Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

ONE MORE SLEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!

Well, tomorrow is the big move and I’ll be packing up the computer in a couple hours. Wish me luck and I’ll be lurking around in a couple days. I’ll even post some photos of the new place if I can.


Can find where I packed the camera, I mean.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Flooding the Market

3 more sleeps until the move!

When I was packing up the contents of my bookshelves I found a baggie of peanuts I had tucked away there for when Buddy the Nut Slut comes to visit. I call all squirrels Buddy the Nut Slut. It is just easier. I get squirrels at my window and in the past have fed them peanuts. I was a total sucker. Then the little bastards started coming right in and raiding my fruit bowl. Seriously! Yoshi just sat there and watched them do it too. And then they started eating my flowers and then the actual wooden window boxes. So I stopped feeding them because they were abusing the system. You feed one squirrel and then the next thing you know its whole posse is shaking you down every day.

Instead of throwing out the nuts I had a soft moment and put them all on my fire escape. About 4 handfuls. I swear those peanuts where gone in a matter of minutes. There must have been a stake-out or something. Gone! Whoosh!

A couple days later I was talking to my next door neighbour about the flowers coming up in the front yard and she said, “The squirrels are sure busy. I have been finding peanuts EVERYWHERE buried in the yard and in the flower pots. Millions of them.”

Hee hee hee hee hee!!!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The Long and Winding Road to My Blog

Of all the Google-isms I’ve loved before….

*Queen of Farts

*Nice Sexy Breast

*My Sexy Neighbour

*Farting When You Sleep

*Von Bitch Shirts

*Touching Your Girlfriend’s Boobs

*Gorgeous Women With Big Noses

*Film Sexy Women Sexy Sex

*Where Are All The Posts Of The Women Gene Simmons Slept With

*Poop Freak

*Yoshi Stinky Toes

*Why Do Bats Smell So Much?

*Fart Puddy Recipe

*Constipated Yorkie

*Sore Mouth Spider Back Molar

*Removing Fleas In Suitcase

*Garburetor Odour


Yep. These lovely search phrases are what bring folks to my site. I am so proud. *wipes tear from eye*

Which one is your fave?

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Happy Daddy-O Day


Happy Father’s Day to my dad who got diddly squat from me this year due to The Ick I have been suffering from over the last few weeks. My dad is the sweetest guy I know and dropped by to my place with ginger ale, noodles, water and bananas for my sick tummy today instead of me gifting him with steaks, booze and porn. I told him I’d have to catch him later giftie-wise once I was feeling better and he said that me getting better would be gift enough.

I’m working on it, Dad! Hugs and kisses to you.

Friday, June 16, 2006

When Insanity Pays

Well, I thought I was feeling better but it was only wishful thinking on my part. This week has been my sickest one yet and I was feeling pretty gruesome. You see, I was caught in a strange stomach cycle. Not a bizarre love triangle like I always wanted to be part of in the 80’s but a tummy twister of sorts. One of those things where your stomach feels bad so you don’t eat and it gets irritated, then you try to eat and it fights back and gets even more irritated. You are screwed if you do and even more if you don’t. As a result I felt sick all the time, couldn’t eat or keep much down and slowly started getting VERY dehydrated. I finally dragged my liquid free ass into the doc on Wednesday and he freaked. I am the proud owner of very nice strong new meds and am feeling a bit better. I can get fluids down (and keep them down) and am starting to look a little human again.

By the sheer luck that I am deep down crazy I managed to stay out of the hospital because my doctor knew my anxiety disorder would go through the roof if he sent me to the Emergency Room. I was pale, dizzy, weak, 11 lbs lighter and possibly going into kidney failure. But I got my warning. Insanity aside if I did not improve in 24 hours it was to the hospital I go.

Don’t worry. I improved. I have been drinking my little heart out. So that is why you have not really seen me lurking about too much lately. No head crushing today either. The cat officially has more body strength than I do right now.

I should be back to my old self by next week. In the mean time I snooze, and sleep and slumber because the drugs tell me to.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Nice People Who Kill

I hate moving. I hate everything to do with moving. AND I hate dealing with the general public. Sometimes I fear that if I could arrange it I would never leave my apartment.

Case in point:

Because my new bedroom is a different configuration I have decided to sell my antique dresser I have had for over 10 years. I don’t think it will fit well. It is a beautiful oak item but it really no longer reflects my taste in d├ęcor anymore so off it goes.

So I listed it on Craigslist at a very reasonable price and immediately got lots of interest. First day I got about 8 emails demanding my address immediately as they HAD to have this dresser. What I did was arrange a viewing hour with the first person to put the cold hard cash in my hand taking it. I gave everybody my address and sat back expecting a bidding war resulting in an IKEA Orgy for me at a later date.

One person showed up.

They were not sure about the colour and said they would call me and let me know either way. No call yesterday but at least they emailed me the day after.

Today I woke up to about 16 emails with everybody clamoring again that they HAD to have this dresser. The Holy Grail of bedroom furniture for some. I made arrangements with about a dozen of them and set up another viewing tonight on a first come first served basis.

NOT A SINGLE PERSON SHOWED UP!!!!

If I didn’t need the money for a new dresser I would haul that fucker onto the front lawn, attack it with an ax, douse it with lighter fluid and spark it up while dancing around it naked like a fricking PIXIE.

Future Campfire

Friday, June 09, 2006

Slowly Crawling Back From The Barbie Sized Stomach

Um, hi.

I know it has been a while but, MAN, I am sick. Tried to go to the doc but couldn’t make it because of the puking so we had a telephone appointment instead. So here is the scoop. I got some sort of stomach flu or infection that started a long downward spiral of irritation, pain and nausea. Gastroenteritis. My stomach is so ulcerated and irritated it is making my diaphragm irritated too. Do you know what that means? Hiccups half a dozen times a day.

The plan is that I have to take these 2 medications and so far they have brought things down to a dull roar. I am still super weak and dizzy since I have basically not eaten for 2 weeks. Tiny sips of water is what I can manage right now. Nausea is always lurking around to jump out screaming at any time with any provocation. My doc encouraged me to try a little food last night so I had 3 sips of broth and 3 saltine crackers and it took every ounce of willpower in my body not to hurl that back up again. THIS IS SOOOO FRUSTRATING. Apparently my stomach has shrunk down to an ineffective nubbin from The Great Sushi Maw it once was.

Did I mention I am totally phobic about vomiting? Oh yeah. Throw that into the mix and you get a daily freak out too and stress levels off the planet.

I have essentially been in bed for a couple weeks while my apartment is a mess and needs to be packed for my move at the end of the month. My landlord is going to start showing my suite this weekend and I will have to hide all the barf bags and strategically placed buckets and then physically hide myself in my car with a container of sorts while the tour goes on. Barfing while somebody views your place is not a great selling point.

Sorry that I have not been posting or commenting or phoning or even talking to you when you stand over my sorta emaciated (the bum fat has proven to be very stubborn but my abs look great) form in bed. I just feel hela icky.

But I miss you.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Day 11 in Ickville

Sorry. Still feeling vile. Still can't eat. Still only sleeping and complaining a lot. Still not blogging. Hang in there. I'm going to the doc tomorrow and hopefully he'll fix me up. I'll be back.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-And Then My Fluish Head Was Crushed With Cuteness

I received an email from my good friend today accompanied by a couple of photos. At that moment my heart squished with sweetness no cat crushing could ever achieve today, day 6 of NO EATING DUE TO RELENTLESS NAUSEA. So I pass it on to you. I take the write-up with a grain of salt as you just never can trust The Internet entirely. But the photos are weep worthy.

***UPDATE***an astute reader passed this link to me that may just explain what these photos represent. See for yourself.

"In a zoo in California, a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size, they died shortly after birth. The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health, although physically she was fine.
The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve. After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment.
Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only "orphans" that could be found quickly, were a litter of wiener pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger."


Take a look...