Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Monday, February 13, 2006

Valentine's Shmalentine's

Well, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and for me just another one as a single gal to add to an embarrassingly long list of the same. I am lucky in that I have a great dad who is my Valentine as well as a couple honorary boyfriends (the fabulous gay men in my life) who make me feel pretty fantastic on the regular. I also have an unusual interspecies-ish platonic lesbian relationship with my cat to celebrate. So it is not a total waste of a day. However, I wouldn’t mind a simple diamond now and then to feel like Numero Uno as well as the opportunity to put on some silky lingerie to make that man in my life feel special. Or sick to his stomach. Whatever.

I figure you can be sick and bitter about your single status or choose to celebrate the little things that the single life has to offer. Here is a small list of activities you can do to bathe in your single status glory-

1. Sleep right in the middle of your bed. Eschew “sides” and what they represent. That big boy is all yours for the night so reap the space benefits.

2. Drink the milk/juice/soft drink right out of the container. Eat out of the containers too. Double dip. Back wash. It is all about you, baby.

3. Fart out loud and don’t apologise. I am not going to admit to this as I don’t want to be single forever.

4. Take a long shower and use up all the hot water.

5. Leave the cap off the toothpaste, leave the toilet seat up and leave hairs on the soap. If you are single you probably do this already. But really relish it tomorrow. If you are hooked up and do this then you are sure to be single by next Valentine’s Day.

6. Watch all the TV shows you like and listen to all the CDs you like. Hog the remote. You don’t have to compromise. When you are with a special someone you will miss the little things like these. Like dancing to Britney Spears in the nude, for instance.

7. Order in a pizza just the way you like it. Enjoy the fact that you don’t have to spend 20 minutes picking the green peppers off.

8. Scratch whenever you want WHERE EVER you want.

9. Put a chocolate éclair in the fridge before you go to work and be smug all day in the knowledge that it will still be there for you when you get home. This is not for those who have room-mates as we all know they will fuck you over that way.

10. Be selfish in bed.

So what do you have planned?


alan said...

Married thirty years, and working opposite shifts makes it a bit hard, as the only time I will see her tomorrow is when she's asleep, and vice versa. Tonight when I come home I will make a pan of brownies in a heart shaped pan I bought last year (tried a toll pan cookie last year, too much mix, big mess!) and leave them for when she wakes up. We agreed not to do cards this year and to save the money for a movie next weekend (last time we agreed to something like this was a Christmas several years ago, and she bought me gifts anyway; not sure I trust her).

You have such a wonderful sense of humor and are so full of life, I can't imagine you not having someone to share the day with; perhaps he just hasn't turned the right corner yet!

Happy Valentine's Day!


Sherri said...

Being as V-day happens right after my birthday, I get to reap double benefits. The Husband arranged for one of our favorite lunch places to creat a fancy-schmancy take out dinner for us, and then we are going to a choral concert which should be all good and cultural. Otherwise, I plan to grab each cat in my house and rub its belly, despite the pretend protests (cats in my house are SO abused).

Divine Calm said...

BWAHAHAHA!!! I'm canoodling with my puppies.

Sharkey said...

Great list, Kranki. And a great outlook to have for the holiday.

J.P. and I have no plans, except maybe to go to the gym. Doesn't that sound romantic?

kalki said...

Love it, love it, love it!! This list, that is. Valentine's Day, on the other hand, is a crock of shit. Although I do feel it might be an occasion worthy of a mid-week Yoshi head crush. ("interspecies-ish platonic lesbian relationship" CRACKED ME UP!)

abcd said...

I love your list. Especially the
pizza. I am a pizza pig. I get
my own pizza because I hate what
Sam likes.

Valentine/ss day is a Hallmark Holiday. I don't want any gifts, not do I expect a gift. We say NO to Valentine's Day in my house.

Ya better love me 364 days of the year.

Now my kids, well guess what?
They get candy and a card.


Oh this list is so very good.

mrtl said...

You and ScottyGee need to get together. ;)

kassi said...

you ARE a diamond :)

Precisiongirl said...

Happy Shamlentines Day Kranki!

As I am working all week (it's half term here which is a week off for school kids which equals me running round like a mad woman at the restaurant - apparently everyone has to go there and eat in half term!), I am pretty pooped each evening. Jode is cooking me dinner I think and then we will snuggle as per usual.

We're not really big with the Valentine's Day thing to be honest - 'tis too commercial and smulchy.

I think Valentine's Day is nice when it's your first one with a new boyfriend/girlfriend/lesbian Cat - but after that it all gets a bit tired.

Ern said...

"unusual interspecies-ish platonic lesbian relationship with my cat" = the best phrase I've read all week. (I saw that Kalki commented on it too, but I had already copied it so I went ahead with my planned comment.)

Also, I have a Valentine, but he never gave me a diamond. Should I feel ripped off? Am I Numero Dos, or (gasp!) Numero TRES? The horror!

spoonleg said...

Funny you say that... JUST YESTERDAY I said to myself, you know what? I'm not going to sleep on the left side of the bed anymore. I'M SLEEPING RIGHT IN THE DAMN MIDDLE.

And it was awesome.

Happy VD, Krank!

Momentarily_Distracted said...

Sounds like fun to me!
I like sleeping in the middle of my bed. I also like drinking milk out of the jug, too, but that's if there's not enough left for cereal in my cheap plastic bowl. ;o)

Squirl said...

Back when Ichabod was on third shift and I was on first I slept diagonally in the bed. I bought him a card this year that said something along the line of Love means never having to say you're sorry for a loud fart. We fart with impunity around here.

Have a great day.

MrsDoF said...

If I ever find myself single again, I'm gonna spring for a twin bed. Putting the freshly laundered sheets back on the queen size is too doggone much work. Especially as heavy as that tempurpedic mattress is.
Um, lessee, Tuesday 14 Feb has me doing my journal entries and 4 problems (with diagrams) for Math class, a two page research paper on 'using shaving cream for an art project' for the Active Child class, and mail off nephew's birthday present.
DoF will probably work another 12 hour day and come home tired, surf his favorite blogs for an hour, then shower and go to bed. Same as today.
As a computer support technician, he doesn't get a break for Show your Love day.
Our usual date is Friday afternoon when he knocks off at 3:30 and we go sit and have lattes at the little hole in the wall shoppe across campus.

hemlock said...

Love your list Kranki!

Never liked Valentine's day myself. The extent of our 'special night' is to buy a pound of shrimp, cook it up in butter and curry...and watch some Olympics.

I've never liked the idea of a "love" holiday because, what about every other day? Are you redeemed for being an asshole if you do something nice on Valentine's day?? I think not.

P.S. I loved drinking out of the carton/bottle when I lived on my own for a bit about two years ago. LOVED IT!

snaps79 said...

I do all of those things EVERY FREAKIN' DAY. Oh, except for the pizza and the donut thing. Happy Black Tuesday.

song said...

giggle. I so hear you
-4. Take a long shower and use up all the hot water. ooooh yeah!

me and my friend are buying each other valentines gifts, sending ecards and flowers and taking each other out to dinner. It's sad that the best valentines day i'll have ever had is with a girl.

maybe I should just turn gay.

Twisteduterus said...

to add to the list...the Ben and Jerrys can be eaten from the handy single serving container.

i will be nesting with my dogs

Susie said...

I do most of these things anyway. 'Scuse me, I'm gonna go hold a mirror in front of Jif's nose, JUST to make sure...

Closet Metro said...

Be selfish in bed? Huh? But...


It's all about you, babe!

Jim said...

Same here, sister. It's going to be me, Jerry Springer and a package of Oreo double-stuffs.

happyandblue2 said...

I was planning to cry me a river, tee,hee but after reading your list I came to my senses..

Dima said...

For some reason, I always sleep on the same side of bed, even though I have a queen size bed. But I do enjoy everything else you enumerated! Don't forget not having to share sushi with anyone :)

Anonymous said...

I miss singleness for alot of the reasons you wrote here. My husband doesn't understand that at all. Whatever.

LadyBug said...

You are so damned cute. And funny. And I would totally send you "a simple diamond" if I could.

Happy Valentine's Day, Kranki. I smooch you.

P.S. "interspecies-ish platonic lesbian relationship with my cat" cracked me right up. Hee.

east village idiot said...

I couldn't stop smirking when I read this post. It sounds like a description of my sixteen year old marriage!

Be my valentine Kranki!

love, Easty

ScottyGee said...

Who are you calling gay? Metro and I are men in your life and we are totally straight. So straight that we'll jump your bones right now if you want proof. Heheheee.

Mrtl - Don't encourage her. It can only lead to disappointment and a lot of Happy Meals.

Loved the list. Drinking right out of the carton is my signature move.

Nessa said...

I'm pimping Spoonie out (hopefully) and leaving hubby at home with the kids - pretty romantic, huh?

Amanda B. said...

Happy VD Kranki!

Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Well, now that you've brought on the lesbian connotations with Yoshi, I'm intrigued to see how you will be crushing her head in the future.

abcd said...

Happy Valentines Day Kranki

PS I will be doing zilch.

happyandblue2 said...

Happy Valentines Day..

whfropera said...

i can't add much more here, but I am eating chocolate ice cream and playing video games.
Blove you

Heidi said...

Add me to the green pepper picker offer..( say that 10 times..)

Loved the list..Made me LOL.

Happy VD~

Bill said...

I never thought of my cat as gay, but he does like to lick my ear. What's up with that? I think some head crushing is in order!

When I was in grad school and living in my own apartment I would make Jell-O chocolate pudding and pour it into four separate cups. 'Cause that's the way it was done when I was a kid at home. Sometimes I'd eat all four in the course of a night. EVENTUALLY, I figured out that I could just leave it in the mixing bowl because the only people in the room were me, myself and I! Best roommates I ever had.

Lifecruiser said...

Hm.. Sorry to disappoint (?) you there, but we can still do all this even if we're married!

Any other suggestions....?

Anonymous said...

You ROCK! : )