Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Post Where It Is Confirmed That I Am A Total Loser


Well, first post of 2006.

I have traveled to many of your blogs over the last couple days to find out how everybody spent New Years Eve. While much naughtiness was had by many (I am looking at you Spoonie and Nessa) I was glad to see that I was not alone in my very mellow and quiet night.

You see, I have had great eves of New Years celebrations as well as really miserable ones in the past. The misery quotient increased for me as I stopped drinking Ze Booze (I sucked at tipping the bottle and never did it much anyway) and was then, while painfully sober, surrounded by those who were swimming in it. Just not my thing. I can remember one year after a particularly great night taking advantage of free transit in my town being surrounded by not one, not two, but SEVERAL chicks on the bus boo-hooing into the collars of their friends and escorts. The Illusion Of Perpetual And Never Ending Fun On New Years Eve can be hard to maintain over the course of an evening, that much I know. No, I have never cried but I can understand why some would. Such high expectations…very taxing on the psyche.

As my friends got married off and had kids and thus the Party Savages in my circle of friends diminished, around the time I eliminated alcohol from my diet no less, I decided that the whole celebration was overrated. Probably a decision greatly influenced by my pretty much permanent single status and a dire lack of fun things to do as a single gal around the holidays. I mean how many times can a girl get all gussied up only to have no one to kiss as the clock strikes midnight? Sad and not something one might admit to but, hell, a lot of us have been there, no? In protest of the whole emotionally charged evening I started my now famous (in my own mind) Annual New Year’s Eve Boycott.

In case you are ever tempted to hold one of these celebrations of your own here is what you need:

1. Warm blanket on comfy couch. Sleeping dog or cat or combination thereof draped charmingly over legs.
2. Flannel pajamas or stained sweat suit.
3. Cheesy DVDs.
4. An indecent amount of take-out sushi. Seriously, like, enough for several people.
5. Chocolate or dessert type item.
6. Your own self.

Eat, lounge, watch bad DVDs and, for it to be a truly successful night, fall asleep on the couch well before midnight.

Oh yeah.

Pablo, one of my remaining few Party Savage friends did his first Boycott this year and enjoyed it heartily. He did mix it up a little by having a warm body next to him that was not a furry animal. Well, technically anyway. And I think nudity was involved. Maybe next year he’ll follow ALL the rules. Slut!

This year a mighty wrench was thrown into my Boycott plan. Almost immediately after arriving home with my truck load of sushi I got a fever and some pretty serious intestinal distress. So I rang in the New Year with a tummy bug while my neighbours noshed on my sushi. I was just happy it wasn’t wasted. Now that would have been a tragic way to start the year. So I did have my Pjs on and was flaked on the couch and was well in bed by midnight and thus still consider the evening a success.

However I am a little hurt that nobody drunk dialed me.

Now let’s talk about resolutions. A few years ago while at a New Year’s Eve party (which sucked) I was joking with some acquaintances about making these pledges and we all got pretty snarky about the whole thing. One person said she was going to try to be meaner to people that year and another guy said he was going to start smoking. I decided that I was going to go up a dress size. Well. Be careful of what you are snide about as after being at the same weight for ages I suddenly put on several pounds and did indeed need a whole new wardrobe. Smartass. I have wondered if those other people had similar misfortune. I have never really done resolutions since. One does not like to be mocked by the universe once let alone twice.

I do have some things I’d like to get accomplished this year and while I refuse to call them resolutions I am just going to tell you what they are and be done with it.

1. Get past this cancer bullshit and start to think about life again without it being in that particular context. Everything I have done recently has revolved around breast cancer. NO MO’! Once my surgeries are over this spring I will be starting to work on getting my business up and running by Christmas.

2. Get more active and get into decent shape physically and mentally. I know that dealing with cancer can be often called a fight but, honestly, I did most of my fighting horizontally and as a result am still quite weak and fatigued. And fat. I believe a strong mind and body will increase my chances of never having to deal with cancer again.

There you go. Bring it ON! 2006

So tonight I am sitting at my computer marinating in the greatness that is Henry Rollins’ (my boyfriend, don’t forget) radio show, Harmony In My Head, while I type out this post. He is on this radio station every Tuesday night from 8-10 pm pacific time. The fact that this is available to the broadband masses via the internet thrills me to no end. My city has absolutely deplorable radio stations so this is one of the few ways I can hear excellent oldies (punk, that is) as well as new stuff and weird stuff and rare stuff. It is a real mix. I look forward to it all week.


Twisteduterus said...

Happy New Year---well except for the unwelcome visitor.

I kiss my dogs at midnight--not on the lips, on the noses.

Jeans said...

I always look forward to your posts, as they are always eloquently written. That Boycott New Year's plan sounds fantastic. I just might have to do that next year. Although my plan may sound like Pablo's.... Hmmmm...

I hope your 2006 is awesome.


mrtl said...

Happy New Year, Kranki! Do plan a make up session with the sushi; maybe for your date night with Henry.

JessicaRabbit said...

Hey you are not alone in the mellow night, my first kiss of the new year was from a big doggie who just wanted to stick her nose in my grape juice, since I dont do the booze thing either.

I worked so many new years eves it just lost it for me, the drunks, the fights, the couples who get wasted and mean to each other.

Stay home and watch movies is an excellent plan, though I confess as the clock struck midnight here Uncle Nick was playing war of the monsters with one Princess, while I was coloring on the Pineapple God....

Next year you need to come hang with us.

Smooches to you, and this year will be rocking good baby, I just know it.

abcd said...

To borrow a line from Sarah
"Oy Vey" on the stomach bug". Your
New Year's was like mine sans the
stomach bug. I had lots of junk food, movies, in my pjs at 6pm,
no booze, but I had my pillow. I know this year will be a better year. Once you have your surgery you can "move on". Get back to your business, get in a little exercise, and do what you want to do. Don't ever forget while it's hard sometimes, you are still in
control. It's not the doctor's, it is you. You make the choices. You are choosing to kick the disease in the best way you know how. You
are one of my true hero's.


Yes have a belated Sushi fiesta.

Susie said...

Here's to strong mind and body in '06. I like your style, loved the snide New Year's resolutions. The "dress size" one reminds me of a few years ago when I went to renew my driver's license. I was aware that for years (forever?) I had weighed more than what my license said. I decided I didn't like that, so on my new license, I listed my weight as 20 pounds more than my actual weight! I told my friends it gave me something to aspire to. Thankfully, I continue to weigh less than my license says (though sometimes not much less!).

Precisiongirl said...

Your New Year's eve sounds cool - and it's one I'd like to be able to do if I was sans Jody...

Somehow I know I'd end up like Bridget Jones downing bottles of Merlot lip and syncing to "All By Myself" - not a pretty picture.

I applaud your "resolutions"


Sharkey said...

My stepdad calls New Year's Eve "amateur night," and I do believe he's correct. We celebrated in much the same way as you, though we waited a night to get the stomach bug.

But you have to look at the bright side of these things. At least it's a jump-start on returning to that smaller dress size, right?

Happy New Year!

kalki said...

New Year's stomach bug victims UNITE! That dress size thing is cracking me up, by the way. Here's to a strong and fabulous 2006!

happyandblue2 said...

Is kissing dogs on the nose somehow less disgusting than kissing them on the lips.
Anyways, I don't go out on New Years either. But I don't consider that being a loser. I see myself as just boring.
And not getting a New Years kiss is too bad. Sending you a belated New Years kiss.
Good luck on your goals for this year..

circe said...

I absolutely agree that expectations on New Year's Eve are highly overrated. I do like the champagne and a few fancy snacks but on the sofa in jammies is the way to go. :)

You will have a better year for 2006, I promise. "C" = PAST


whfropera said...

with you on the boycott - i have been boycotting for various reasons, most involving not driving when stupid drunk people are about since my 20's.

Reason #2? I actually enjoy drinking. By that, I mean a well-mixed cocktail, a good glass of wine, homemade nog w/brandy - drinking well, not drinking a LOT. Staying home with a good bottle of champagne instead of $5 Asti is a good boycott reason.

Like you, I turned it into a "me" holiday - I have always had a ritual that I would listen to the music I wanted to hear, (it used to be Brave New Waves when Brent Bambry was on) stay home with that good drink and do something just for me (no, not THAT BFE) usually making myself something - a dress, a coat, something.

So here's to the continent-wide boycott of NYEve. :)

Amanda B. said...

You are awesome Kranki. Sorry you couldn't eat your sushi. :(

Candace said...

Happy 2006 to you, Miss Krankipants!

Nessa said...

I TOTALLY would have drunk dialed you!!!! I don't have your number I don't think. Your kinda nights are usually what I do for NYE and my pals used to always rag on me for it - now they all stayed in and I went out - never works for me!

eclectic said...

You had to give away your SUSHI??! Aw... I'm sorry, Kranki! But glad it didn't go entirely to waste, and glad you've got 2006 nailed down. Go Kranki!

Squirl said...

Sorry about the stomach bug. I had that over Christmas. Saved me a few pounds, I'm sure. We don't go out on NYE either. I enjoy having one glass of wine and enjoying my home for the evening.

I'm looking forward to your 2006 posts about being well and getting back to work.

Happy New Year's!

east village idiot said...

I've had every type of New Year there is at this point. With my husband as a musician I clocked mundo hours in clubs (it's usually a working night). Before that going to clubs with friends, long parties wondering how I was to get home when cabs became scarce after midnight.

I always felt it was an overrated holiday and much more fun to spend at home away from the crazy crowds. I applaud you for making such a fine choice and regret that your GI system wasn't cooperating.

P said...


angela marie said...

Fun reading! Found you thru Happy & Blue...I'll be back!

(I don't know Pablo, but I think he broke the rules. Yup, ya did dude.)

Dima said...

I am sure you will get to your goals, no problemo.

And New Year's is overrated. I will follow suit and do my New Year's Kranki style next year. I especially love the sushi part of it :)

SassyFemme said...

Happy New Year! With your determination I have no doubt you'll accomplish what you set out to do!

Von Krankipantzen said...

twisted u-not full on the lips!?!? I did kiss Yoshi this year. She was snuggled up right next to me.

jeans-so glad that you like what you read here. Pablo's NYE sounded pretty good too, didn't it?

mrtl-that is such a good idea. I'll do that next date night.

jessica r-NYE with pets and grape juice sounds wonderful.

nikki-thanks so much. I feel pretty good about things so far. So much of it is wait and see but I hope 2006 is a great year for all of us.

susie-that is a good idea for the DL weight thing. I am going to do that next renewal.

precision gal-but you have Jode and I'd much rather be bringing in the new year with a sweet guy. There was no drunken singing here.

sharkey-you too, huh? Gross tummy stuff! It sounds like most NYEs were very mellow this year.

kalki-I hope you are feeling better too. It was only a 24 hour thing with me. Whew!

happyandblue2-thanks for the NY kiss. Right back at ya!

circe-yippee to a c-free life ahead!

whfropera-what a good idea to make something on NYE. I am going to do that next year.

amanda b-don't worry. I'll make up for it. In fact I already did.

misfit-Happy 2006 to you and yours too!

nessa-isn't that always the way? I'll have to give you my number for future drunken nights.

eclectic-I KNOW! It was a tragedy but having it go off in the fridge would have been worse.

squirl-thanks so much! HNY to you too. A nice glasss of wine sounds lovely.

easty-sounds like you have experienced NYE in many forms. Home still feels best for me.

pablo-I AM NOT A HO, SLUT!

angela marie-don't you just love Happy? Thanks so much for stopping by.

dima-the trick is that the sushi amount has to be indecent. Not just a lot or too much. A sickening amount. The best!

sassyfemme-thanks so much. I have all my fingers crossed.

snaps79 said...

New Year's Eve kicks off the worst quarter of the year for me. You described all of the things that make singles hate NYE, and I'm right there with ya. Next, we have February 14th, or National Single's Awareness Day. Need I say more? Soon after that, my birthday arrives - March 8th. Again, a reminder that there are no boyfriend suppers, no boyfriend presents, no boyfriend cards - only the parental cards/gifts and maybe a supper with friends. I HATE THESE FUCKING HOLIDAYS.

spoonleg said...

My NYE was crazy and fun, but I'm normally more of a homebody. I just can't bring myself to stay home on THAT DAY, because I would feel so horrendously old and lame. I want to be able to look back on my youth and say, I partied enough in my day, so that I can justify being a complete party pooping couch potatoe when I'm older.

Ern said...

I agree to New Years being overrated, what with the pressure to Have Fun! and Get Really Drunk, and have a Perfect Kiss at Midnight. It can suck even when you do have someone to kiss. You have a great outlook on the new year, in spite of your boycott. :)