where this noise was coming from. No clue.

I got back into bed.

10 minutes later the noise was still going. I got out of bed and got my shoes on and went out into my hallway. Not coming from anybody on my floor. I went out to my balcony again and it was louder there. And now I can smell burning food. Hmmm. But there is a huge hotel and several restaurants nearby so I could be catching a whiff of their evening menu.

I went back into the hallway. At this time I briefly considered getting into the elevator and going to each floor to check if something was going down flame-wise. Then I thought to myself, “Why am I always the one taking care of things? If something is going wrong on another floor then it is those tenants responsibility to handle it. Butt out and let somebody else deal with it for a change.” This attitude comes from where I used to live where I was the only one who ever dealt with problems with the landlord. Everybody else just let their sinks leak and their toilets run and the basement flood.

Also if I was in the elevator when the fire alarm was pulled I’d be automatically sent to the lobby at which time I’d have to climb all those flights of stairs again to get the damned cat in her damned box only to have to go back down all those stairs again and so on and so on…

I am a lazy and bitter asshole. Whatever.

But what I did do was lay out a full set of nice clothes including shoes and put my purse by the door making sure I had my wallet and cell phone in it. I took the cat carrier out of the closet and set that up for a quick get away.

Then I went back to bed.

The smoke detector continued to eeeee in the background for another 10-15 minutes and then the fire alarm went off.

At this point it was about 12:30 am. I was pissed.

I got dressed, hauled the terrified cat out from under the bed and crammed her into the box, slipped on my shoes and coat, slung my purse over my shoulder and trudged down the stairs.

Once outside the building I was surrounded by folks wearing housecoats and slippers.

I laughed at them. In my mind. Smugly, I was standing there all dressed in matching garments and a warm jacket. I got some dirty looks. Quickly, I put on my “concerned for others’ wellbeing” face and settled myself on the nearest cement curb. I made sure the very old and frail lady next to me was ok and didn’t need her heart medication and waited for the hunky fire-guys to show up.

They showed up and checked the building. Turns out somebody burned the shit out of their hotdogs. That is the story anyway, but I suspect something else went down that somebody isn’t willing to admit to (hotdogs =bong) as I don’t get how somebody could let their smoke detector go off for an hour. You’d think they’d open a window, wave a tea towel at it and smack it with a broom handle. Like it says in the instructions, right?

Trying to be helpful I had a chat with one of the particularly cute fire guys telling him how long the alarm had been going off etc. knowing that I alone was the only one fully dressed and accessorized due to my disaster fashion planning and thereby the most attractive of all my neighbours.

He did not succumb to my charms. I chalked it up to work pressure.

I walked back up all those flights of stairs, got back into my PJs and taking off my glasses to get back into bed touched my cheek and realized the whole time I had some very greasy cold-cream smeared all over my face. Akin to the shiny effects of Vaseline applied liberally on one’s skin. Yes, that was me.

Talking to cute fire guy.

With goop on my face.

Thinking I was the shit.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday - For Your Inner Child

Tinky Winky




And The Newest Member of the Teletubbies

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Getting All Betty Crocker On Your Ass

Over the last few years I seem to be in constant conflict with the food I eat. I have a lot going against me as I am a picky eater, a vegetarian and a disinterested cook. The good news is that while fussy I still like lots of fairly adventurous flavours and I no longer get one of those looks saying, “You goddammed freakin’ hippy-dippy moron.” when I tell people I don’t eat meat. I am still usually the only vegetarian in the bunch but not quite the pariah I was 15 years ago at dinner parties.

Of course recently a whole new wrench has been thrown in the works with my cancer diagnosis. There is a lot of data out there that suggests that diet plays a huge part in disease and eating well is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Now being a veghead I’ve never eaten a lot of fast food but I have to admit I don’t have the best diet. It is fairly monotonous and pasta based. There is also a lot of cheese.

I like to take a moderate view and probably will never become vegan, dairy free, sugar free (probably a physical impossibility for me) and be able to consistently incorporate the bitchmillion amino acids, vitamins, minerals and voodoo required to be the perfect little eater. Yet I have become more conscious of the type of food I eat and how much overt crap passes my lips. For instance I have pretty much eliminated any kind of pop, diet or full sugar, from my diet. I love me a Barq’s root beer now and then but I don’t buy it regularly any more. Fake sugar scares me a little so I avoid that as well.

My other big weakness is chocolate. I’ve tried to cut that out but, frankly, along with caffeine, chocolate makes me a better person. I’ve managed to cut down a lot but it still remains a major part of my personal joy program. So you can imagine my little ears wiggled with interest when I heard about a recipe for chocolate muffins that were actually considered somewhat healthy.

I made up a batch and I’ve decided to share the recipe with you all who may be in the same predicament as me; juvenile palate, aversion to strange ingredients, and a desire to cut some of the muck from your plate while still maintaining a little culinary happiness.

I bring you…

Double Chocolate Muffins - By Mairlyn Smith and Liz Pearson – Ultimate Foods for Ultimate Health


Wet Ingredients-

1 cup pumpkin puree (This means pure pumpkin puree and not pie filling. It should be sugar free and contain only pumpkin.)
½ cup oat bran
1 cup buttermilk
1 egg (an omega 3 egg is best but not necessary)
1 cup dark brown sugar

Dry Ingredients-

1 cup whole wheat flour
¾ cup ground flaxseed (it takes a while to grind whole flax seed up in a food processor but it can be done)
½ natural cocoa powder (or reg is ok too)
2 tbsp cinnamon
1 ½ tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
¼ cup chopped dark chocolate or mini semi sweet chocolate chips


-Preheat the oven to 400 F. Line muffin pan with paper cup liners.
-In a medium bowl, beat together all the wet ingredients. Set aside.
-In a large bowl, use a fork or whisk, mix together all the dry ingredients.
-Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and mix until combined.
-Scoop into muffin cups. Bake for 20-25 minutes or until done.

Makes 12

One Muffin:
200 calories
5g total fat
1g saturated fat
0g trans fat
180mg sodium
38g CHO (whatever that is)
5g fibre
6g protein

Now as a fussy eater I can absolutely guarantee that you CANNOT taste the pumpkin in this. At all. The next time I make these I will adjust the recipe a little bit as I think that is too much cinnamon to my taste and I REALLY like cinnamon. Supposedly cinnamon has some sort of special powers so that is why there is so much in this recipe. Next time I think I’ll try about a teaspoon and see what that is like. I like these muffins as they are chocolaty enough that I get my fix but they contain such things as flax seed so I feel rather virtuous too.

Do you have a healthy recipe for a normally dirty little food vice?

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

CTD-Cyber Transmitted Disease

It all started when mrtl knitted a wig for Yoshi. Then Julie from submitted the photo to and now a nice lady made Yoshi into a LOL Cat. If you haven't visited i can has cheezburger and laughed until you squirted out a little peepee then you haven't got a soul. I've been inspired to make my own version of LOL Yoshi.

Shall I submit it?

***UPDATE!-I've decided not to submit this photo as I would lose rights to it. I've decided that I want to maintain mah rights to mah photos as I am thinking a Yoshi Costume Calendar is a distinct possibility. Oh yeah.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Monday's Dose of Brutal Karma

Yeah, Friday's crushing photo. Umm.... I have two words for you.

Bitter Irony.

I woke Thursday to a migraine headache that proceeded to get worse and worse over Friday and the weekend and even today my head throbs and tingles. Hence no cute photo of Yoshi.

God is crushing my head.

I've been cosmically busted.