Yep! Today is my birthday. I am 36 years old. I was asked if I felt any different and this year I really do for a change. First of all I am starting to feel the pull of 40. While I am still technically in my mid thirties that next milestone seems very close. Normally I don't pay much attention to such things but when I allow myself to go to that dark and judgmental place I really get depressed that I have not achieved as much as I would have liked to by now. However, I have decided that I am a late bloomer and those things will come. And I will appreciate them so much more for everything that I have gone through before.
I would have liked to have had a very established career that I love by now. In these times I know that most folks have had to change careers and that starting over is more common than ever. I am not alone. But MAN! I wish I had my student loans paid off at least. I don't own property, I have no retirement fund, I don't have a great job and I am not married with kids. And I have cancer. Basically, I got what I don't want. And I am definitely too young for breast cancer. I thought I had at least another 15 years before I had to start worrying about that kind of shit. It is frustrating to look back and know the reasons I have not accomplished many of my goals are because of health issues. And just when I am feeling better than I have in years and have this great "Plan For The Future" all set up I am totally boned with another health crisis. It makes me want to kick something...HARD. What I am trying to do is think about the lesson in every difficult thing that comes my way. You know, what I can learn from it. Tough going for a control freak like myself. Crap! I am starting to get all serious! I am sounding all old or something. I must beat myself about the head! Stop it! Anybody got a good fart joke?
Anyway, tomorrow I go in for my pre-admission appointment at the hospital. My surgery date was moved up to March 8th. A week from today. The plan of attack is a lumpectomy and then 3 weeks of radiation. That is if the lymph nodes are clear. If not then probably a mastectomy, chemo and then radiation after. Then Tamoxifen (or some such thing) for 5 years. I am actually looking forward to the surgery because I want this cancer OUT!!! Ew ew ew ew. Icky. You know what I mean?