Just woke up from a lovely nap. The cat woke me many times early this morning with her Yowlin’ At The Ghosties routine so I was pretty pooped.
I was thinking while lying in bed that I haven’t really blogged about my cancer lately. Well, except to bitch and moan about my chemo side effects. The fact is that I am still trying to figure out the whens and whys of my cancer in my mind. It is still very difficult for me to accept this situation.
Right off the bat it was difficult for me to even understand that I had cancer because all the tests I had came out negative until the very last one. I have written the whole story on how I was diagnosed so you know that all indicators showed that there was no cancer. Then to find out that it had spread to my lymph nodes after once again all indicators pointed to a small localized area is very difficult to reconcile. Frankly I keep wondering if they have made a mistake. I know chances are they haven’t but I shake my head over it on a regular basis. How did the ultrasound not pick up the 1.6 cm tumour in my underarm? They said they saw a cyst there but tumours don’t look like cysts. The surgeon said in her notes that she felt this tumour but she never told me she felt anything. After my surgery this same surgeon told me that my lymph nodes looked fine to her. Wouldn’t you think she would have seen that tumour then? It just doesn’t add up. My cancer is not supposed to be aggressive so how come one day there was no lump and then the next there was? If this cancer took about 6-8 years to form wouldn’t you think I would have noticed such a tumour in my very small, less than A cup breast before it had spread to 9 lymph nodes? I just don’t get it. I don’t UNDERSTAND! How did this get so far without me noticing it? How did this happen to me?
I don’t understand how I can have cancer and feel fine. I keep on thinking that I should be feeling something beyond the lump. How did I get cancer at 35 years old? I am vegetarian. I don’t abuse my body. I don’t deserve this. I am a good person.
And that is the worst part. I know that people don’t deserve their cancer and that very nice people who have never hurt anybody in their lives get cancer every day. I know that the world does not work like that but I keep on thinking that I don’t DESERVE to have this. I didn’t do anything wrong. My family didn’t do anything wrong. I keep on having to remember that so called divine justice doesn’t go out and only afflict those who have done wrong with just punishment. It just doesn’t work that way. So then I wonder if I was nasty in another life and this is karma. But then that makes me sad that I would get punished in this life for something I did in another. It doesn’t seem fair either. And then I tell myself that the world is just not fair and that is the way it is. Little kids get cancer and they are innocent. They don’t deserve it either. I am vainly trying to reconcile something that can never be reconciled.
I have said it before and I will say it again but cancer, and car accidents and death and horrible things that happen every day to people –you never think it is going to happen to you. This is the sort of stuff that happens to others. Although I know that when I go to the cancer clinic I am surrounded by people who have cancer, I have never felt so alone in my life. I have never felt so afraid either. Talk about life challenges. I HATE uncertainty. I hate not being in control. Well I have got to get over that. I have to find a way to make that way of existing OK in my mind because I will have this lurking in the background forever. I have been changed. I hate that I will never be the same again.