Men! Can't Live With Them and You Can't Live With Them

My past relationships came up in conversation the other day in defence to the fact that I am almost perpetually single. It is true – I have been single for a looong time. The city where I live – Canada’s Largest Gay City – makes meeting that perfect het guy quite the challenge. I also don’t know how to flirt and have an annoying habit of busting guys when they are trying to chat me up. I can smell a line of bullshit a mile away and can’t quite stop myself from exposing the lie. I just can’t help it.

I will save my sweet (gag) adolescent boyfriend fairytales for another time because that is a whole other bag of delicious delights. Here is a small sample of past somewhat serious boyfriends and their fine qualities.

Anyway, I literally found my first “all growed up” boyfriend (fiancé to be honest although we were waaay too young to get married) in bed with another woman. A woman who I considered a friend. I am not kidding. While quite a shock and initially devastating it was eventually quite a relief to no longer have to deal with his horrible financial habits and the resulting collection agency phone calls. I have heard that they thought they were pretty clever over the whole deception but I can only smugly guess at the monetary devastation he would have perpetuated throughout their relationship, however long it lasted. Good riddance! I got the last laugh with that one.


The next longish relationship I had was with a guy I worked with. He was quite charming and things got off to a great start. Then a couple things started creeping in. The first thing that sent off alarms was that he was cheap. I mean REALLY cheap. One of his little tricks was to buy a 6-pack of the cheapest beer possible from the shelf instead of the cooler so he would go to a friend’s house and ask if he could help himself to a “Cold One” while his warm beer cooled in the fridge. So the whole night he would help himself to his friends' more expensive beer insisting his beer was still warm. By the end of the night everybody would be stuck with his cheap-ass beer and he would just laugh and leave. I always had to drive us around in my car, as he didn’t like to use up his gas. The other thing he liked to do was invite me out for coffee and then not only not buy me coffee but read the paper and not talk to me the whole time. He also did what most guys never cop to doing-he admitted he acted a certain way to get a girl and then dropped it once the relationship was established. Not cool. Not impressed. He once said he needed a “break” to re-evaluate the relationship and would call me when he figured out whether he still liked me or not. Let’s just say I dumped his ass when he called back. Then he would show up at 4 am crying outside my window. I pity the woman who ended up with him. You don’t have to have money with me but I HATE CHEAP GUYS! I will say this though, for such a turd he really had some nice friends. I missed them more.

The last major relationship I had was with this guy who had lived in Canada for about 15 years and English was his second language. He was very articulate and well spoken until I would call him on his shit when he would suddenly revert to an overly accented “Me No Understand” at which point I would nearly explode with frustration. Nothing was ever discussed or resolved. He eventually had a midlife crisis and fled back to the homeland as he felt the elusive “American Dream” had duped him. While I had no proof I suspected he may have been cheating too. Once again, so glad that it was over. I never looked back.

“So, Krankipantzen, no wonder you are so kranki,” you might say. Actually I am not. Well about that anyway. What I am is just much more careful and very picky. This stuff happens to everybody. And I am thankful I have not been in an abusive situation or feared for my safety. Overall, in hindsight, it has mostly been humorous. I take some responsibility because I think people show their true colours if you care to look, but we all know that in those early lusty days a lot can be overlooked or even forgiven. Then those same things lead to clothing thrown on the front lawn and an ugly divorce.

So I am curious. What humorous or insane stuff has happened to you to clear out of a relationship? And have you been thankful about it in the end? I can’t be alone in this insanity – I know there are better stories out there!