Retinking It All

Well last year I very flippantly blogged about an old relationship I had where I found the love of my life in bed with my friend. I was light hearted and jokey about it but the fact is, at the time, the whole situation devastated me. I lost my live-in boyfriend, my close girlfriend and my home as I was the one who moved out that very same day. I was 22 years old and my idealistic view of love was shattered. Probably not a bad thing in theory but I just wish it could have happened in a gentler and more gradual way.

By no means was the relationship perfect. I had gone through a very severe depression the year before where I cried in bed the vast majority of the time. I was not easy to live with. While he did the best he could I can’t say that I received a lot of support and understanding from him. It didn’t really bring us closer together. But we stuck it out.

There were lots of other problems. We were too young. I was 20 and he was 24 when we met. We moved in together too quickly. It wasn’t one of those decisions based on a shared desire to take the relationship to the next level but due to convenience. My two room-mates and I moved into a large house with him and his two room-mates. It was to save on rent. Soon after we moved into an apartment on our own.

He had some serious personal problems as well that I found very hard to handle. He was terrible with money. For instance the landlord would inform me that the rent cheque had bounced. Well, I knew that I had given the boyfriend my half of the rent so he had blown it somehow. I would be freaking and he would totally minimize the situation. That drove me crazy. I would be fending off collection agencies due to his financial problems and then come home from work to a brand new big screen TV or stereo equipment he had bought and I was “a bummer” for not raving about it. It would drive me nuts.

His family was a bit of a disaster as well. It came to light that his father had sexually abused his sister through her teenage years. The mother knew about it and did nothing. There was a whole lot of denial going on which really bothered me. I didn’t really know how to handle it all. It scared me.

During all this, one day while at I was at work, a girl I knew from high school came in and we struck up a conversation again. I had really idolized her in school as she was very cool and knew good music and dressed really funky. So I learned she had just come out of a dysfunctional teenage marriage and we reconnected and fell into a close friendship were she would join me, my boyfriend and our room-mate (my boyfriend’s childhood friend) for dinner and weekend get-togethers and we all got quite close. One day she offered us an interesting living arrangement. Her family house had been tenanted due to her parent’s recent separation and the fact the kids had all grown up and moved out. The present tenants were moving and we could move in as a group for significantly less than we were all paying then. The house had a huge yard, was within walking distance to my work and it all seemed like a good idea. We always had so much fun together so wouldn’t it be great to have that 24/7? We all thought so.

We moved in, painted everything wild and crazy colours and I started getting a very bad feeling. I can’t really say I suspected anybody of cheating but I think I sensed a shift in loyalties and focus. My friend started budding into disagreements between me and my boyfriend and siding with him so I was really looking like the bad guy. One of our big discussions was about kids. He really wanted them and I didn’t. I felt too young and that I hadn’t got my education yet or done traveling like I wanted to. I was uncomfortable with his financial situation and didn’t think we could afford kids. Maybe in the future at some point but I just couldn't guarantee when I might want them. He wanted them really badly. Maybe not right that second but he wanted a promise and timeline that I couldn’t give. My friend, on the other hand, made no secret of the fact she was PINING for kids and totally sympathized with his plight. I really felt ganged up on.

One day we had had yet another wrenching discussion about kids where I couldn’t tell him when I would definitely want them. That afternoon he went off to work. My friend was working a similar shift and was having car problems so my boyfriend offered to drive her to work and pick her up after. I didn’t think anything of it. I expected them home by about 9:30 but they didn’t come. I waited with our other room-mate (his childhood friend) and worried. He worried too. We just didn’t know what was going on. Finally at about 2 am I asked him to drive me to my parent's place as I was really freaking. Interestingly I didn’t ever think something bad had happened like a car accident or something like that. I just knew they had gone off with each other. So I left my boyfriend a note saying that I didn’t know what was going on and that in light of our discussion that day I was uncertain what his disappearance meant. I wrote that maybe we were not meant to be with each other and that I was at my parent’s place. Apparently they came home sometime after 3 am. I fully expected him to come and get me once he arrived home but he never did. Early that morning I took the bus back to the house and went to our room. He wasn’t there. I knocked on my friend’s bedroom door to see if she was home and when she opened it there he was laying in her bed naked. He didn’t say a word to me. I was so shocked I walked away and my friend closed the door behind her and hid in the bathroom. I tried to get in again to confront him but the door was locked. So I just turned to her and told her that I hoped they both rotted in hell and I walked out. Later that morning I called and told him that I wanted them both out of the house so I could move my stuff out which I did. I never spoke to him again. Or her.

Literally I never spoke to them again.

So this weekend, exactly 15 years to the week that all this went down, I stumbled upon a notice in the paper. My ex-cheating-boyfriend died “suddenly” and “tragically” last month. I don’t know how. His widow is my ex-friend who he cheated on me with. They had no children.

!!!!!!!!

How I found this notice in itself is very spooky. His notice was in the next column right beside an obit of an acquaintance of my family who had died of cancer last week. What are the chances of that?

I don’t really know how to feel about all this. I can’t say that I am very upset about his death. I am more shocked. It was so freaky, after all these years, to see that photo of him. It was mind blowing to know that the two of them were married and had made a life with each other for the last 15 years. It is hard to figure out what all this means. I am sad that it happened but there is also all this confusion because the situation was so bad. I was so crushed and humiliated about his actions. It was a terrible time. I feel somewhat conflicted about it all.

A friend told my story to a friend of hers who is a clairvoyant/spiritualist type person and she said that my ex-boyfriend lead me to find his death notice for me to get closure and for him to say good-bye. I don’t feel like I have closure as this has stirred up all sorts of emotions I thought were long laid to rest.

I hope that I can figure all this out and slot everything back into place so it all makes sense to me again. Wrap my mind around it all. I hope that I can eventually say good-bye to him for good and really mean it.