Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Thursday, February 23, 2006

A Formal Apology and Reasonable Explanation For My Mental Decline

Thank you so much for all you support and kind comments on my last post of angst. Sorry I have not yet got to responding to them all as it has been a long and hard week for me. I had four doctors’ appointments in three days and these things always freak me out a little. The one that was really causing me a great deal of anxiety was getting my expanders filled with more saline. Somehow, someway the size of the already large needles became immense in my mind. Coupled with some scary dreams as well as some looong nights of insomnia the whole process took on a hellish life of its own in my mind. Once I was there I was just fine (with a little help from my friend Ativan) and the needles were not THAT big and it didn’t hurt so I think I can safely put that demon to rest.

I have also just started taking a medication called Tamoxifen. This eliminates the estrogen from my body which is necessary since my cancer was estrogen receptor positive. That means my own estrogen hormones helped the cancer to grow. I found out a nice little fact today from my doctor about Tamoxifen. It can make me very moody while my body gets used to it. WELL NO BLOODY WONDER I HAVE BEEN SO FUCKING INSANE ALL WEEK!! I have been emotional, impatient, crabby, sad and exhausted.

All righty then…

My hoots are taking on a life of their own. Through a shirt they already look like normal happy little breasts but to feel them (stand in line, stand in line) they are rock hard. Imagine sleeping while wearing a bra filled with two baseballs. Reeeeeally comfy. But I am not going to bitch any more since I am happy to just have a rack again. Or as I like to call them, a frontal presence.

So please hang in there while my body adjusts to my medication and I get my funny back.

22 comments:

eclectic said...

With your funny, without your funny... either way it's always good to spend time here with you. Hormones rule the world -- sorry they're taking you prisoner for a time, but knowing why might make it a little easier to be patient with yourself. And you're still cracking me up with the bra and baseballs analogy... blove you, Kranki!

True_Halcyon said...

You and your perky baseball-ish frontal presence take all the time you need... can't wait to see what this Friday will bring!

alan said...

I can't imagine keeping my sense of humor through all of this!

I wish they'd have said that about the side effects before you started taking the Tamoxifen instead of later...duh!

The biggest syringes and needles I ever saw were the morning of my 18th birthday, standing in the "clap line" on shipboard as we left the Philippines; there were two, one for each cheek...(blush).

Looking forward to tomorrow; I hope Yoshi is too!

:o)

alan

Susie said...

Your funny never went away :) Insomnia makes everyone just not themselves. I haven't seen mydamnself in AGES. I am so in line to feel your frontal presence. Love you MUCH.

sheryl said...

Woman, try not to worry about entertaining us. We know you got lots of healing and growing goin on in there :)

A very good friend of mine had reconstructive surgery after a similar illness to yours, and she used to say during this stage that she came from the School of Hard Knockers.

Candace said...

Question: Will the estrogen you're getting rid of be replaced by synthetic estrogen? Or will you be estrogen-free for the rest of your life now?

I'm learning SO much from you, Krankster!! I'm glad the needles weren't *too* big...I'm a big chicken head about needles, so I totally feel your angst about that one!

Word verification: sbslutpd. See it??!! SLUT! In my wv!

kalki said...

"Frontal presence" - hee! If you ask me, you never lost your funny. (But, of course, you should never feel pressured to "perform" here - this is your space. Do what you want.)

Thanks for the update. Also, there's some Henry Rollins coming your way via Amazon, so be lookin' for him...

hemlock said...

Ow ow ow. A bra filled with two baseballs?? That doesn't sound fun.

Happy to hear the needles were smaller in real life.

Dima said...

Frontal presence baby. FRONTAL PRESENCE! That is all!
You have a new pick up line. You ask a guy, "so, you like baseball? How about two baseballs? You're in for a treat mister!"
Oh, and I'm sorry about your insomnia. It's really really annoying. But you are still funny and wonderful!

angela marie said...

I love that 'frontal presence'! I'm hoping that each day brings a bigger smile to your face. Whether you want to be or not, you are an inspiration to those who follow.

Precisiongirl said...

I'm not accepting your apology, as it is sooooooo not needed.

Glad to hear about your new found knockers.

Keep your chin up chick!!

LadyBug said...

"frontal presence" cracked me right up.

Love and hugs to you, dear Kranki.

Divine Calm said...

I don't care if your chest bruises me, I'm giving you a hug!

Karen said...

Oh man. Estrogen withdrawal symptoms. Ick!

By the way, even without your funny, you're funny, so I don't know what you're talking about.

Hope you're feeling back to normal soon.

lawbrat said...

I'm in line! :-)

You dont need to apologize for anything at all. Its been a very rough year and its going to take time to get back to 'yourself'. Dont worry about not being funny, because you ARE.

Someone that is not funny isnt going to say get in line to feel my frontal presence!!

Hugs to you!

Sharkey said...

"Stand in line, stand in line." That sentence cracked me up! See? You haven't lost your funny.

If your body doesn't adjust to the Tamoxifen, you might want to look into Arimidex. Email me if you want more info--I've been taking it for four years.

Udge said...

"normal happy little breasts"

What a charming description! I'd definitely stand in line for that.

Squirl said...

Stand in line for the frontal presence. You are crackin' me up. No funny missing around here. I'd come back anyway, even if it were. Take care of yourself.

whfropera said...

all hail boobages!!

Closet Metro said...

"a bra filled with two baseballs" ?!?!?

Gentlemen... play ball!

Traci said...

First a bra filled with baseballs reminds me of a funny card I've seen and given a few times. It has Maxine on the front and says "If life gives you lemons..." and you open the card to read "Stick 'em in your bra! Can't hurt. Might help!" ROFL Ok, I know, it doesn't take much to get me giggling. Then I get to the "frontal presence" line and am thinking "Well alrighty then, my cleavage has just gotten a new name!" I like it much better than boobs, hooters, knockers, headlights and a hundred other names for them I can think of! LOL Thanks for the giggle and I'll like you with or without hormones sweetie! Don't worry about anyone else...take care of yourself first and foremost. Got it?

SassyFemme said...

The "baseball" thing sounds painful. :(