Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Retinking It All

Well last year I very flippantly blogged about an old relationship I had where I found the love of my life in bed with my friend. I was light hearted and jokey about it but the fact is, at the time, the whole situation devastated me. I lost my live-in boyfriend, my close girlfriend and my home as I was the one who moved out that very same day. I was 22 years old and my idealistic view of love was shattered. Probably not a bad thing in theory but I just wish it could have happened in a gentler and more gradual way.

By no means was the relationship perfect. I had gone through a very severe depression the year before where I cried in bed the vast majority of the time. I was not easy to live with. While he did the best he could I can’t say that I received a lot of support and understanding from him. It didn’t really bring us closer together. But we stuck it out.

There were lots of other problems. We were too young. I was 20 and he was 24 when we met. We moved in together too quickly. It wasn’t one of those decisions based on a shared desire to take the relationship to the next level but due to convenience. My two room-mates and I moved into a large house with him and his two room-mates. It was to save on rent. Soon after we moved into an apartment on our own.

He had some serious personal problems as well that I found very hard to handle. He was terrible with money. For instance the landlord would inform me that the rent cheque had bounced. Well, I knew that I had given the boyfriend my half of the rent so he had blown it somehow. I would be freaking and he would totally minimize the situation. That drove me crazy. I would be fending off collection agencies due to his financial problems and then come home from work to a brand new big screen TV or stereo equipment he had bought and I was “a bummer” for not raving about it. It would drive me nuts.

His family was a bit of a disaster as well. It came to light that his father had sexually abused his sister through her teenage years. The mother knew about it and did nothing. There was a whole lot of denial going on which really bothered me. I didn’t really know how to handle it all. It scared me.

During all this, one day while at I was at work, a girl I knew from high school came in and we struck up a conversation again. I had really idolized her in school as she was very cool and knew good music and dressed really funky. So I learned she had just come out of a dysfunctional teenage marriage and we reconnected and fell into a close friendship were she would join me, my boyfriend and our room-mate (my boyfriend’s childhood friend) for dinner and weekend get-togethers and we all got quite close. One day she offered us an interesting living arrangement. Her family house had been tenanted due to her parent’s recent separation and the fact the kids had all grown up and moved out. The present tenants were moving and we could move in as a group for significantly less than we were all paying then. The house had a huge yard, was within walking distance to my work and it all seemed like a good idea. We always had so much fun together so wouldn’t it be great to have that 24/7? We all thought so.

We moved in, painted everything wild and crazy colours and I started getting a very bad feeling. I can’t really say I suspected anybody of cheating but I think I sensed a shift in loyalties and focus. My friend started budding into disagreements between me and my boyfriend and siding with him so I was really looking like the bad guy. One of our big discussions was about kids. He really wanted them and I didn’t. I felt too young and that I hadn’t got my education yet or done traveling like I wanted to. I was uncomfortable with his financial situation and didn’t think we could afford kids. Maybe in the future at some point but I just couldn't guarantee when I might want them. He wanted them really badly. Maybe not right that second but he wanted a promise and timeline that I couldn’t give. My friend, on the other hand, made no secret of the fact she was PINING for kids and totally sympathized with his plight. I really felt ganged up on.

One day we had had yet another wrenching discussion about kids where I couldn’t tell him when I would definitely want them. That afternoon he went off to work. My friend was working a similar shift and was having car problems so my boyfriend offered to drive her to work and pick her up after. I didn’t think anything of it. I expected them home by about 9:30 but they didn’t come. I waited with our other room-mate (his childhood friend) and worried. He worried too. We just didn’t know what was going on. Finally at about 2 am I asked him to drive me to my parent's place as I was really freaking. Interestingly I didn’t ever think something bad had happened like a car accident or something like that. I just knew they had gone off with each other. So I left my boyfriend a note saying that I didn’t know what was going on and that in light of our discussion that day I was uncertain what his disappearance meant. I wrote that maybe we were not meant to be with each other and that I was at my parent’s place. Apparently they came home sometime after 3 am. I fully expected him to come and get me once he arrived home but he never did. Early that morning I took the bus back to the house and went to our room. He wasn’t there. I knocked on my friend’s bedroom door to see if she was home and when she opened it there he was laying in her bed naked. He didn’t say a word to me. I was so shocked I walked away and my friend closed the door behind her and hid in the bathroom. I tried to get in again to confront him but the door was locked. So I just turned to her and told her that I hoped they both rotted in hell and I walked out. Later that morning I called and told him that I wanted them both out of the house so I could move my stuff out which I did. I never spoke to him again. Or her.

Literally I never spoke to them again.

So this weekend, exactly 15 years to the week that all this went down, I stumbled upon a notice in the paper. My ex-cheating-boyfriend died “suddenly” and “tragically” last month. I don’t know how. His widow is my ex-friend who he cheated on me with. They had no children.


How I found this notice in itself is very spooky. His notice was in the next column right beside an obit of an acquaintance of my family who had died of cancer last week. What are the chances of that?

I don’t really know how to feel about all this. I can’t say that I am very upset about his death. I am more shocked. It was so freaky, after all these years, to see that photo of him. It was mind blowing to know that the two of them were married and had made a life with each other for the last 15 years. It is hard to figure out what all this means. I am sad that it happened but there is also all this confusion because the situation was so bad. I was so crushed and humiliated about his actions. It was a terrible time. I feel somewhat conflicted about it all.

A friend told my story to a friend of hers who is a clairvoyant/spiritualist type person and she said that my ex-boyfriend lead me to find his death notice for me to get closure and for him to say good-bye. I don’t feel like I have closure as this has stirred up all sorts of emotions I thought were long laid to rest.

I hope that I can figure all this out and slot everything back into place so it all makes sense to me again. Wrap my mind around it all. I hope that I can eventually say good-bye to him for good and really mean it.


Sharkey said...

Wow. What a shock to find out about him from reading it in the paper.

I've been conflicted just trying to decide what to write in this comment--I can't imagine what you're going through having lived it!

Twisteduterus said...

wow.....i can sort of understand....sort of

Anonymous said...

Holy. That is bizarre. Don't know what to say. Other than I love you and hope you are OK.

Mrs. B

kalki said...

Dang. Heavy stuff. I also hope that you can find closure.

east village idiot said...

My sister was betrayed in a similar fashion. By hooking up with your roomate - your boyfriend was acting out against you. Many of us have experienced heartbreak in our lives. No matter what the age - you really don't want to wish it on anyone. I'm sorry that happened to you - it makes a person much more guarded. At the same time, you probably would have broken up at another time because you didn't share the same approach to life. Blowing your rent money is God's way of telling you to walk away from this dude.

It's especially hard to deal with grief when you two ended like that. It takes you back to that time. Just take it easy. It'll pass and you'll feel better and be able to put it all in perspective.

snaps79 said...

That is so crazy. And spooky. You tell a great story.

Candace said...

Wow. I always wonder how I'd react if/when I find myself reading an ex's obit. I know it'll be totally weird but what will I feel?

And they didn't have kids? I have to wonder about that...did they try and it just didn't happen for them? Did they decide they didn't want any after all? I know you don't have the answers; just speculating.

alan said...

I don't know that there ever is such a thing as "closure", only time and the distance it brings to the memories!

Thinking of you...


hemlock said...

The way I see it... you were meant to see the obit. As painful as it seems now, closure... or whatever you can get out of it, is a good thing.

Thinking of you.

Susie said...

Oh, kranki. That is shocking. I find myself wondering how he died, and speculating. Clearly, if the two of them wanted children, they didn't get what they wanted together. Different newspapers have different euphemisms for the ways in which people die. Sometimes "suddenly and tragically" is a "gentle" way of saying "suicide." I don't know, of course, and I don't mean to add to your discomfort about the whole situation. I believe that you got the information for some reason, and if you need more information, that will come to you, as well. Hugging you.

Permadot said...


Life usually gives us these type of surprises...

When a relation ends in not good terms, time usually puts closure to that...

The way you did find out about your ex, was stange and that's all... I don't know if it was meant to be, but it is what it is...

I guess you should move on and leave it behind you... At the end, the three of you went with your own lives...

Hugs for you and Yoshi!

Julio Cesar

LadyBug said...

I don't know what to say, except...Love and hugs to you, dear Kranki.

Amanda B. said...

Good grief sweetheart. Being cheated on is one of the most painful things I have ever gone through. I learned a lot, but damn I wish I could have learned it in a different way.

If my ex-who-cheated were to die, I would be sad, but not devestated. I know that we weren't supposed to be together- that we had seperate paths in life. I would be sad for him though, because I don't know that he has ever been a happy person. Maybe at least your ex found some peace, albeit at your expense. Perhaps this is a means for you to find forgiveness and peace after you muck through the feelings.

I'm running my mouth- but I want you to know you can always talk to me. Smoooooooch!

Squirl said...

Wow, that is so terrible for you. And what a way to find out.

I had a boyfriend when I was a teenager. We split up because he was drinking (at 16) and he didn't want a relationship at that point.

I didn't find out until years later that he'd married, had two kids, and then died in a car crash. But at least I heard it from his sister.

This is in no way like your story, but you just brought back memories for me.

I hope you're doing okay.

Precisiongirl said...

Wow! That is so strange and bizarre.

I hope you manage to "wrap your head" around it all. It must be so weird dragging up all those old feelings.

How do you feel about the fact that they stayed together for 15 years?

Michele in Michigan said...

I can only imagine the anger & hurt you are feeling all over again. I hope you find the easiest path while working through it. But work through it and let it go.


Karen said...

If it were me, I'd gain comfort from the fact that they were meant to be together (somehow, the cheating would seem different to me, like they couldn't help hurting you in the process because all along they were meant to be together -- I don't know, that's just how I would see it, I think -- although how it all played out was very uncaring towards you).

It seems clear that you and your ex would have broken up anyway at some point. Maybe the whole "having kids" thing was a way of talking about a commitment that you (wisely) would not give. The other woman was ready to give that commitment and stayed with him for the rest of his (short) life. Under the circumstances, it seems like a blessing that they had no children.

I'm sorry you are going through this right now, but I hope you are able to sort out your feelings and "grow" in the process. Hugs to you.

JP said...

Strong feelings like love just do not up and disappear totally even with betrayal. It's that unconditional that love thing. And the truth is you never do forget your first love. And learning of someone's death who you were close to triggers all the memories you thought you buried and forgotten.

But I am also a firm beliver that things do happen for a reason, and I cannot help but to think there was a good reason as to why your paths together did not continue.

Hang in there!

It's Me, Maven... said...

Perhaps from a mystical standpoint he was trying to say goodbye to you? Seems so weird and coincidental, and shocking, too, no doubt. And I can see how it is as if you are reliving the death of that relationship all over again. It's not as if you got any closure from it, or an apology or anything.

eclectic said...

Eeeep! That would be unsettling!!

But you did what you did because it was best for you at that time. You will do with this information what is best for you now, too... whatever that is. And you will figure it out. Hugs!