Just woke up from a lovely nap. The cat woke me many times early this morning with her Yowlin’ At The Ghosties routine so I was pretty pooped.
I was thinking while lying in bed that I haven’t really blogged about my cancer lately. Well, except to bitch and moan about my chemo side effects. The fact is that I am still trying to figure out the whens and whys of my cancer in my mind. It is still very difficult for me to accept this situation.
Right off the bat it was difficult for me to even understand that I had cancer because all the tests I had came out negative until the very last one. I have written the whole story on how I was diagnosed so you know that all indicators showed that there was no cancer. Then to find out that it had spread to my lymph nodes after once again all indicators pointed to a small localized area is very difficult to reconcile. Frankly I keep wondering if they have made a mistake. I know chances are they haven’t but I shake my head over it on a regular basis. How did the ultrasound not pick up the 1.6 cm tumour in my underarm? They said they saw a cyst there but tumours don’t look like cysts. The surgeon said in her notes that she felt this tumour but she never told me she felt anything. After my surgery this same surgeon told me that my lymph nodes looked fine to her. Wouldn’t you think she would have seen that tumour then? It just doesn’t add up. My cancer is not supposed to be aggressive so how come one day there was no lump and then the next there was? If this cancer took about 6-8 years to form wouldn’t you think I would have noticed such a tumour in my very small, less than A cup breast before it had spread to 9 lymph nodes? I just don’t get it. I don’t UNDERSTAND! How did this get so far without me noticing it? How did this happen to me?
I don’t understand how I can have cancer and feel fine. I keep on thinking that I should be feeling something beyond the lump. How did I get cancer at 35 years old? I am vegetarian. I don’t abuse my body. I don’t deserve this. I am a good person.
And that is the worst part. I know that people don’t deserve their cancer and that very nice people who have never hurt anybody in their lives get cancer every day. I know that the world does not work like that but I keep on thinking that I don’t DESERVE to have this. I didn’t do anything wrong. My family didn’t do anything wrong. I keep on having to remember that so called divine justice doesn’t go out and only afflict those who have done wrong with just punishment. It just doesn’t work that way. So then I wonder if I was nasty in another life and this is karma. But then that makes me sad that I would get punished in this life for something I did in another. It doesn’t seem fair either. And then I tell myself that the world is just not fair and that is the way it is. Little kids get cancer and they are innocent. They don’t deserve it either. I am vainly trying to reconcile something that can never be reconciled.
I have said it before and I will say it again but cancer, and car accidents and death and horrible things that happen every day to people –you never think it is going to happen to you. This is the sort of stuff that happens to others. Although I know that when I go to the cancer clinic I am surrounded by people who have cancer, I have never felt so alone in my life. I have never felt so afraid either. Talk about life challenges. I HATE uncertainty. I hate not being in control. Well I have got to get over that. I have to find a way to make that way of existing OK in my mind because I will have this lurking in the background forever. I have been changed. I hate that I will never be the same again.
7 comments:
Being in control, it's an illusion. The cancer just makes you realize that. And coming to terms with that is difficult.
After my initial diagnosis, I remember seeing Baywatch or some other equally inane, boob-bouncing show on TV. I hated those women. I cried, not because they had boobs and I didn't, but because I just wanted to be NORMAL.
I'm sorry you're feeling alone. Know that there are lots of us out here thinking of you and sending good vibes your way. Hopefully that helps in some small way.
I've never had cancer, but my husband did. So I can't say that I know how you feel, but I can say that his cancer taught me a whole lot and has made a me a better person. I don't take life for granted anymore...I don't sweat the small stuff anymore...and I don't act like such a spoiled brat anymore. Anyway, he used to ask me the same questions, "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" Of course, he never found the answer to that question...instead he decided to look life straight in the eye and live each day to the fullest. And even on his worst days...the days when he was too weak from all of the throwing up, the days when he couldn't pick himself up to go to the bathroom, he would still manage to smile and make me laugh.
Good luck. I'll be thinking of you and keeping up with you as I continue to read your blog.
Sharkey-I am really wrasling with the control issues. Holy Cosmic Joke! The Universe has really found a doozy for me to work through this time. Disease is the ultimate loss of control. I hope I am able to eliminate all Control Freakiness from my mental make up. What a lesson. And I know what you mean - Oh to be NORMAL again...
Merry Widow-I am sorry you lost somebody that you loved. I wish nobody had to deal with that. I am trying to learn everything I can from this very important lesson. I hope I GET IT ALL!
Spoonie-Thanks for the sweet compliments. I don't always feel so strong but getting through the day is what matters. It doesn't have to be pretty. Sometimes trying to get something positve from it is all I can do. Can't wait for the package to arrive. Any day now. You are too kind.
mrtl-Hugs are greatly appreciated. Thanks so much. You don't have to say anything. It is enough that I get to vent and that somebody actually listens.
When I think of you feeling alone and frightened, I have a picture in my heart of you and I and all the people who come to your site, or otherwise care about and love you, standing on a hill, holding hands, shoulder to shoulder, facing the warm rising sun. Close your eyes and see it with me and perhaps it will help.
Love you.
Mou, I know you feel alone but please know that there lots of us out here that love and care about you.
I know how hard these things are to come to terms with, I have wrestled with the 'why me's' in terms of disese on and off all my life and after 30 something years I have yet to get the answers so maybe there aren't any in this life but perhaps we will know them in the next.
You are strong (I know you well, and I know you are!) and you will get through this. I think sometimes we aren't meant to have control but have to go with the flow be it good or bad.
Big hugs and positive cosmic vibes to you mou!!
Oh, Stacey. You know I haven't been through this. I've been through other stuff that I became convinced were my "lessons" on letting go of the illusion of control. I am hard-headed and it took a lot to learn that. And I still need remedial lessons from time to time, apparently.
"I HATE uncertainty. I hate not being in control. Well I have got to get over that. I have to find a way to make that way of existing OK in my mind because I will have this lurking in the background forever. I have been changed." I could have written that. Like spoonie says, we have to embrace that change and not hate it. Ride it where it takes us, not struggling against it, but trusting that it will eventually take us to a good place. Oh, God. That is so hard to do. But I know that you can. I KNOW it. I send you love and a spirit of peace and confidence.
LBo-that is such a fabu vision. I will absolutely try that.
Tinakimou-go with the flow. I will say that to myself too. that is a good mantra.
Susie-I know you know how hard this is. I fight it every day. But I will get this lesson because I have to. MUST.....STOP.....BANGING.....HEAD!
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