I had my first totally nausea free day yesterday and it was wonderful. I ate tonnes of yummy food and felt great. Yippee! Today my mom is coming over and planting flowers in my window boxes. Then we are going for a little walk.
I was laying in bed this morning and a memory came back to me that I haven’t thought of in a while. I am going to write about it so maybe I won’t think about it again for a long time. I also know that by writing about this memory I may incur the displeasure of my parents as they factor into this memory quite a bit. You see it isn’t a pleasant memory and when I think of it I get very angry.
When I was growing up as a teenager I lived at home along with my younger brother. He lived in the basement while I had a room upstairs. There was a bathroom downstairs that we all used to shower in. I guess it wasn’t very respectful of my brother’s privacy to use his shower all the time but the bathroom upstairs was often in use and the shower wasn’t very good. So we would go downstairs and walk through my brother’s room and use the shower on a daily basis. It had one of those pocket doors that would slide into the wall when it was open. Sometimes after I would have a shower and emerge to find the pocket door, that didn’t have a lock, was open an inch or so. I would think that maybe I didn’t shut it properly or somehow with vibrations of people going up and down the stairs it would slide open on its own. Although there was no lock on the door we always knew when it was in use as the light switches were outside in the hall and the door would be closed. If nobody was in it the door would be open and the lights would be off. Easy. We knew what the score was and nobody got walked in on as far as I know. Years literally went by and one day I was in the shower. What was different was this time I was wearing my contact lenses. Normally I wouldn’t and therefore be totally blind. I looked up over the glass door of the shower and noticed the door was open a good foot. Suddenly all those years of finding the door cracked open became clear. Somebody was spying on me in the shower. I yelled and the voice I heard was of my brother’s good friend and he said, “Sorry! I thought I left my wallet in the bathroom.” I knew this was bullshit and freaked out. I was furious. That fucker had been spying on me showering for ages. I felt so stupid that it hadn’t occurred to me until that day. But often when I would shower I wouldn’t know that he was over, as he and my brother would be working on their cars in the yard. It just never occurred to me. I stormed upstairs and had a good cry. I felt really violated. When I told my brother he just looked devastated. I feel for him now, as I would have felt terrible if the roles had been reversed. That night I told my mom and dad about what had happened. I totally expected my dad to be furious and kick his ass. He wasn’t. He told me that I was being overly dramatic and boys would be boys. He said that my brother’s friend didn’t get to see very much as the glass of the shower was textured and that it was no big deal. I got even more furious and said what if he had spied on mom. Then my dad did get angry. Only about the potential that this had happened to my mom. But he never talked to this kid about what he had done and I had to face this guy in the house several times after that. He acted like nothing had happened and I felt like he thought that he had gotten away with it. I got no apology and no acknowledgement about what happened. I was really upset. I totally felt like nobody cared about what had happened and me. Nobody cared that my privacy had been violated in a major way. I knew that this wasn’t ok but nobody seemed too concerned. I have to say that since then I have explained to my parents how much this upset me and they have apologised and admitted that they didn’t handle it very well. But I still get angry about it. I still feel bad about it. Maybe I shouldn’t but I do. This guy’s name comes up in conversation at family dinners every once in a while and I just want to shout, “YEAH!! THE ASSHOLE WHO SPIED ON ME FOR YEARS WHEN I SHOWERED!” But I just sit there and feel uncomfortable instead. I don’t know why this still bothers me after over 15 years has gone by but it does.