Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Monday, May 09, 2005

Porta Potty Installation

Another day, another hospital procedure. I had to get a porta-cath installed this morning. This little gizmo allows the mean nursey people to take blood and fill me up with poison without wrecking my veins. What I didn’t’ really understand was this porta-cath is actually a large lumpy thing, about the size of a large coat button, that is EMBEDDED UNDER MY SKIN ON MY CHEST. Just before sunny camisole weather no less. I am sad. I am also almost The Bionic Woman. But my veins will thank me.

They lay you down on a gurney, pump you full of happy potion (I totally opted for this bit) and inject your neck and chest with local anaesthetic. Then the cut ya open, cauterize any little bleeders, jam this lumpy thing under your chest skin and insert a big tube into a large vein. You get stitched up and sent on your way. Can I just say that smelling your own flesh burn is not something I would recommend? Even on an empty stomach.

The whole thing took about 30 minutes and I was walking out about 15 minutes after that. I am pretty sore now and my head is being pulled to the right at the muscles contract with discomfort and the bandages pull and bind. Need me some more painkillers, I think.

Several people have assured me that this is a good thing to get and I will not regret it. The jury is still out and I will let you know. In the meantime I eat home made chocolate chip cookies. I got a prescription for them.

11 comments:

Susie said...

Does it really show with summery things? Damn. I want to say how brave you are; and I know how freakin' stupid that sounds, because you wouldn't wildly wave your arm in the air if they asked for volunteers for this medical crap. But still, you do it bravely and with good humor. You have such class, Miss Krankipants. You might wanna double up on those cookies.

Random and Odd said...

*gentle hug*

I hope you're feeling better soon!!

Squirl said...

Make sure you have an unlimited prescription for those cookies! Here's to many summers ahead with those camisoles. ((hugs))

whfropera said...

my 4-year old niece had to get one of those, and she used to walk around saying - "this is where they fill me up, except i don't go to the gas station".
hoping you're doing better, and BTW, I looked at your wishlist - we have a copy of that William Shatner album at the radio station - only one song on it is any good, and thats because Rollins is on it. do you still want it?

Sharkey said...

Mmmmm . . . cookies and painkillers. And if you eat enough cookies, your arms get to the point where you wouldn't want to be seen in a camisole anyway. See? It all works out in the end.

Von Krankipantzen said...

Susie-you know it is probably one of those situations where I feel like I am deformed and in actuality nobody would even notice. I'll have to see when the bandages come off. I have no idea what it looks like.

Kristine-thank you for the gentle hugs. Gentle being the operative word for sure.

squirl-those cookies were so good. My mom is a great cook. They were gourmet chocolate chip with a bit of coconut in them. Chewy! Serious YUM!

whfropera-the HR song is the only one I know on the Shatner album. Is there just a single? I don't want anybody to buy me it if it is no good. I would love a burned bootleg of the one song though. Maybe we could do a CD exchange. I have a good 80's compilation. Or a 'Rock Out' CD. Let me know. You little niece sounds very cute. The whole drawing of blood and getting of meds is very much like a trip to the gas station. Now I feel like an even bigger wussy since this is really hurting me right now and a little kid has it all together and figured out.

Sharkey-sadly my arms are already at that state even before the cookie healing. I have no business wearing skimpy shit. This just knocks some sense into me and saves everybody's eyes this summer.

L.Bo said...

You can eat cookies? Would you be up for a cupcake? The girls want to send you cupcakes.

I hope the porta-cath is worth it. The installation sounds rather gruesome. What kind of School of Making People Better did these folk graduate from?

I'd go for the industrial strength pain killers if I were you!

Candace said...

Porta-cath reminds me of porta-potty. I know, I know. Sorry.

Hope you're feeling better, and make them pump some morphine into that thing for you!

:-)

JessicaRabbit said...

I would totally send you some more homemade cookies to help you out, or brownies, talk to Kristine, I do good work in that area. You let me know lady cause I would be so on it!

Dang Cold.. said...

Man I could go for a hit of Keebler right now myself. Feel better darlin' and chew slowly.

dc

The Merry Widow said...

My husband had a porta-cath...no one ever noticed it, I promise.

I hope you feel better soon! Take care.