Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Kranki "Fall In The Crack" Pantzen

I had a nice long phone chat with Tinarina today who called me from London. We have been friends since kindergarten. Over 31 years. She was telling me that they had some guy come into the office today to do gait analysis in the company gym. She knows she favours her right leg a bit. However, her fiancĂ© is now teasing her since the guy made it sound like she flails around taking out unsuspecting passer-by with her uncontrolled leg. We started talking about old injuries and over the years she and I have suffered a series of mishaps that have had a bizarre continuity to them. Tinarina is known as “Pull My Groin” and I am “Fall In The Crack.”

I can’t even tell you how many times I have fallen into some crevasse in my life. If there is a crack I will insert my foot into it and go over. It is some kind of karma. Tinarina, on the other hand, has pulled her groin so many times she practically has an arthritic crotch. I think she can sneeze now and go into muscle spasms.

One memorable incident took place in Victoria. Tinarina and I had parked the car on the street on the way to meet some friends. I had a little convertible at the time and I decided that with the abundance of seagulls it would probably be a good idea to put the top up. I was on one side of the car and Tinarina was on the other and as she tells the story I was there one minute and the next minute I was gone. She looked up and I had vanished. Totally puzzled she walked around the rear of the car to find me writhing around on the sidewalk in total pain but still laughing my ass off and crying at the same time. I had fallen in the crack. I tripped on a protruding piece of metal in the pavement and fell into the gap between my car and curb totally spraining my ankle. On the way down my lips met the rear fender and made a strange squeaking sound. I swear. I licked my car by accident.

Today she told me a story about how she slipped on some ice back in high school and went down into the splits. Her brother tried to get her up but she was down for the count. She was sent home in a cab.


At no time was either of us drunk.

14 comments:

Candace said...

So funny, but at the same time, so sad! You poor accident prone girls!

spoonleg said...

FALL IN THE CRACK! BWAHAHAHA! Kranki, I hate to tell you, but the gap between YOUR CAR AND THE CURB is more than a mere CRACK. That is an ENORMOUS FUCKING CREVASSE easily navigable by a freaking airbus. But you, YOU, fell into it. That's my girl.

I am also accident prone and very, very graceless. I don't need a crevasse; I trip over MYSELF.

p-daddy said...

Ohmigod! You completely slayed me with the Halloween recap...I had forgotten about the van, the whipping and the freaky old lady man. That we are still alive is a testament to our sheer luck. The fact that we have survived Fluevog's, crack everywhere in every shape and form and have managed to survive living on the planet's largest INDIAN BURIAL GrOUND is astounding!!! Love ya!

snaps79 said...

Just stay in the house. Forever. There are too many cracks in the world for you to fall into, and I don't want to have to worry that the reason you aren't posting is because you're yelling, "Help! I've fallen, and I can't get up!" from some crack. Crack KILLS.

L.Bo said...

Uh, just say no to cracks?

mrtl said...

So is Tinarina like from the Ministry of Funny Walks?

fueltank said...

So they're called 'muscle spasms' now, are they? Okaaaayy...

I never really thought of you as acident prone; I spent more time being mocked by the nurse at VCC than you ever did.

Seriously. I was always cutting my finger with my jeweller's saw. For those of you who have never had one of these fiendish devices, let me tell you they are deadly. Very thin blades, very small teeth and razor sharp. Fragile doesn't even begin to describe the damn things. So they break often and the sawframe slams forward with a stub of deadly sticking down. Invariably I would drive this saw blade into my finger.

Think about a fish hook, and what keeps them from pulling out. Well, the saw blade is just like that but with many, many barbs and they grab on the way in.

And then the blade snaps flush with your skin, making it really difficult to extract.

I have scars on my left index finger that make a subway map of New York look straightforward. And every time I would head up to the first aid office POSITIVELY DRIPPING BLOOD the nurse would mock me and tell me to stop whining!

I was in love with her, the cranky old bitch with her eastern european accent and her way of turning my hand so that the wrist was snapped into position like a military boot camp parade.

Stiff Little Fingers Suspect Device

whfropera said...

i'm still trying to figure out what "gait analysis" is...it definitely sounds like a Monty Python skity to go along with the Ministry of Funny Walks.

Noticed you put Skinny Puppy in the radio blog - I have a great SP story if you want to hear it.

LadyBug said...

I'm quite certain this is the first time I've read the sentence "I licked my car by accident" on a blog. Teehee.

Von Krankipantzen said...

misfit-we are certainly a pair when we are together. Fortunately we both also find it amusing.

spoonie-we must absolutely get together and then hang out in an emergency room one day.

p-daddy-that is called trauma. The brain blocks out disturbing memories and that night was definitely disturbing.

HDL-that sounds like a good plan. Now this is what I need from the store....

lbo-I am a crack ho.

mrtl-tht is exactly how her fiance is mocking her but I assure you, she is significantly more subtle.

fuel-I may be accidnet prone but I am also very careful. You saw with an exuberance not yet equalled. Plus you obviously had an alterior motive-the nursey crush. I had no idea. A lot of things are falling into place now. Um hhhhhmmmmm...

wfropera-you TOTALLY have to tell me the story!!! Emaill me if you must. Or share it here. Must hear it though.

ladybug-I have to admit that it is a first time for me too.

Squirl said...

I licked my car by accident is the line that finally got me to laugh out loud at this one.

I'm sorry you've hurt yourself, but I'm in the klutz club myself. I just manage to bump into things and catch my little toe on legs of furniture as I go by. I think that, perhaps, if I were drinking I would have better luck. Being sober is when I'm at my klutziest. Is that word?

Von Krankipantzen said...

squirl- who sneaked in there. ;-)
I am the same way, totlly graceful with a couple drinks under my belt. Anything over that then I am worse. If klutziest is not a word I am hereby making it one now!

Cherie said...

I think I need me one of them gait analysis thingys... I am one of those people who rams her pinky toe into a chair halfway across the room. It must be my kinship in clumsiness that made your "crack and the groin" story so funny to me. I already had tears in my eyes from laughing when I got to the part about the squeaking sound of your lips on the car.. that generated a snort. Thanks for brightening my day. BTW I love the Donnas!

Von Krankipantzen said...

cheri-I am glad you thoght this was funny. Sounds like we are the same. Just falling down everywhere we go. Isn't it fun?