It is that time of year when the holidays start cropping up and you get all those invitations for dinners and parties and other gatherings where food is offered and consumption is required.
I dread this.
The number one reason why is that with my ‘cancer journey enhanced’ anxiety problems any social interaction is terrible for me. Absolutely no fun and not to be attempted under any circumstances. I can do intimate family things with a couple Ativan under my belt but some loud and boisterous gathering is just impossible right now. It was doable in the past and I hope will be again in the future but just not right now.
But there is another major reason why this time of year is a royal pain in the ass. I am a very picky eater with all sort of opinions about how things should be, 'culinarily' speaking.
I can’t say that I am not an adventurous eater as I love sushi including the raw bits as well as curries and pad thais and other foods from far away lands. So I love those things. It is just that there are things I don’t like and I am pretty adamant about that. My reasons might not always be logical or even understandable but they are what they are:
-I hate squash. Any kind of squash. That includes pumpkin pie and other Halloween Era treats. I hate pumpkin scones, muffins, slices, Blizzards, cheesecake and lattes. That is fucking gross and that is all there is to it.
-I hate clams and mussels. They look ugly. Why would you want to put anything looking like that in your mouth? Seriously.
-I love stuffing but only if it is regular bread stuffing with celery and sage. Whatever you do don’t add any weird ass shit like figs or raisins or wild rice or truffles. God, just leave well enough alone.
-Meat. I don’t eat it. I love the smell of it cooking though. Except lamb. Didn’t even like lamb when I ate meat. Or duck. Or goose or any of those nasty greasy beasts.
-Pie. Ok. I LOVE apple pie. Just love it. Or apple strudel or crisp or whatever. I don’t like any other pie. I like all the fruit that goes into pies on their own but not in pie. Don’t know why.*
-I have a very strong opinion about nuts. They SUCK! Nuts should never be added to baked goods. Especially brownies. Sacrilege!!! ESPECIALLY walnuts. *gag* However, almonds or hazelnuts are ok in special circumstances. Like chocolate covered ones. It should be noted that I love peanut butter and any kind of chocolate bar with peanut butter. That is acceptable. Under no circumstances should nuts EVER be part of a salad or savory dish. I really mean that. Don’t mess with me.
-Most fish-just stinky. Tuna out of the can is ok and so is sushi. What can I say? I never said I would make sense.
-This saddens me a great deal and I hope that things will change in the future but I cannot stand the thought of mashed potatoes. I ate an indecent amount during my chemotherapy and it is not uncommon to develop a strong aversion to foods eaten during this time. That is what happened to me and it is a total tragedy. I love all other potatoes and can still eat them just fine. Except the mashed ones. *big sigh*
-I loathe cooked carrots. Love them raw but not soft and hot. Carrot cake is an abomination. Carrot soup is a travesty against nature. Don’t even talk to me about parsnips or turnips. The mere thought of cauliflower makes my sphincter shudder.
-Eggnog. Who the hell thought that was a good idea?
-Both my brother and I don’t like tomatoes but like tomato sauce on pasta. We were a united front against my parents about this and were never forced to eat tomatoes as kids. Woo!
-I figure a good general rule is not to mix sweet stuff into savory dishes and savory stuff into sweet dishes. None of that cranberry crap in gravy. Just say no to mincemeat pie. Just quit mixing that shit up.
-For the most part the desserts that make me happy have chocolate in them. Why waste those calories on lemon tart or fruit flan? If you are going to splurge just do it right. Don’t fuck up a good thing by adding something nutritious to it like fruit. People!!
-What in hell’s name is good about those blue and nasty stinky cheeses? You are eating mold and that is all there is to it. I believe a good rule to live by is that if it smells rotten don’t put it in your mouth. Goat cheese tastes like goats smell. Mmmmmm…appetizing. Why don’t we milk pigs while we are at it? Or dogs? Draw the line!!!
Now there is just a little taste of why I never get invited out anymore. In all honesty due to my vegetarianism and finicky palate my mom makes me my own special meal when we have a family dinner as I rarely can eat what everybody else is getting. Basically I am seriously annoying. Only because I am their child do I continue to be invited over. A parent's love overcomes a lot. Barely.
What makes you want to hurl?