Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Friday, December 28, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Trollie Goodness

Hope everybody had a great Christmas and is ready to take on 2008 and kick ass! Yoshi and I sure am.

I've been blogging for almost 3 years and until the other day have never had any significant troll action. Lo! 2007 would not be complete without breaking that little charmed era and this lovely ANONYMOUS comment showed up in my Inbox relating to a past Crush Your Cat's Head Friday post:
you are all very sick fucks, i would love to crush your fucking heads and see how you like it

Well...crack my shit up!

First of all that video was 'banned' ages ago because me lovingly poking my cat was deemed inappropriate. Let's just talk a little bit about inappropriate behavior, shall we? In the last couple weeks Yoshi has farted on me numerous times, copiously vomited on my TV remote controls, wrecked shit, deposited some seriously stinky poos, hissed at my dad, bossed me around and turned her nose up at tasty offerings.

Don't see anybody protecting me from her, do you?

Anyway, I thought about how sick a fuck I was (I cannot speak for the rest of you) and decided to re-enact the offending video and was reassured that, yes, there is no doubt that Yoshi LOVES being poked. If only I had hooked her up to a throat mike for maximum purrocity there would have been no question about who is actually the sick fuck in the equation. Clearly not me. Yoshi loves the gentle abuse. I could also hypothetically add she loves being spanked and having her fat rolls manhandled.

Admitting that will probably get me arrested...

Dude. Chillax.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Santa's Watching

BUSTED! She thinks it is helping while I know it means little white hairs all over my freshly laundered navy top.

Fleeing the scene of the laundry crime.

BUSTED! Being told off for biting. She thinks it is merely justice for making her get off my lap. I know it is spite and sheer badness from a 9 lb dictator.

Fleeing that crime too.

If she keeps this up this year Santa will put a dog in her stocking.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Can You Fear Me Now?

My mom, at the age of 74, just got her first cell phone on Monday.

Me-I guess this means you'll be calling me a million times a day.
Mom- NO! Why would I do that?
Me-Because you can.
Mom- *evil giggle*

Kalki wrote a while back about things that make her feel like an adult. I asked my mom and she said using her new phone made her feel that way. I guess this means you are never too old to feel like a grown-up.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Crush Kranki's Empty Head Tuesday + A Plug For a Cool Thing

I am thinking I should rename ‘Crush Your Cat’s Head Friday’ into ‘Crush Your Cat’s Head Whenever You Remember and Haven’t Fallen Asleep On The Couch Tuesday.’


So a few weeks ago the fabulous Leigh-Ann who runs The Blog Pound as well as Wee Paws sent me a cool little item that would make an excellent gift for the holidays. Or for anytime, really. It is called ‘Messages From Your Animal Companions’ and it is a oracle deck of cards based on getting into the complex minds of the animals you love. Basically what you do is think of a question for or ask for information about any animal you know, like your cat or your sister’s dog or even your neighbour’s python. We are not talking about the human animal types like ex-husbands or crazy first dates. You think about what you want to learn about the animal from this deck of cards and shuffle them up. You then pick a couple cards and see what they say.

The cool thing is this oracle deck is made up of cards that cover many thoughts and concerns an animal might have. There are cards for being sad, being scared, being happy, being sick and other variations. It is very well thought out and covers many scenarios.

The first time I used the deck I asked how Yoshi was feeling about the calendar and dressing up for it. The card I got was that she was feeling either under or over worked. Since I have been the one glued to my computer and running all over town as she sleeps the day away I decided to take the card as meaning she would like to do more Yoshi photo-shoots. The next question I asked was why Yoshi didn’t like Lulu my Almost Dog and the card that came up was ‘Conflict.’ Need I say more?

I then took the cards over to a friend's house (the one who adopted Lulu) and pulled some cards about her cat, Winston, the Catnip Thief. The first card that came up was ‘Ears’ and the spooky part is that his ears have been very infected over the last few days. So out of 55 cards the exact health issue bothering the cat was chosen. Cool, huh? One of the cards picked for Lulu was something about her feeling safe and cared for which made me all veklempt. And Xiola, well, her card said she liked things just the way they were which pretty much sums up Xiola; she is a happy and content doggy.

I few days later I did a little session about Yoshi and the cards didn’t make any sense at all. Perhaps my ‘vibe’ was off or I didn’t ask the right question. Or Yoshi was playing with my mind.

So, while I wouldn’t advocate using these cards to diagnose health issues instead of visiting your vet they are quite fun in a light-hearted way. Overall the results were eerily bang-on.

Leigh-Ann sells these cards to raise funds for her animal rescue. You know how I feel about getting money to the poor beasties so if you need a gift for an animal owner and lover these would make an original and interesting choice.

So thanks, Leigh-Ann, for passing this cool deck of cards my way. Perhaps, over time, I can slowly unravel the enigma that is Yoshi and finally begin to understand what makes that little cat tick.

Yoshi Being Overworked and Underpaid

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

There is so much I could post about. Usually I am frantically shuffling through my brain to try to find something glamorous or even slightly interesting in my boring day to day life to relay to you. However there has been a fairly decent amount of mildly interesting stuff going on. Not glamorous but not heinously dull either.

I could rant about the absolutely appalling customer service situation I recently found myself in but things are not quite resolved and I can feel a story of high drama possibly in the making so I’ll save that for when things pan out-either in a fizzle or in a bang. Only time will tell.

I could also tell you all about my parents celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary last Friday. It was also my mom’s birthday and my sister-in-law and I cooked a Mexican themed dinner for the family. It worked out pretty good. Since my dad is still not able to get around on his healing-but-still-not-strong broken hip we are planning a fabulous summer garden party in 2008. I can guarantee there will be some outrageous photos from that. We are doing a theme and that is all I am going to tell you about it now.

What I am going to post about today is about actually experiencing huge moment in my life that I have pictured happening over a million times in my brain but like most epic life experiences didn’t exactly turn out like I hoped. Not extra bad or extra good but just different.

At the end of October I went to see my boyfriend, Henry Rollins, at one of his spoken word performances. I don’t think I’ve missed one of these in over 10 years. I’ve been a big fan of his for a long time and I have consistently found spooky and odd little coincidences in many of his shows.

I risk sounding like a psychopathic stalker but there have been so many similarities in rant topics, words and phrases and even books read or music listened to between us it is always interesting to go to his show and see what ‘thing’ we happen to have in common this year. For instance he’ll talk about some obscure band he recently hung out with and I will have just heard that same band out of the blue the week before. Stuff like that. Stuff that ultimately means nothing but that I stubbornly and intentionally misconstrue to mean that we are wildly compatible.


Anyway, I have always wanted to meet him. I tell people I just want to shake his hand but in my sad, lonely, fantasy dreamscape what I really want to happen is to shake his hand and for him to gaze into my eyes and find me captivating, fascinating, infinitely intelligent and an all ‘round gorgeous gal (all this occurs to him in the split second our hands touch, mind you). We then fall into scintillating conversation where he finds my witty remarks and quirky outlook precious and endearing. I dazzle him with my insights and ironic life observances and we enter an exciting, fulfilling relationship where the fact he is tortured, on the road constantly, an aging rock icon and a US citizen and that I have no real job, constant panic attacks, a jiggly bum and freakishly scarred boobies only enhances our eerie sexual and intellectual connection.

TOTALLY deluded, I know but I never claimed to be logical. Or sane.

So here is what happened. In one of his newsletters or on his radio show he mentioned he would be very happy to meet with fans and sign autographs outside his tour bus at each venue. This announcement spun me into conflicting emotions-a desire to meet him and loathing the thought of anybody possibly mistaking me for a groupie. I decided to see how things looked after the show and decide then if I would be willing to debase myself to lurk around a rock-star’s bus to fulfill my dreams.

I waited outside the venue where his bus was conveniently parked with my sis-in-law for a few minutes freezing our asses off seeing if he would come out. Pretty soon a small crowd began to gather which consisted of a few very young street-punky looking teenage girls who were loudly talking about whether they would make it to the last bus running to their suburb. Then some young guys with posters, CDs and books to be signed started trickling over and my 38 year old fogey self bailed out and decided to leave. I was simply embarrassed to be there.

I walked to my parked car and found myself having to drive past the venue to get onto the main thoroughfare to get home and lo’ there he was, in the middle of a small crowd, in all his glory. AND lo’ there was a parking spot (the only one in this very busy area) which I quickly turned in to thinking, It is FATE! The universe really does work. I got out, fluffed my hair, gummed off any possible lipstick on my teeth and joined the group.

And I was obviously and very clearly the oldest one there. By a lot.

I also don’t ever think about getting an autograph so I had nothing for him to sign either.

After waiting for a few minutes I tapped him on the shoulder and stuck out my hand which he shook.

Me: Thank you for coming.
Him: Thank you for having me.

He looked at me in such a way I suddenly realized that he was possibly thinking I might be affiliated with the theatre and maybe was going to hand him a cheque or paperwork or something.

My mouth got very dry and with a grimace of excruciating shyness I blurted out something about how I enjoyed his radio show. He was very kind and talked about that for a few sentences and then somebody else tapped him on the shoulder and he turned away.

I walked to my car and drove home hardly believing it all happened.

He is much slighter than I thought he’d be. I am taller than he is. His hand was small in mine. I didn’t dazzle him. I didn’t stand out in any way. Our souls didn’t meld in a cosmic explosion of perfection. I’ll never cross his mind again.

It was still pretty cool.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Last of the November Sunshine

When I wake up in the morning it is often the result of Yoshi walking all over my head and poking me in the face. Before I even open my eyes I can guess whether the sun is shining based on the amount of attention Yoshi lavishes on me. The sunnier it is the more persistently she pokes and prods. After I give in to the pressure and get out of bed I walk over to my living room window, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, and raise the blinds. If it is bright and sunny out Yoshi will run across the room and leap onto the sill emitting this excited growling noise deep from her throat. Pure joy.

When I get up from my computer after the kettle has boiled to make my morning tea I more often than not return to find my seat taken.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Fabulous Yoshi Stuff - AKA-Pimpin' My Cat

Hey everybody! Time is running out on the Yoshi Calendars. Canada Post's suggested deadline to get items to you by Christmas is December 10th. Do you need a fun office gift? Short on stocking stuffers? How about a hostess gift when you do your Holiday Party rounds?

AND! Introducing Yoshi Christmas Cards

Monday, November 26, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Oooops!

Um...yeah...about last Friday where I totally left you hanging without the weekly crush? My brain skipped a synapses or twelve and I totally forgot. I got all ferked up with the last crush being posted on Monday and I suddenly realized this weekend that I had forgotten.


And then my grand plans once again went awry. You remember how Yoshi boogered up my wonderful idea to video her freaking out over the fabulous catnip toy Leigh-Ann sent her. And then she loved up the baggie the toy came in. Well, I went over to my friend's house to see how her cat, Winston, would react to the nip. I wanted to video his joyful plunge into a catnip buzz to end all buzzes. I hoped that I would catch his writhing and moaning self for all to see.

Except the little shit snuck into my purse and stole the toy when my back was turned.

So no, I have no actual proof but I think we can all agree that the catnip toy was a huge success.

Keep an eye out at Wee Paws for 'From the Field' catnip products.

Grand Theft Catnip

Monday, November 19, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Monday Edition

Feeling much better thanks! And to make it up to you for my lack of Friday posting I offer you a video. The lovely Leigh-Ann from The Blog Pound and Wee Paws Animal Sanctuary sent Yoshi a wonderful catnip toy for her to try out and give feedback on. Things didn't go quite as planned.

Who am I kidding? Yoshi pulls this shit all the time.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-*drool*

Postponed due to superfabulousfeeln'goodwannalaydown migraine meds. Will crush Yoshi once spinning stops.


Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Right of Passage

I was not so fondly recollecting all my past wounds and woes a while ago and suddenly came to a startling realization; I am half cursed. Not wholly, completely or utterly cursed but only demi cursed. Specifically on my right side. If something is going to go wrong with me it disproportionately happens to the right side of my body.

For instance:

-Back in my college grocery gal days I pulled my right lower back and sprained my right wrist. I also got carpal tunnel syndrome in my right wrist after a couple years. Most of this can be explained as I am right handed so that side of my body would suffer the most wear and tear.

-Same when I got attacked by the huge dog. It ripped a chunk out of my right forearm and right foot. Also logical as you’d think that is what arm and leg I’d use to protect myself first therefore being first in the line of fire. But the dog also bit my left arm and didn’t break the skin.

-Once I fell and sprained my right foot. I’ve never sprained my left foot or wrist or anything on my left side at all.

-Then about 9 years ago I noticed a lump forming under the right side of my jaw which was diagnosed as an AVM. Had that surgically removed with no problems and didn’t think much of it.

-Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. You guessed it. RIGHT BOOB!

-Recently I wrote about how I got the eyelid herp on…MY RIGHT EYE!

-Just a couple weeks ago I had to get a bone scan due to right foot pain which turns out to be arthritis. I am a little young for it but since it is on my right side I am not shocked at all.

-I nearly forgot to mention that when I get migraine headaches it is always on the right side of my head. Always.

-Then last week I got a staph infection on my thumb. Wait for it…MY RIGHT THUMB. And from that pain and stiffness has been creeping into my other fingers. Serves me right for hanging out at so many hospitals and clinics.

What the frick is this all about? Do I need to sprinkle salt on my right side? Or Holy Water, perhaps? Do I get a half price deal for a shaman to bless my right side? Do I have to do something about the left hemisphere of my brain to benefit my right bits?

Anybody got a theory?

Friday, November 09, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Evoking Mange

Normally, my evenings are spent at home, in comfy clothes, working at my computer, harassing the cat or watching sleazy TV. Well, if you know me you'll be very surprised to hear that I spent my Friday evening at a friend's book launch party. Now this is not just any ordinary friend but the fabulous lady who is helping me with my anxiety disorder.

Over the years I've seen over half a dozen different therapist type folks and although they have tried to help I cannot help but remember the puzzlement in their eyes while I described my issues and symptoms. I found Anna through the internet on a site she mediates and even though the site was based in the UK she lives in my city. I emailed her and she agreed to take me on.

I can say with complete certainty that this awesome chick gets me. Really truly gets where I am coming from. I honestly believe that she gets me like NOBODY else on this planet does. If she were a guy I'd stalk her like my boyfriend, Henry Rollins. Instead I blurt out inane things and she laughs and nods her head because somehow, someway, it makes sense to her.

I cannot explain how much this means to me.

Actually I can. Tonight I crawled off the couch and shed my manky Pjs and not only showered AND shaved my legs but I actually put on a skirt. It has been a couple years since I've worn girl clothes. AND I wriggled into a pair of tights. Now that, my friends, is HUGE. I despise pantyhose type items with a passion. It has easily been over 5 years since I've worn tights. Maybe even longer. AND, this is epic, people, I put on make up AS WELL.

Not even when I saw my boyfriend, Henry Rollins, in concert last week did I put on tights and a skirt. But I did it for Anna because she is so cool.

I so rarely go out where there might be people which may require me to engage in social chit chat. I feel completely inept and paralyzed and sick and trapped. It's that anxiety thing I was talking to you about. But I knew Anna would understand if I lost my shit and started clucking like a chicken in the middle of her party so I sucked it up and got off the couch. The whole night I wore one of those deer in headlights sort of gazes and at one point a guy approached me and asked me if I was ok and told me that I looked lonely.


Anyway, Anna has written a book and if you are at all interested in creating positive change in your life this may be what you need to read. She has helped me immensely and has been very supportive of my goals. She went with me to the hospital to calm me the hell down with my last surgery and visited me afterwards. She is never mad when I have to bail on an appointment when my agoraphobia is so bad I cannot leave my house or if I am too tired due to my insomnia. She has been a huge cheerleader of my Yoshi Calendar.

So I want to share the love with y'all and link you to Anna's 'Evoking Change' Blog as well as to where you can buy her book.

And how does this affect Yoshi? Well, when the mamma is happy, the kitty is happy. So Yoshi endorses Anna's book too.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Extra Soft Crush

Thank you all for your wonderful comments about Yoshi's new 2008 calendar. I really want it to do well so I'll be pimping it in the upcoming weeks. So here it is AGAIN!-visit for your Yoshi calendar. Sign-up for the newsletter to be notified of upcoming news and information.

Here is Miss Yoshi relaxing on her cozy new blanket specially picked out to disguise all her shedded fur left behind after long and vigorous naps. The texture of the fabric is delightfully described as Micro-Mink. All I've got to say is that those eeensy teensy little minks sure are soft.

Stereo Crushing. Self crush on her tail accompanied by an old school 'Kids in the Hall' crush from me.

Monday, October 29, 2007

The Yoshi Calendar is HERE!

This is the reason I've been so busy lately. I think you'll like it.

The website is up and running and the calendars are ready to be shipped. Please check it out and help support the SPCA.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Pushing the Envelope

First of all my deepest apologies for neglecting you and your blogs. I have a lot on my plate right now and I am, frankly, not managing my time very well. Lack of practice doing all these new and confusing jobs. I've got business stuff going on and my dad's business stuff to help with along with my already copious doctor and hospital appointments to attend. Then I got this bitchin' cold which turned me into a whiny girlie girl. My energy is toast, my mood is grumpy, and I have so much to tell you but too little time and, well, ooomph to do it.

Anyway, that is why I've been such a blogging turd.

Enough about me and let's get on with the damned cat, shall we?

Today was a lovely sunny day and Yoshi was up where the sun was shining its brightest. That would be on my desk where SHE IS NOT ALLOWED! I was completely and thoroughly ignored and finally gave up shoving her butt off as I know warm sunny days will be few and far between over winter. Besides, she deserves it.

Mocking my stern demands to, "GET DOWN!"

Outright ignoring me. Notice the defiant posture.

Perhaps the printer was ever toastier.

Groaning under her weight.

Settling in for the long haul.

Clearly, I'm not going to get any work done.

Nope. None at all.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Retro Yoshi

Yoshi at about 6 months. Before years of hard living and a bad catnip addiction changed her sunny disposition into a dark and bitter fugue.

Look out for Yoshi's calendar launch next week! I'll keep you posted.**

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Monday, October 15, 2007

An Update and a Physical Anomaly

My dad came home today from the hospital and is carefully lurching around on his own with his giant crutches. I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this but my dad is 6’5” and my mom is 5’3”. His crutches are literally almost as tall as she is.

Anyway, I got to hand over his briefcase and cell phone and he resumed his role as boss man of his business. Instead of his executive chair he is ruling the roost from the couch. I have taken a secondary role as his legs for the next month or so until he can get around on his own again.

Thanks so much for all your kind comments.

So while I cannot say I am stress free I am not at def-con 5 at this time.

In other news:

Presently I am going through an invisible stage in my life. Periodically I seriously wonder if people cannot see me because my days revolve around dodging vehicles and pedestrians who fling themselves in front of my car. I obsessively check to see if my headlights are burnt out because I just cannot believe how often I get cut off and swerved into. People fly out from dark alleys and from between cars while I slam on my brakes stopping only millimeters from their bodies. Trying to get service is next to impossible as sales clerks and wait staff walk by me like I don’t exist. People don’t return my calls or email. I could probably walk around naked and not get a second look. During these odd times I endeavor to go about my life as safely and self sufficiently as possible until my personal molecules coagulate back into a visible entity and I can get around again as a fully visible member of society.

Anybody else ever have this problem?

Thursday, October 11, 2007


Quite the day yesterday. Here is what happened.

  1. Photographed the Yoshi calendar on Tuesday. Wasn’t happy with a lot of the first shots so I stayed up all night worrying and got up uber early yesterday and re-shot the whole thing again. Yoshi was not amused but did just fine and was a little furry trooper.
  2. So while busy returning the camera gear and putting together all the appropriate images for my graphic designer friend I get a phone call… My dad is in the hospital emergency room. He fell while changing a light-bulb.
  3. I run to the hospital and there he is all sad on a gurney. He has broken his hip. Fuck. I hang out there for a few hours.
  4. Start making all the appropriate calls. My mom is on Vancouver Island on a mini holiday helping a friend and I can’t get in touch with her. Rally my bro and sis-in-law to “Man The Bedside” while I do some business stuff for my dad and deal with his car, his cell phone and his clients. Dad is feeling ok with just a couple Tylenol 3’s under his belt. All the nurses love him already.
  5. Run to my parent’s apartment to get some stuff for him, make more calls, and email another client.
  6. Go through a couple hundred photos and burn a disc to take to my graphic designer friend.
  7. Return to the hospital with magazines, chocolate and books and hang out to 11 pm. Totally forget to eat all day. My thighs will thank me later.

So poor dad is going to have surgery today to replace part of his hip joint. The docs say despite his age (the nurses keep on betting each other to guess his correct age without looking at the chart. Nobody can believe he is 77. Most guess in the early 60’s range.) his bones are strong and his health is great so he’ll heal up fine and be out of the hospital early next week. He is in good spirits and pissed off and bored already. My mom should be home today in the late afternoon.

So between hospital visits, running my dad’s business and doing the Yoshi calendar I’m going to be scarce around these parts. I’ll update when I can.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Gobble Gobble Gobble

I have been a very bad blogger and not posted for ages. This is for a very good reason. I’ve been working my fingies to the bone on tiny cat costumes for your near future viewing pleasure. The calendar is very close to completion. Tomorrow is the fashion shoot and I’ve started buttering Yoshi up with snuggles and compliments. So please, please, please pray for feline stable mental health and a total lack of divahood.

There may be a vK1 Behind the Meowing documentary at the end of this as well.

Today is Canadian Thanksgiving and last night my brother, sister-in-law and I went to my folks’ house for a delicious dinner. Today was spent running some errands at a north shore mall. The young lady who helped me when I returned a sweater asked me how my Thanksgiving was going. I told her about my family dinner and asked her how her Thanksgiving had been but I wasn’t really sure if she celebrated the holiday as it was obvious she was Muslim since she was wearing a head-scarf. She told me that they don’t observe Thanksgiving Day as they gave thanks everyday.

How cool is that? I mean isn’t that what we should all be doing? Really taking stock every single day of what we should be thankful for and acknowledging it and celebrating? I suggest we all get off our apathetic asses and live more consciously and positively on a daily basis and not just think about these important parts of our lives only on special occasions. So let’s think about eschewing Thanksgiving all together and adopting this new outlook.

But then she was also still fasting for Ramadan and couldn’t partake in all the yummy parts of the season.

I guess that would be the not so cool part.

Never mind.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Priorities

It appears that comfort is secondary when warm and toasty toesies can be achieved.

Extreme Crush Close-up

Monday, September 24, 2007

A Karmic "Kick Me" Sign

I must have been real real bad in a previous life because the nasty stuff keeps coming my way.

So as you read in my last post the nasty peeper wanted to be my Facebook friend. I emailed him telling his that he was a “disgusting pervert peeping tom” and that under no circumstances would I ever want to be his friend-even through Facebook. I told him never to contact me again and I then blocked him.

It just wouldn’t have worked to accept his friendship request and then call him out that way as he could delete very easily anything I said about him.

I also don’t want to engage him in any way.

I’m working my ass off on the upcoming Yoshi Calendar and things are going slower than I hoped. I will start two months earlier next year. And to add to that time crunch starting Friday workmen will be coming into my little apartment to scrape the ceiling, patch the cracks and then re-texture. Did I mention my dining room table, set up with sewing machine and glue gun, is about 4 feet from where the work will be done? Crap! I have nowhere else to work while they are doing this so I will have to work around them somehow.

And then to add insult AND injury to this I had a wonderful little appointment with my doctor today. Thursday night my right eye felt sore and I noticed a bug bite sort of thing right near the corner of my eye. I put antibiotic ointment…

**MRTL Style Tangent-I love the word ointment. It is such a great combination of sounds. Say it to yourself a few times. Try some different accents. See what I mean? End of MTL Style Tangent**

..on it but it wasn’t getting any better. So off to the doc I went today and he took one look at it and told me what was wrong.

Eyelid herpes.

Yes, I have a cold sore on my eyelid.


Frantically, I told my doc that I practiced safe eye-socket sex (I put my whole head in a baggie for that) and he assured me that it is merely something I picked up from life. So every public door I opened, bank machine I used, grocery cart I pushed, second hand store I rummaged through (for props for the calendar), elevator button I touched, and piece of money I handled over the last few days flashed before my eyes and I got a little queasy. Then he told me I might have been infected years ago and only now having an outbreak.

I knew I was a germ-a-phobe for a reason, washing my hands several times a day and using that antibiotic stuff too. For NOTHING!!!! Dammit!

I have to be careful the infection doesn’t actually spread to my eyeball because that would be bad. *Big Sigh* Seriously, what did I do in a previous life to deserve this? I was probably one of those guys who didn’t wash their hands after peeing and then handled food or something. Or brought small pox to the natives.

At least it wasn't cancer.

I feel like a Petri dish. Please still be my friend.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Dreary Day

There are no more sunshiny spots because of the rain and mom is busy and not paying attention to me and I am sad and cold and neeeeeedy. No amount of meowing around the house is changing anything.

Somebody is gonna pay...

Monday, September 17, 2007

Twisty and Kranki Do Vancouver

A few exciting firsts occurred on Sunday which made for a very special day.

First of all I met my very first fellow blogger for reals. I connected with Twisted Uterus who is in town for a vet conference. It was a fantastic surreal experience and very cool to meet her in person. She is a bubbly and enthusiastic lady and we hit it off right away chatting up a storm that didn’t abate the whole day.

I met her in her hotel lobby at 11 am and she graced me with a wonderful TU original pottery piece which I was honoured to receive. We walked through downtown to the beach where we hopped on a water ferry to Granville Island to do some mooching around.

Cherished Giftie

It was quite crowded but very festive with all the colourful produce and other goodies. Twisty took photo after photo which turned out beautifully (check out her Flickr set and you’ll see for yourself) and we checked out the other buildings which house local artists and crafts people. We tried on funky glasses (who wouldn’t allow us to take photos) (we both found frames we liked but didn’t buy. Hers=$375 and mine were $457!) and hats and browsed handmade paper and fabrics. We then checked out the local art college which I attended several years ago. We looked at tonnes of pottery and even a groovy glass studio. I had a nice chat with a young lady whose father has a hand-made shoe studio. I used to work at a shoe store where he made all the prototypes so I was familiar with his work. We gossiped about the olden days. Well what she knew of them as she was only 3 years old at the time the olden days were happening. I saw a dream pair of clogs which are made specially to your foot measurements for only $475. Clearly, I gotta get on winning that lottery.

Checking out the weird ass tomatoes.

The Cookie Hunter

Urban Hippy Political Correctness

Waiting for the yacht valet to bring 'round our ocean chariot.

TU and I decided that instead of eating out we would get some yummy stuff for dinner at the market and eat at my place. I had some homemade tomato pasta sauce in my fridge (thankyoujesus!) so TU got the yummy fresh pasta and prawns and I got the salad stuff and cheese. We split dessert with cookies and cinnamon bun bread.

The old house where I used to live is right by the water ferry so on the way back we stopped by for a quick visit to meet up with my human friends and Lulu, Xiola and Winston The Cat. Twisty got a poochy fix and had a cuddle with Lulu who showed us all that once again she is a super sweet dog. She and Xiola showed off by playing and wrestling complete with scary fake growling and tug-o-war.

Some rainy day Lulu Lovin'.

Covered in dog hair we checked out a very cool social housing project featuring restored Victorian houses complete with running brook and goldfish pond. Next door is the Dr. Peter Aids Centre and Hospice which prompted a lively discussion about healthcare and how important it is.

I got to scope out her hotel room which was very shmancy. While there I checked out some of her photos as well. She has a gorgeous coffee-table book/album made up with her work which totally inspired me. We also talked about dating/guys and are on the same page on that. Picky, picky, picky…

Finally we made it to my place and just in the nick of time as we were both starving and pooped out from all the walking. We cooked up a delicious dinner and scarfed it all down leaving nothing on our plates. This is where the second first-of-the-day came into play. I’ve lived at my place for 15 months and this was the first time I’ve used one of my rear burners on my stove thus illustrating to TU (and now you) that I am not much of a dinner party thrower and normally lead a Kraft Dinner sort of existence.

Yoshi surprised me by being rather friendly and show-offy right away. She tried to mooch food from Twisty and was quite bad in cute ways zooming around and playing with her playzen tuben. She was so social that TU did a risky thing and tried to pick her up. Yoshi let her do it (the third first-of-the-day) but then the vibe changed and the typical Yoshi bitchiness reared its ugly head. Of course we laughed all the harder for her attitude and picked on her even more.

That cat is about as cuddly as a cactus on fire.

Perhaps some hissing for you this evening?

Asshole Cat Extreme Close-up

I drove her back to her hotel about 10 pm after a really fantastic day. I feel like I’ve made a real friend and I hope I will get to hang out with her again. TU is a talented and fun chick. I had the best time and I hope she had fun too. Thanks for the great day, Twisty!

Friday, September 14, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-The Way It Is

In my last post’s comments section a few of you hoped that it might be possible to permanently integrate Lulu into The Kranki Krash Pad since Yoshi was much better with this visit.

Believe me, I was watching for all the signs this might happen.

Sadly, I know that Yoshi and Lulu are better off where they are right now. Lulu is far more confident and outgoing with her sister dog, Xiola. On her own she is nervous and prone to separation anxiety and follows me everywhere. She whimpers at the door when I am in the bathroom, for poop’s sake. She also seems upset and a little afraid by Yoshi’s hissing and spitting. I am sure this is something I could work on over time but she is so obviously happier with another dog to give her comfort and companionship.

Yoshi, while much better, was clearly out of sorts during Lulu’s visit. I know I could very easily dog-sit Lulu for short term periods but anything more permanent would be difficult. It doesn’t help I live in a small apartment and there is little room for ‘personal pet space’.

Yoshi is normally a very playful, active, talkative, and cuddly cat. While Lulu was here she didn’t play, run around, purr, or do most of her normal behaviors. She basically just kept to herself in my bedroom. So while not traumatized she was certainly not herself. In fact I missed her terribly and was very happy to see her greet me at the door when I came home from dropping Lulu off. She seemed to know the dog was gone for good and not just out for walkies. Immediately, she started zooming around the house and playing with all her toys like she usually does. Best of all she purred and cuddled with me like crazy.

I have come to realize that Yoshi is very dog-like in her devotion to me. She demands a lot of attention and interaction. I am lucky to have her in my life and she is enough for me. I am happy to be a doting doggy aunty in my spare time but over all I am a one cat woman.

Hanging Out in the Playzen Tuben

***I wanted to give y'all a heads up. I am presently doing all the demonic crafty work necessary to put out a 2008 Yoshi Calendar featuring 13 all-new costumes within a common theme. It's a surprise until I officially unveil the web-site. Let me know in the comment section or via email (crankypantsATshawDOTca) if you like this idea. There are also plans for other coolio merchandise. So think about getting some Yoshi Lovin' for Christmas gifties or for your own Krash Pad. I am working with Lulu's mom (a graphic designer) on giving you a lot of bang for your buck. Also a portion of profits will go to a pet related charity! STAY TUNED!***

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Well, peace is restored to the Kranki Krash Pad as Lulu went home last night. I had every plan to video Yoshi moaning and groaning every time the dog came into her field of vision but within a day or so things settled down and that behavior stopped for the most part. Or at least wasn’t prolonged enough to catch on camera. By no means was a truce called but an uneasy tolerance was achieved and outbursts of serious drama were sporadic at best.

Yoshi ate fairly normally once I put her food in my bedroom which was a strict ‘No Dog Zone’ and when Lulu was crated at night Yoshi did some reconnaissance of the apartment including dropping some bombs and burying some mines in the litter box. There was also some serious feline gloating from my bed which made Lulu whimper. For the most part the cat stayed exclusively in my bedroom occasionally vying for sunshine spots when the temptation became too great.

Now she is back to playing and shedding fur over every available surface like nothing happened.

She purred like crazy this morning but her motor was rusty from disuse so it came out with squeaks and phlegmy rattles. I asked her if she needed to go to the shop for an oil change but things lubed up over a few minutes and she was running smoothly soon enough.

I had a great time with Lulu including some fabulous nature walks in the local park. These are places I don’t normally go on my own so it was nice to see these open spaces. I learned a lot about human nature as well when one time it became obvious that a man walking directly behind me on a nature path was clearly making arrangements with a call girl/escort on his cell phone.

Yes, I can hear you now.

The Beach Bum Theory - getting along because the sun has turned off their brains.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-The Wrath, Oh The Wrath

So a few of you have asked me what is wrong with Yoshi due to my Yoshi Barf Watch updates on Twitter.

Lulu my Almost Dog is staying over until next Tuesday. Her momma and pappy are in Winnipeg and her sister dog Xiola is at her Grandma’s house. Lulu doesn’t like Grandma’s lab puppy so she is hanging out with me.

As usual Yoshi is pitching a fit. I will be videoing her operatic discontent for your viewing pleasure next week. If she wasn’t so miserable it would be funny.

Who am I kidding? It is funny.

When I brought Lulu home that first time Yoshi stopped eating and started puking in protest. Hence Barf Watch and Hunger Strike news.

This is how things stand now:

Yoshi ate fairly normally on Thursday, the first day Lulu arrived. By evening her Hunger Strike was in full force. However no hurling.

Today I took Lulu out of the house for 7 hours hoping Yoshi would eat and chill the fuck out. No such luck. When I got home I tempted her with tuna which she got very excited about and gobbled down. So much so that she immediately puked it up. She ate some more and that seems to be staying down. For now…

Off white carpet-0

Lulu will be here until Tuesday night. Let’s hope Yoshi can cope until then without popping a neck vein. I’ve fattened her up over the last couple weeks so she has calories to spare right now. But will it be enough…

Just now Yoshi walked within about 6 inches of Lulu and hissed and spit right in her face. Lulu ran to me for protection. I praised them both.

Don’t judge me!

This may or may not be a brand new teddy squeaky toy bought to compensate for all the hating aimed in her direction...

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Uptight Dork Seeks Same

Good news! I got the Flickr/Yahoo! thing all figured out. They actually have an email form you can fill out for help and they actually answer your email. Unlike some other entity I know *coughBloggercough*. They will even answer your email again when their first emailed suggestions don’t work. So long story short they automatically flipped my Flickr account into a Yahoo! account using my Flickr identity (not my email) matched with my Flickr password. I didn’t know this and when I went to sign into Flickr it linked directly to Yahoo! log-in which is already set up with my original Yahoo! account information. So now I have two Yahoo! accounts: my original one and the one they made out of my Flickr account. Hence the issue with log-in. Now that I know about this second account I have access.

So yeaaaaay!

And what the fuck where they thinking?

So I was in the car today with my mom and we were talking about people and how often just a few wreck it for the majority. We hear this a lot from my dad who is a property manager and looks after several buildings in the downtown area. Most have on-site managers but a couple small ones don’t so he gets to deal with issues first hand. With all the crazy stuff my poor dad has to handle with tenants it is a miracle he hasn’t lost his mind. I know I’d freak out.

And the weird thing is that so many of these people don’t even think about how their so-called little lapses accumulate and add up to some serious hassle.

So after gossiping about various people we have heard about who live their lives selfishly thereby negatively affecting others I came to this conclusion,

“There are people who notice stuff and people who just don’t.”

I happen to be one of those people who notice stuff. Unfortunately I notice stuff in such minute detail it is actually a huge pain in the ass. Cleaning my apartment is often hell. I start on the big stuff and then get lost in the tiny stuff. I hate fingerprints and notice them on my desk top, cabinets, and glass. Don’t even talk to me about smears. Stains freak me out. It is not so much that I am a neat freak because I am actually not. It is just small imperfections are incredibly obvious to me.

Chips in the paintwork, spotted chrome, crooked pictures, dead leaves on plants….

I don’t know why.

For instance every time I wash my floors I wash the outside of my front door too. I polish the door knob and knocker and wipe off all the scuff marks on the base of the door from the toes of my shoe. You know those black marks from when you use your foot to push the door open if your hands are full?

But every day when I walk down the hallway of my building to get to my apartment I notice all the dirty scuffed marked and fingerprinty doors of my neighbours and wonder how they do not notice the dirt and clean their doors.

I then have to remind myself that most people just don’t notice this stuff. They are not bad or nasty. They just don’t see.

But what pisses me off is when some asshole spills half their latte down the wall of the elevator and doesn’t clean it up. Or lets their dog poop in the lobby. Or leaves dirty panties behind in the laundry room. How can you not notice that stuff?!?! Is it that they don’t notice or don’t care?

Sadly, us folks who notice stuff always appear like uptight bitchy dorks to those who don’t notice.

But even though I can get driven to distraction by these details they can also delight me in strange ways.

I recently bought some fabric to make pillows exactly because if you look reeeaaaallly close at the pattern it is filled with all sorts of weird and wacky shit. To just glance at it you would think it was some sort of childish fabric.

Oh no! No, no, no, no no….

"Hey Fluffy Bunny! I'm Timmy Raccoon. Can I play with you and your scythe?"

"OK! While I build a boat you dig a mean a cool hole!"

"Haha! See ya, Timbo! Hope you like swimming without a life-vest!"
"Why I LOVE swimming Fluffy Bunny! Wait for me!"

"Oh Hey! Feel like a campfire?
"Why yes, Fluffy Bunny, I do although my blue vest is knitted from nice cooling asbestos."

But Mister Bunny was bored of Timmy Raccoon and wanted to go home for a snack.

Bye bye, Timmy Raccoon.

The End.

Friday, August 31, 2007

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-MY HEAD is in Jeopardy Today

I’ve never claimed to be a patient person but right at this moment I am losing my fucking mind. So much so that Yoshi is in danger of a head crushing for reals. After my own head explodes.

Ok, here is the thing.

I went to sign-in to my Flickr account today and was immediately diverted to a Yahoo sign-in page. Ok, whatever. I know all about how these sites buy each other out so I did what they told me and signed into my Yahoo! account. It then took me to a page where it asked if I wanted to start up a new Flickr account or associate my old one with my Yahoo! account. Well, obviously, yes, I would very much like to merge the two accounts opposed to starting up a new one. So it asked me to provide my Flickr account ID and password to do that.

This is where it gets very ugly.

I have all my log-ins and passwords saved per Windows XP’s auto-prompt security feature so I haven’t actually had to physically type in my Flickr info since I started the account a few years ago. But for some reason when prompted this time to log into Flickr my computer didn’t automatically fill in my info. I had to do it manually.

No biggie because to keep things simple I use the same email address and password for pretty much everything frivolous like this. I know this is supposedly dangerous but I figure if anybody wants to hack into my Flickr account and mess with my Yoshi costume pics they can do it. It would probably crack me up more than annoy me.

So I entered my info and Flickr told me that it was wrong.

This is slightly possible as it has been a couple years since I had to type in this info myself and I might have done something different password-wise that long ago in a fit of originality. Yet I am about 95% sure I’ve got the right password. Sadly I am just not very original that often.

Well, it gives you the option to click on that dreaded “Lost Your Password?” link where you have to answer a bitch million questions to retrieve your info. So I did that and it gave me my info. Except it is the ID and password to my Yahoo! account and not my Flickr one.


I tried it anyway to see if they had automatically merged my two accounts together and they now both had the same password but they don’t. It doesn’t work. I still get prompted to enter my original Flickr password etc. WHICH ALSO DOES NOT WORK!!! Because it is apparently wrooooooooonnnnggggg!

I have now entered a cyclic hell of internet password angst. I cannot access my Flickr page anymore and I cannot seem to find the right path to get that crucial info retrieved.

Can somebody heeeeeeellpp meeeee and get my frickin’ blood pressure down? I’ll bake you cookies!

Yoshi's New Favourite Sleeping Position:

Hiding Head From Potential Crushing

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Who Needs Fiction When You Have This Kind of Life.

Things have been very busy around the Kranki Krash Pad. I’ve done things, seen things and traveled to far away places this week. Get all cozy under your covers and I’ll tell you a bedtime story or several.

I consider myself a very mild mannered person. I don’t yell, I don’t hit and I certainly don’t freak the fuck out. If I find myself in a bad situation I try to rise above it all and emerge unscathed and well established on the higher road. Until last week.

So I was in this suburban mall parking lot.

I know! Most of you are all, “Yeah! I know where this is going!” and you are probably right. I had backed out of my parking spot and was just cranking the wheel over to go forward and out of the lot when this woman in a van pulls up to my front bumper. Reeeeaaaaally close. I drive a full sized early 90’s 4-door Jetta so this isn’t some tiny car that zips around tight spaces. I need a little room to move. So there I am backed up so my rear bumper is right up to a parked car behind me and I need that room in front to turn my car so I can go forward and straighten out to drive out etc… But right up to my front bumper is this van. And she continues to let her van roll even closer to me so I am basically trapped. She immediately starts cussing me out and waving her hands around. I reply with an incredulous look combined with the showing palms gesture of exasperation. She then starts to REALLY spaz out and scream at me. Clearly I cannot got very far because at this point she is about 6 inches from my front bumper. I just don’t understand why she cannot see she has gotten us into this predicament and needs to back up herself to give me some turning room. And it was not like I backed out right in front of her as I was totally clear to back up and she was actually stopped farther down the row with her turn signal on to go into a different spot. I guess she changed her mind and would have had plenty of time to see me pull out before approaching.

So I get stubborn and just sit there for a few seconds with my arms crossed.

The woman is literally shaking her head around and yelling, “GO! GO! GO!”

Sadly I cannot because she is blocking meeeeeeeee.

Then I just snapped and for the very first time in my very vanilla life I retaliated. I looked her square in the eye and mouthed very clearly, “FUCK YOU BITCH!” And the funniest part was she looked at me like I was the potty mouth evil hag after she had been cussing me out the whole time already. I guess I must have looked livid.

When I told this story to a friend she couldn’t believe I had done it. This is very unlike me.

I then cranked the wheel over and inched back and forth within the foot of space I had to maneuver and finally was able to get around her. I laughed the whole time and I know she could see that too.

I have to admit it felt really good to do that. My inner ‘feist’ is coming out in surprising ways.

Then on Friday I dog-sat my two girls, Xiola and Lulu for the whole day. I took them to the dog beach where they can run around off leash and play with loads of other dogs and jump in the ocean if they want. We came back to my place and I gave them both a bath and then we went for another walk to the park where I planned to brush them thereby giving all the wee birdies and animals clumps of fur to add to their nests and totally keeping my apartment a fur free zone. I sat on the grass and not long after this woman just walked up to me with her two Chihuahuas and sat right down next to me.

Oh! OK!

So we started talking and it became evident that she might be a little mentally disabled which explained her lack of personal space boundaries with complete strangers. We had a nice chat and I brushed her dogs too (all 5 lbs of them) in the sunshine. It was obvious she very much loved her dogs and when I asked questions she almost entirely answered me as if the dogs were speaking themselves.

Me: So what are your dogs’ names?

Lady: (baby voice) My name is Romeo and even though I am very little I think I am very big and I get into fights with large dogs and bark a lot to show them I mean business.

Me: Oh…um…what is your other dog’s name?

Lady: (higher pitched baby voice) My name is Juliette and I am the boss. Romeo thinks he is the boss but I let him think that way but I am really the boss and I sit in my mommy’s lap and never ever ever ever let her get up.

Me: Hehe… um…Well, Romeo and Juliette, you are both very cute.

Lady: (singsong voice) We knooooooowwww!

It was while sitting with Romeo and Juliette’s mom that I saw something I have never seen before and I hope I never see again. This woman and her small son were walking along a nearby path and she was shouting at him about something. The kid, I think about 5 years old, wasn’t saying anything or whining that I could hear but this woman going on and on about how he was not listening and bugging her and such. When they got about 30 feet from me she stopped and her voice got louder and louder and she suddenly spit on her child. Yes. SPIT ON HER OWN SMALL CHILD. It was all I could do not to say something but I had a large dog with me and I wasn’t sure how Xiola would react if this lady freaked out on me and did something stupid. She seemed really nuts. Poor little kid is going to be Hannibal Lecter when he grows up.

Then yesterday my mom and I ventured into the deepest and darkest of suburbs to visit the Holy Grail of shopping destinations. Yes, we FINALLY have gotten an H & M clothing store. I have seen them in other cities for years and years and I just couldn’t figure out why Vancouver didn’t have one yet. We have all the big designer stores and other big names but no H & M. Well we have one now in a nearby town and a downtown Vancouver one will be opening up in Spring 2008.

Sadly I cannot rave too much about it as the store was so packed with back to school teenagers and moms with kids and strollers you literally couldn’t move. There was a huge line-up to try stuff on and everything was so picked over. I’ll go back once school starts and let you know how fabulous it is.

And an update- Yoshi is now talking to me again as I bought her a nice big playzen tuben that she LOVES! I am the cool food lady now (with a 5 foot cat tunnel in the middle of her living room) and all is well.