Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Monday, November 13, 2006

What To Do When Crazy Leaves Notes On Your Door?

Well, I’ve been living here in the new digs for about 4 months now and have found my fellow tenants to generally be a happy and friendly bunch. Everybody has really banded together and there are all sorts of associations one can join if one is built that way. I am not a joiner by nature so the garden committee will have to do without my Black Thumb of Death for the time being. So far, for every holiday, including Halloween, there has been a potluck party one can go to complete with decorations and sing-a-longs. It is very sweet. It is also glaringly apparent that I am a total curmudgeon as I have not attended a single communal gathering either. Eventually when I am over my social angst and feel like joining the masses again I’ll break out my Famous Quinoa Salad and karaoke on roof garden with everybody else. Until then The Hermit shall herm.

So I was surprised to find a note on my door a few weeks ago asking me to call Autumn*, A Fellow Tenant ASAP!!!! at such n’ such phone number. It sounded very urgent and I was frankly a little alarmed since I didn’t know this person having never been to any social function where I could have met her.

And so I phoned.

I quickly learned that Autumn had been down in the basement where the storage lockers are located and had seen in my locker (the walls are wire) some furniture she was interested in buying if I was willing to sell. Well, what do you know? I WAS thinking of getting rid of that shelving as it no longer fit in my new space. Perfect. What were the chances…

Then her negotiating started. I immediately got the sob story how she was on her own and didn’t have very much money and couldn’t afford a lot. Well, I too am on my own and don’t have a lot of money so I could certainly understand her position but, frankly, I didn’t buy into the guilt trip and due to my abject aloneness and extreme poverty I wasn’t gonna just give it away either. But I wasn’t going to be greedy. I wasn’t going to ask very much for the shelving and I was even willing to give her a couple pieces for free. She was very excited and agreed to pay me $20 for two metal shelves and I would throw in a couple wood ones for nothing. I probably could have got a bit more if I had sold my furniture on Craigslist or something but I was glad I didn’t have to have strangers through my place for viewings etc. Yippee! Quick sale!

*insert dark foreboding cello music here*

When I was arranging with Autumn to get the shelves to her I told her I had just had surgery and couldn’t haul the VERY well packed shelving (think Tetris) out of my locker on my own but would arrange for my parents to get them out for her over the weekend. She asked me what was wrong with me and I explained that I was going through reconstruction due to having breast cancer.

Well, what do you know but she was just waiting to get a surgery date to be explored for breast cancer too. I instantly sympathized with her. We had a little chat about our situations, she just starting the process and me coming to the end of it, and she exclaimed brightly that she knew she would be “just fine” because she had a positive attitude and that if I had a positive attitude as well I would have NOTHING to worry about, too. I, the sick, bitter and twisted cancer survivor didn’t tell her what was really going through my mind; “Yeah, right. If it was only so simple.”

So my parents dragged out the shelves and she took them and said she would stick a twenty under my door.

Yeah, she did stick it to me in her own way. I didn’t see any money.

Four days later she called me saying that she hadn’t paid me as she had forgotten what apartment I lived in. I gave her that information again and she said she would get me my money right away as she didn’t like to be in debt to people and ALWAYS paid her bills immediately. However, she had spent the original $20 bill allocated to me on pizza so she would have to get to the bank machine again before she could pay me. She made it sound like a difficult feat which confused me since there is a bank machine located right next door to our apartment’s front entrance. I had my doubts I’d be seeing my skooties any time soon despite her perky assurances that she settled her accounts promptly.

Guess what! I am psychic! Spoooooky! One week later after not finding a crispy little cash giftie under my door I called her to see what was up.

WELL! Poor, poor Autumn had been sick. Very very very sick with a FEVER and everything. She had not left the house since our last week’s phone conversation and therefore had not made it to a bank machine. She was “terribly sorry,” she said. “Ok. Fair enough,” I told her. “If you’re contagious then you’re contagious.” I simply asked her, in the future, to let me know what was going on. “Don’t blow me off.” I explained that after our last conversation she lead me to believe that I would be getting my money within a 24 hour period and here I was a week later calling her up about it. I asked her to keep me in the loop and let me know what was happening and not to leave me hanging like that again.

She promised she would get a friend to get the money to me if she wasn’t able to get out of the house within a couple days herself. “Perfect,” I said thinking our conversation was finished.

Oh no it wasn’t. She then launched into a pity tirade about how hard it was for her since “she was all alone and didn’t have anybody” and that “she was waiting for a cancer surgery date and everything!”

Oh no she didn’t. She didn’t just pull The Cancer Card?!? To a person she knows has already gone through the entire cancer treatment process? Oh noooooooo…

Well, it is four days later and still no cash under my door. I am going to have to get nasty on her possibly cancerous ass and rip her a new one. But I will also give her some advice. Very important information that might help her in the future. Explain how The Cancer Card works. Explain that merely waiting for a surgery date might tweak the heartstrings of an uber softie (only found in a bright fluffy world where unicorns dance in the meadows and poop chocolate nuggets) but does not cut it with me, chemo soaked and overly radiated unfeeling bastard that I am. Hell, I’M waiting for a surgery date myself but am still managing to pay my bills on time. Last time I checked waiting for the phone to ring didn’t count as a disability. Now if she had recounted tales of low red blood cell counts and infections requiring hospitalization and blood transfusions I would have cut her all the slack in the world. Tell me that you are nauseous and dizzy and unwell after a chemo date and I will drop off homemade soup seasoned lovingly with my tears. Even a radiation cracked nipple would have extended her bill payment deadline indefinitely. Now that is correctly playing The Cancer Card. Legit use of The Card. Respectful use of The Card. But waiting for a surgery date? Oh no no no no nooooo! That is insulting. That pisses me off.

No more Miz Nice Kranki. The bitch is back.

*not her name

23 comments:

torrie said...

Tell her if she doesn't pay you, you'll get your blog friends after her!

Nancy said...

WTF, I can not believe first she was shopping through your bin, and then to use a surgery date as an excuse to rip you off.
All i can say is to Cocoon, protect yourself from the leaches of life.
I'm sorry about your radiated skin problem and I hope things work out. I think I read somewhere that they have developed a way to "clone" skin from ones own skin, I think it is used for burn victims but if it can be done I would go for it. Heck I have enough extra skin I would donate some. I am
wishing you the best in all aspects of your life.
I can relate, I am not a joiner either and I am happier for it, but sometimes people just don't understand. I do not want to get involved with other peoples drama's. i would help anyone in a heart beat but I hate the users and abusers.
Good Luck and kick her butt until you get the dough.

eclectic said...

I'm actually glad she has given you a reason to get fiesty, but I'm sorry for the hassle. She is the suck!!

misshellbedlam said...

you're funny when you're mean. but then, bitter is the flavor i myself prefer.

happy and blue 2 said...

This is the exact reason I smash everything I don't want.
People are frickers..

kalki said...

What does it say about me that posts like this make me adore you all the more? You rock. And this? "....and I will drop off homemade soup seasoned lovingly with my tears." Awesome.

hemlock said...

"only found in a bright fluffy world where unicorns dance in the meadows and poop chocolate nuggets"

THE best line in the post.

Sorry you had to go through this pain in the ass situation.

I certainly wouldn't want an angry Kranki beating on my ass...

JP said...

Whoa!! Psycho-biotch!!!! I cannot believe she pulled the cancer card. It's psycho-biotch pounding time!!!

ladybug said...

people just arent smart sometimes.
what part of - you do not mess with a woman who has kicked cancer's ass, is not completely CLEAR?

hmmph.
at least she makes for interesting blog entries.

GO Kranki - you get her!!!
(or we will)

Anonymous said...

hey kranki - if she wont give you 20 straight up how about getting her to pay two tens instead??

headless cat

whfropera said...

um hello? We're talking *twenty dollars* here - what a moron "autumn" is.
was she unable to read the
kicked cancers ass - took no prisoners CLEARLY stamped on your forehead?

email on its way.

Julio Cesar said...

I really get pissed off when somebody tries the "waaawaaa" clause on me...

I am not that good with people trying to get rid of their responsibility using their illness (whichever it is) to their advantage...

And TWENTY dollars? Come on!

i hope everything goes well in the recovery process you're now going through... :)

Candace said...

God, you're really funny when you're pissed and raging!

True_Halcyon said...

Just from what you've put up here about her, I'd say she's a TOTAL manipulator. You'd do well to stay far, far away from her after you get your money back...good luck with that! I'll be rockin' the positive vibeage for you, your hoots, and your surgeon...

Lazy Lightning said...

You should show her that oozing 'drainage' hole you've been talkin' about. And THEN discuss the 20 dollars. You should go over to her place with a friend, bringing soup or a casserole or something, to "check in on her" and "see if she's doing alright" since, you know, you're a fellow breast cancer card holder...

And then you and your friend take your stuff back, "in to holding" pending the delivery of your $20.

LadyBug said...

...homemade soup seasoned lovingly with my tears..." cracked me right up.

I hope she gets you your money soon. The nerve of her playing The Cancer Card on you, knowing you were already in the midst of it. Geez.

Anonymous said...

Instead of calling, you might have to try a face to face confrontation. It's harder to lie to someone when they're in your face. But, of course people like Autumn usually don't have a problem with that!

Circe said...

Oh Kranki,
I swear this is the most entertaining story I've read in ages! You are so wonderful I cannot even put it into words. Ok, I cannot, CANNOT believe she pulled the cancer card on you of all people after all the unbelievable CRAP you've been dealing with. Heck, I'm beginning to wonder if she's even a card-carrying member at this point in the game. And what a freekin weasel to not cough up your money yet!! (I'm pissed and laughing at the same time.) Um, call this welcher and offer to walk with her to the bank machine this very instant! And give me a break! We are not talking $200 bucks here; we are talking a measly $20! No more delivery pizza for her till she pays you. *mean face*
She is not getting away with this s**t with you or I'm coming up there and dealing with her myself and she can hear my cancer story in explicit detail.

And as a seasoned survivor, I have news for her. A positive attitude is a wonderful thing to have and I think it helps in all areas of life but sometimes S**T happens and a pity party is deserved and understandable. So there!

big hugs,
circe

lawyerchik said...

This is just me talking, but in the next conversation with her (and there will undoubtedly be a next time), I would offer to walk to the lobby with her while she withdraws the appropriate amount from the convenient cash machine to pay for the items.

If she declines, I would ask when it would be convenient for my friends "Guido" and "his very large very muscly friend" to come over and pick up the shelves, et al. ;)

Misty said...

Not only was it just 20 dollars but how CONVENIENT that she lives in the same building and doesn't have to go far to pay you..yet she still can't?? Just ridiculous..I agree with the person who said to let her know you'll take your shelving back soon if she does not pay!

Squirl said...

The unicorn line was priceless!

I don't know if you'll ever get your money from this weasel-bitch, but I sure hope you do. You don't deserve shit like this.

Am I the only one who thinks that someone checking out your storage is kinda creepy and weird?

Nerdgirl said...

She should have her cancer card confiscated and ripped up in front of her.

stampydurst said...

Now that you know random people are checking out your storage area, you should have some fun with it. Put your theatrical talents to work - A wooden box nailed shut with a fake hand sticking out of it and some air holes drilled in. A giant box labelled "PORN". Some empty ammo boxes scattered about - maybe then "Amber" will leave you alone.