Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Just Tell Me To Shut Up

It is that time of year when the holidays start cropping up and you get all those invitations for dinners and parties and other gatherings where food is offered and consumption is required.

I dread this.

The number one reason why is that with my ‘cancer journey enhanced’ anxiety problems any social interaction is terrible for me. Absolutely no fun and not to be attempted under any circumstances. I can do intimate family things with a couple Ativan under my belt but some loud and boisterous gathering is just impossible right now. It was doable in the past and I hope will be again in the future but just not right now.


But there is another major reason why this time of year is a royal pain in the ass. I am a very picky eater with all sort of opinions about how things should be, 'culinarily' speaking.

I can’t say that I am not an adventurous eater as I love sushi including the raw bits as well as curries and pad thais and other foods from far away lands. So I love those things. It is just that there are things I don’t like and I am pretty adamant about that. My reasons might not always be logical or even understandable but they are what they are:

-I hate squash. Any kind of squash. That includes pumpkin pie and other Halloween Era treats. I hate pumpkin scones, muffins, slices, Blizzards, cheesecake and lattes. That is fucking gross and that is all there is to it.

-I hate clams and mussels. They look ugly. Why would you want to put anything looking like that in your mouth? Seriously.

-I love stuffing but only if it is regular bread stuffing with celery and sage. Whatever you do don’t add any weird ass shit like figs or raisins or wild rice or truffles. God, just leave well enough alone.

-Meat. I don’t eat it. I love the smell of it cooking though. Except lamb. Didn’t even like lamb when I ate meat. Or duck. Or goose or any of those nasty greasy beasts.

-Pie. Ok. I LOVE apple pie. Just love it. Or apple strudel or crisp or whatever. I don’t like any other pie. I like all the fruit that goes into pies on their own but not in pie. Don’t know why.*

-I have a very strong opinion about nuts. They SUCK! Nuts should never be added to baked goods. Especially brownies. Sacrilege!!! ESPECIALLY walnuts. *gag* However, almonds or hazelnuts are ok in special circumstances. Like chocolate covered ones. It should be noted that I love peanut butter and any kind of chocolate bar with peanut butter. That is acceptable. Under no circumstances should nuts EVER be part of a salad or savory dish. I really mean that. Don’t mess with me.

-Most fish-just stinky. Tuna out of the can is ok and so is sushi. What can I say? I never said I would make sense.

-This saddens me a great deal and I hope that things will change in the future but I cannot stand the thought of mashed potatoes. I ate an indecent amount during my chemotherapy and it is not uncommon to develop a strong aversion to foods eaten during this time. That is what happened to me and it is a total tragedy. I love all other potatoes and can still eat them just fine. Except the mashed ones. *big sigh*

-I loathe cooked carrots. Love them raw but not soft and hot. Carrot cake is an abomination. Carrot soup is a travesty against nature. Don’t even talk to me about parsnips or turnips. The mere thought of cauliflower makes my sphincter shudder.

-Eggnog. Who the hell thought that was a good idea?

-Both my brother and I don’t like tomatoes but like tomato sauce on pasta. We were a united front against my parents about this and were never forced to eat tomatoes as kids. Woo!

-I figure a good general rule is not to mix sweet stuff into savory dishes and savory stuff into sweet dishes. None of that cranberry crap in gravy. Just say no to mincemeat pie. Just quit mixing that shit up.

-For the most part the desserts that make me happy have chocolate in them. Why waste those calories on lemon tart or fruit flan? If you are going to splurge just do it right. Don’t fuck up a good thing by adding something nutritious to it like fruit. People!!

-What in hell’s name is good about those blue and nasty stinky cheeses? You are eating mold and that is all there is to it. I believe a good rule to live by is that if it smells rotten don’t put it in your mouth. Goat cheese tastes like goats smell. Mmmmmm…appetizing. Why don’t we milk pigs while we are at it? Or dogs? Draw the line!!!

Now there is just a little taste of why I never get invited out anymore. In all honesty due to my vegetarianism and finicky palate my mom makes me my own special meal when we have a family dinner as I rarely can eat what everybody else is getting. Basically I am seriously annoying. Only because I am their child do I continue to be invited over. A parent's love overcomes a lot. Barely.

What makes you want to hurl?

*Poet moment!


Precisiongirl said...

Can I just say that was a wicked rant. Very passionate!

I have one thing to say... ketchup.

It's nasty, smelly, gross and looks trampy.

Also why do people come to my restaurant and order an expensive steak, only to the drown it in cheap and nasty ketchup.

I need to go throw up now.

lawyerchik said...

Brussel sprouts. Cabbage. Any cooked vegetable that is over-cooked (a/k/a mushy). Mushroom sauce from a can (although Campbell's cream of mushroom soup isn't bad in small doses). Tomatoes, okra, onions and anything that slimes (although I, too, like tomato sauce for pasta - my mom would toss it in the blender to get rid of the actual tomato or onion bits). Any form of squash.

I actually like pumpkin bread or pumpkin cake, and also (for weird reasons) zucchini bread, but I think it's because the addition of sugar makes anything more palatable to my sweet tooth.

Don't like any kind of fruit, though, except apples. My grandfather used to grow fabulous strawberries when I was a kid - never ate them, and he swore I must have been adopted.....

Good luck with the holidays - I hate them myself but for different reasons..... :)

hemlock said...

I thought you were absolutely batshit crazy, until I read this line:

"Just say no to mincemeat pie. Just quit mixing that shit up."

I can't agree more! Kranki for PM!

I tend to like all food (yep, that includes seafood AND squash!!!), even the stuff you had some good evidence against.

Hmmm, what don't I like. Mincemeat pie is right up there. Jell-o 'salads'. Jell-o isn't my favorite in the first place, and adding shredded carrots to it, isn't going to help any.

Can't really think of much else, but if I come up with anything, I'll be sure to drop you a line.

Dima said...

The only thing I don't eat is lamb and coconuts. Otherwise, everything else I can eat, at least once. Unfortunately, almost everything that you had really strong feelings against, I absolutely love. But different people have different tastes. I am especially offended with the cheese comment. But we won't fight about it :)

I LOVE anything with pumpkin in it, and if I only eat carrot cake for the rest of my life and no other dessert, I would in a heart beat!

You can be picky about your food if you want to, as long as you don't criticize what I'm eating or make faces at it. That's my rule!

Candace said...

I like just about everything, with some very odd exceptions: no raw onions (cooked are fine), no raw mushrooms or cooked mushrooms larger than a dice, and I also don't like any fruit pies except for apple. But, like you, I don't mind other fruits in their raw form. And the stuffing (except, I don't "stuff." Stuffing is evil and just BEGS for bacteria; I cook it seperately and it's called "dressing" then; besides, I can eat it if it's not cooked in the bird--cos then it's vegetarian!), I'm with you.

LadyBug said...

"Just quit mixing that shit up."

Hee. You crack me up, Kranki.

Love and hugs to you, hon.

zerodoll said...

pumpkin pie is really one of the nastiest creations of man, that texture, that flavor, gag! i also hate apple pie, the apples are soggy and nasty. pears are gritty and disgusting. most other fruits are wonderful, i even eat the skin on kiwis.

alan said...

Some of your things are on my list as well...the nut thing especially!

Some that are on your list I love as well, but I'd skip them for you!

My Mom's mom always boiled Brussel Sprouts and cauliflower; my stomach churns just thinking of them, though a friend has been trying to convince me that grilling Brussel Sprouts changes them completely, and he says the same about cauliflower. Haven't gotten around to trying them that way...yet!



Squirl said...

I am with you on some of those. No nuts in baked goods - EVER! Especially walnuts. Ruins a good brownie, muffin, whatever. I prefer carrots raw, too.

I used to like mussels. Until it took four times within a year of becomin horribly ill to realize that I CAN'T eat them anymore. Just looking at them made me sick for a while after that.

Good luck, party- and food-wise, during the upcoming holidays. :)

whfropera said...

i have very few food phobias, but the big one? gravy over any type of bread - if bread is supposed to be soggy or soaked in gravy, then I won't go near it.

um - that horrible green bean casserole everyone seems to like in the Midwest - it is swill.

kalki said...

I'm a texture girl, so there are many things that gross me out. Like tapioca pudding. Ground beef. And yes, nuts in anything.

I also cannot abide cherries.

happy and blue 2 said...

Actually until I got to the nuts part I was pretty much with you on everything. And after the nuts part I was with you again.
I have food issues so I just don't eat in public if I can avoid it..
But I don't see it as being picky. Just smarter than the average food eater, ha,ha..

Sharkey said...

I'm with you on the non-apple fruit pies. I think it's something about the ratio of fruit to crust. I'm all about the ratios. Plus, that nuclear red stuff that's always in strawberry pies . . . WTF?

But I'll eat just about anything else on your list. I especially like it when a salad has fruit (craisins, pears, or strawberries), blue cheese, and nuts. Yum!

I suppose I've just sent you shrieking from the room.

Anonymous said...

Sauerkraut! It really sucks!

JP said...

Slam those foods!!! BAM!!!!

So here's a question Kranki. What do you get on pizza?

MrsDoF said...

I've never tried sushi, nor would I want to.
Curry, the smell wafting over from the neighbor's backyard potluck sends me running away.
Oysters and mussels, I'm with ya on the hate-it list.
Tomatoes have taken a great dislike to my innards, so I had better end that discussion. I've found a nice brand of sauceless frozen pizza, which costs a little more, but worthwhile.
And I've learned to make a nice white chicken chili, which has become a hit on the family menu.

But fruit pie? Nuts? Cheese? and my gosh oh goodness CARROT CAKE? how can you clobber them so?

There are two holiday events where my presence is a Must, but I try to weasel out of so many others.
Getting old and crotchety, I suppose.

Parents who love are blessed.

Von Krankipantzen said...

P-Girl-I totally agree with your ketchup opinion. Double YUCK!

Lawyerchick-yeah, cooked (and especially overcooked) cabbage is vile. Any veggie overcooked is plain wrong.

Hemlock-oooooh JELLO! Uber gross. Good call.

Dima-I would never make fun of your food choices. That would be hypocritical as I would not appreciate being makde fun of my dislikes. Even though I know I am lame and totally deserve it.

Candace MJ-ew! Meat germs. I guess I have to amend my post to say dressing instead of stuffing. I didn't know the difference.

Zerodoll-I have no idea who thought up pumpkin pie. Crazy ass.

Alan-I have to admit I love brussel sprouts but I can see how they would turn you off. They are a weird taste. I like them better raw. Grilled sounds amazing.

squirl-I think nuts are a very polarised issue. Either you love them or HATE them with passion.

Opera gal-if those are your only dislikes you are pretty food tolerant. I don't think I have ever seen bread with gravy. Well, except stuffing/dressing. Is that what you mean?

Kalki-oh oh ho! Tapioca pudding. YUCKY!!! Same with rice pudding. Puke!

Happy and Blue-yeah, that's it. SMARTER!!!

Sharkey-good point on the ratio thing. Pies just are so concentrated fruit sometimes it is too much. I love pie crust though.

anon-saurkraut! Yeah! Gross! You are right!

JP-you asked for it. My fav pizza is spinach, feta cheese and black olives. I rarely have to share.

Mrs. Dof-sushi definitely isn't for everybody. I am a little scared of it now since it was the cause of my recent brutal food poisoning episode. And oysters-EW EW EW!!!!!Also very ugly.

MrsDoF said...

“Knowing that tomatoes are a fruit is knowledge. Not putting them in fruit salad is wisdom.”
This was a comment on someone else's blog. I dunno what made me want to bring it over here.

Closet Metro said...

holy crap, its a wonder you find anything left to enjoy.

sushi. I hate sushi. But I bet it would be great if I could put it on the grill for a few minutes.

headless cat said...

sultanas - why cant you get a decent meusli without sultanas - fruit cake.. bleach

olives, anchovies - yuk

i have had a nice brussel sprout once or twice but dont go out of my way to eat them

although if i like the taste of something and dont know a nasty is hidden i will eat it - im all for trying things and letting my taste buds do the selecting

ps dont ever eat australian possum meat - its is gross - skippy steaks* on the other hand are very nice

(* skippy the bush kangaroo..)

pizza topping suggestion - how about thinly sliced potatoes and rosemary - mmmmmmm

east village idiot said...

Sadly I don't like most sushi. But I wish I did. I don't like lamb either - the smell is yucky. I don't like any game meat stuff. I don't like plain yoghurt.

But it's okay if you are finnicky. You've been to hell and back. People are just so happy to have you feeling good. Deprive yourself of food you hate - but not the people you love. Just bring your food with you. People will understand.

ladybug said...

hi stacey!

#1 - congrats on kicking cancer's ass!!! my mom is a soon-to-be 17 year survivor!

#2 - i think i found you via RandomandOdd...

#3 - you crack me up! i loved your food rant. and it makes hella sense! i will be reading more...


Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Carrot cake - EWWWWWWWWW! There is no reason for its existence.

Coconut - why not just give me some shredded styrofoam to gnaw on?

Oh, and Closet - I won't eat sushi with raw fish on it. But I loooooove sushi with cooked crab or shrimp on it.

candy said...

i agree with you on MANY of those foods. nuts? ugh. raisins in stuffing? stop it! my mom does that & i always picked them out. i'm not a pie person either. let me eat cake. and why why why does everything this time of year have to have pumpkin flavor? eesh. i do, however, LOVE eggnog.

foods i hate that most people don't understand why: asparagus, watermelon and steak.