Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Monday, December 12, 2005

A Yoshi Free Post

No, there is no Yoshi in this post. I am not going to lean on the Cute Crutch today. Recently, I have foisted her sweet face upon you too much. I am not sorry and I can’t say I won’t resort to those cheap tactics again but for now I am going to actually post a real entry. With lots of words.

Most of you know that I finished my radiation therapy last Wednesday. I am pretty happy to have this part behind me, as I was getting rather crispy. This means that I am officially through with my treatment. What surgeries I have ahead of me are more preventive. This is also the case with the medication I will have to take.

When I think of my treatments being over my first reaction is one of relief and happiness. I mean because, really, they sucked. But that is quickly overshadowed by feelings of unease and worry. When I was diagnosed with cancer my immediate thought was, “What do I have to do to get rid of it?” I am a pretty proactive person. Now that my treatments are over I feel at a loss. Like I should be doing something. While chemo and radiation are very aggressive treatments somehow I can’t help but wonder if they are enough. Like I should have to do more drastic things to get rid of the cancer. Like maybe this is a bit too easy.

Of course then I immediately think that I am being silly. Who would want to wish nastier treatments for themselves? And I really don’t. Mostly I just don’t want to go through this again. So I am torn between celebrating and fretting. Fortunately for me I have heard this is pretty normal. Yet it is still conflicting.

So no parties or celebrations at the Krankipad but I did completely poop out staying in my pjs from Wednesday night to Sunday afternoon. Frankly I am feeling pretty tired and just don’t really want to do anything. I don’t know if I am just exhausted from all the treatments or mentally flattened by all the stress. Probably a bit of both. So for now I am laying low and spending some quality time with my couch. I had hoped I would start to get my motivation back to start doing exercising tapes and cleaning my apartment and doing more Christmas shopping but I just can’t seem to get going on that. Maybe I am being too hard on myself and need some down time. Or maybe I need to channel my inner gymnast and kick my own self in the ass.

So next on the Breast Cancer Agenda is my bilateral mastectomy on January 23rd, 2006. At this time they will put in tissue expanders to make room for implants. This Wednesday I see my chemo oncologist for a check up and I believe she will prescribe some sort of estrogen inhibitor or Tamoxifen. I have no idea what kind of side effects are in store for me but I think overall I will feel better about doing something to keep this crappy cancer away.

So there you go. Nothing about Yoshi.


Jeannette said...

Congratulations on being done with treatment! What a huge accomplishment, And to get through it and think, even for a fleeting moment that it might have been too easy, is an even bigger accomplishment. We seem to approach things very similarly with the same mind set. The waiting for "what if" or have I done enough can be hell. You can channel all that on getting through surgery. The first few days are really tough, but once it starts to get better, you turn the corner very quickly.

It is really normal to feel so wiped out. Take it easy and be gentle with yourself. Once your energy comes back it will feel as though you ar coming back to life. It will happen slowly and then one day you will realize you feel great.

I promise.

JessicaRabbit said...

No yoshi, but lots of boobie talk.

Lady, I am happy your done with all the ray beams, and that you did not grow tenticles. Or testicles. Or anything that ends in icles really.

I cant imagine what your going through, but I have a very strong feeling you will come through all this with flying colors. And then I will come visit you and bring my big puppy and we will both give you slobby kisses.

Take good care of yourself, sleep whenever you want, snuggle your baby and know that we all want the very best for you.

katietoyboy said...

You are doing a brilliant job kicking ass already. Your body is healing itself while you snooze and preparing itself for the next stage.

Why not take a photo of jessica's boobies to your doc and say 'I want one of those and one of those, thank you very much'

By springtime you will be unfurling a shiny new healthy kranki. Why not plan something exciting for yourself to do when all this is completed, a trip maybe. I would be happy to help fund this and I'm sure others would wish to also.

abcd said...

Everything you said and everything you feel is what everyone else feels. I will spare you all the medical mumbo jumbo I could write, you have heard that from your doctor's. I will say listen to your body, don't be hard on yourself. Do whatever you want to do. You will know when you feel it is time to do something besides lounge on the couch. Your body has been through hell. It takes a toll and while the treatment is over your body doesnt know that quite yet. (And I did say I would spare you the medical mumbo jumbo). I do not normally use the "F" word, but Sarah would pull out that word. I can hear Sarah telling you the following "Fuck it-do what you want to do and don't worry". I am so very happy for you. And I will tell all of the sister's.

I think you are seeing what we call the light at the end of the tunnel. I think this calls for a very, very, very large candy bar!!!


ScottyGee said...

Take yourself a break woman. You deserve it. I can't wait for you to get teh surgery and move on to the next phase of your life. You'll be forever changed, but it will be in a good way. Plus, you'll be around for a lot longer to crush your cat's head. So glad your treatments are over. My Mom's are just beginning. I hope she makes it through with as much strength and humor as you did. =)

Bucky Four-Eyes said...

I would not consider what you've been through as "maybe a bit too easy". :) The fact that you do says a lot about your huge cajonas (relax, Jess - I'm speaking figuratively). Chill, wear your jammies all you want, and feel free to throw your crushed cat at us anytime. We like Yoshi, too. Crushed and non-crushed.

Actually, I think I have a crush on Yoshi.

hemlock said...

I can totally see why you feel like you are doing nothing...but you are so not.

I think you are being a little hard on yourself, but it's totally understandable.

After going through such hard core treatments, it makes absolute sense that you now feel like you're doing nothing.

Take the time to do your own self care. Especially before the crazy Christmas season. I think it's great that you spent the majority of last week in your jammers...

kalki said...

I understand what you're saying - it's the feeling of not DOING anything that makes you uneasy. As long as you're actively having treatments, you feel like you're doing all you can and that thought is comforting. Now that they are over, you can't help but wonder if maybe there's something you could be DOING. I guess you have to trust that what's been done is enough, but I get how that would be difficult. Especially when what you most need to do now is cuddle the couch - which feels like you're doing nothing at all.

But congratulations are clearly in order! I'm so proud of you. And honestly, I think maintaining your inner strength and spirit is the most important thing you have done during this process, and that's something you will continue to do.

Sharkey said...

Hooray for being finished! But not so much for being done (in the cooked crispy flesh sense).

Even though the 'active' stage of your treatment is complete, the Tamoxifen/Arimidex pills you'll take will continue to help fight those nasty cells. And I believe that keeping your positive attitude (which you've done very well) doesn't hurt either.

Don't worry about what you "should" be doing. Relax and do what your body tells you.

happyandblue2 said...

Woohoo for you. You are the champion.
Now quit being so lazy and get exercising. That, or relax for a while and bask in the greatness that is you..

stampydurst said...

Congratulations on being done with yet another step in this extensive journey.

If only you could teach Yoshi to mix up some icy cold martinis and some spicy snacks...oh well, she'll just have to let you crush her head for fun.

And I prescribe some humor therapy. While you're lying on the couch (which you so deserve to do), take the time to revisit some comedy classics like "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" or some Fawlty Towers episodes. That's what this doctor orders.

Nessa said...

Time has flown, it seems. You're done - finito! You will probably be different...feel different...from here on out. But I bet you change lives. I bet you do good. I bet you take those new ta-ta's and show other women that are in a seemingly desperate situation how it can turn out!! Lay around girl - you deserve it!

Divine Calm said...

Just keep on telling yourself that you are getting a new pair of boobies. Whoo-hoo!!!

Dima said...

You have made it through the hard part. I can't believe the strength you have. You are just amazing. So glad you're done with your treatment, now relax and prepare for the new boobies! I know you'll be playing with them for a while after you get them, before you get used to them. I would go around and be like "hey, touch my new boobs. Aren't they great?" :)

snaps79 said...

I can't believe how fast time flies. But, luckily, there was good news at the end of the time flying, so I can't complain. Thanks for teaching us about cancer, and about how to kick it's ass. You are a Canadian Idol. And, you could probably pass for an American one, too.

eclectic said...

Party!!!!! Kranki's done with radiation and chemo!!!!!! I am so happy for you, and so awed by your courage, honesty and beauty! This next phase will become your new normal, just as these more rigorous stages were "normal" for that period. I truly believe that "normal" is an ever-changing, ever-developing state and this is just the next cycle of it. You'll kick its butt, just like you kicked chemo and radiation, and you'll live life more fully because of the experiences you've had. You ROCK! You know that don't you?

Squirl said...

Sounds like you're giving your body time to heal. Cancer treatments have been pretty rough on it and you shouldn't feel lazy for giving it the time it needs.

You are everything everyone else has been saying. When I need strength I will be thinking of you as my example.

spoonleg said...

SWEET RELIEF, Kranki... that's what I feel, and you should too. You've been through a lot! You kicked that crappy cancer's ass and it is NOT coming back (at least, not if nurse spoonleg has anything to say about it). I know it must be hard to feel like you have to just "wait and see", but you can't think about it in those terms. You are a VERY positive person, so I know you have it in you to say, GOOD RIDDANCE and set your mind at ease. Relax! Enjoy your holidays! Give Yoshi kisses and snuggles! Get your chesticles ready for the big surgery and start practicing your porn star poses in the mirror now. I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, KRANKI!

PS- There's a package coming your way! Oscar says to tell Yoshi, "meow!"

Mrs B said...

Yay! Yay! Yay! You have come through this with grace and wit! Yahoo for you!
There is a bit of a let down after a whirlwind of proactive activity and then the wait and see portion feels somewhat lame. Embrace the lameness! You've only got a few weeks before you have your next proactive steps...languish in the jammies, sushi and chocolate...I am bringing you lots soon!

Love love love,

Mrs B

Amanda B. said...

Aw HoneyBunny. I'm sorry you are feeling stressed. It sounds like what you are going through emotionally is perfectly normal. I think you are one brave chickadee.

Email me would ya? I needs to ask you somthing.

Von Krankipantzen said...

jeannette-I guess I am being too ambitious with my recovery. It has only been a week. I will take each day as it comes and just get prepared for surgery. Thanks.

Jess-thanks so much. You are very sweet to me.

katieboytoy-that is a good idea. A family friend has offered me their condo in Honolulu anytime next summer/fall. I am thinking that just might be what the doc ordered. Show off the new hoots too.

SWLF-Nikki-I am listening to you, the expert. I have been taking it easy and have decided to lay off of the aerobics for a couple weeks at least. Thanks for your sweet advice.

scottygee-you are so right. I will just look forward to the next phase. I am sooo totally positive your mom will kick ass with her treatments. Us ladies are pretty tough.

bucky-I am thinking this cancer has given me a certain street cred. I will get out there and kick ass once I get off the couch.

leafgirl77-you are so right. I have not yet finished my Christmas shopping and I think that is the biggest challenge of all.

kalki-you are exactly right. I have been so busy DOING treatment that I feel a little lost without it. Thanks so much for the kind words.

sharkey-you are the expert so I will totally relax for a few weeks until I feel that perkiness come back.

Happyandblue2-I think I am gonna take a week off or so and then I can start the process of thinking about getting off my lazy ass. Only thinking, mind you.

stampydurst-You are very wise. I got a funny movie today that I will watch this week. Good idea.

nesssa-I hope I grow as a person through this. I certainly feel very blessed to have met you all.

divine calm-Yes, I have that to look forward to. Hopefully a bigger cup size too.

dima-honestly, if my new tatas turn out well I will totally be showing them off. Not before I get to know every square inch of them myself. HAHAHAHAH!

hdl-WOW! Thanks! Honestly, I cannot belive how quickly time flew by even though there were times it wasn't going by fast enough. I have sorta amnesia about the whole thing.

eclectic-how smart you are. It is so true that most things that were terrible and weird now are totaly normal and not so bad. The mind is amazing.

squirl-that is so sweet. I cannot imagine being a role model for anybody. That is really sweet of you to say.

spoonleg-You are totally spoiling me ROTTEN! Thanks so much. For everything.

mrsb-languish is such a great word. Really gooey. I am going to be really gooey on the couch.

amandab-I would love to email you but I cannot find your email address on your blog. You can email me at crankypantsATshawDOTca. Or can anybody else email me Amanda B's email address? Thanks!

Twisteduterus said...

Rest. You have gone through a lot, toy are strong adn the motivation to do more physical things will come, just give it time.

In the mean time enjoy the time with your couch.

Susie said...

I don't have words to tell you how much I admire how you've gone through this, how you've inspired everyone who visits, and how very, very much I want you to be healthy. And you are, and you will be.

Now, it seems to me, when an actual M.D. (Nikki) comes to your site and gives you the advice (from Sarah) to "fuck it," then that's pretty much what you should do. I had to run and get a song for the occasion, that I saw at Lois Lane's recently.

Kassi said...

Woo Hooo! I'm so happy for you that you are done with the treatment...and yes, staying in pajammy pants on the couch for a week is definitely in order. Take it easy on yourself. Read a book, watch movies, tons of them...there is plenty of time for all that other stuff.

cheers and love.

john boy said...

As you can tell, we are all still here for you as you enter your next stage. I think what you are feeling now is very normal.

I am also a very proactive person. When I found out I was sick I completely threw myself into the process of learning all I could and figuring out how to cure myself. I really kept my doctors on their toes. I was reading everything and often introducing recent research and procedures to my doctors that they were not aware of. I pushed for the most immediate and aggresive treatment. It worked. I beat huge odds and have been well for about 5 years now. When it was over I also thought "now what?" It had consumed so much of my life and mind. Now it was over. My life was mine again. It is a very conflicting feeling.

Good luck :)

mrtl said...

Here's to expanding tissue! heehee

Bill said...

You are the centre of the Universe. Your only focus is yourself. PJ's on the couch is the right thing to do.

Take care.


Margie said...

Here's to finishing your cancer treatments. !!! Best to you at Christmas and the New Year. Hope the new breasts are fabulous! Keep your positive outlook and I will be thinking of you as this journey you have been on comes to an end.

Minerva said...

Here's to finishing..but the battle isn't over..I have heard a lot that it is tough afterwards and I think you are being too hard on yourself... You need time, lady, to get back to the sassy, energetic woman you were..and give it to yourself...

So pleased to meet you and thank you for the comments on my blog..


Von Krankipantzen said...

twisted u-I am going to become one with the couch. Totally experience the Zen Of Couch.

susie-thank you so much for the kind words. And the link to the song. That song sums it up pretty good. I like the song

kassi-thanks you for the vote of couchy confidence.

john boy-thanks for the support and kind words. I didn't know that you were sick too. Or maybe you told me and I have forgotten in my chemo induced forgetfulness. Forgive me if this is the case. So glad that you are feeling well after all this time. Good news.

mrtl-keep your fingers crossed that the tissue expands well and I can get me an upgraded rack of hooties.

bill-thanks for that. Centre of the universe sounds great to me.

margie-thanks for being so sweet. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and yours.

minerva-yeah, it certainly ain't over but I fortunately still feel like it is doable. I'll be continuing to check out your blog. Please take care of yourself.

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