No, there is no Yoshi in this post. I am not going to lean on the Cute Crutch today. Recently, I have foisted her sweet face upon you too much. I am not sorry and I can’t say I won’t resort to those cheap tactics again but for now I am going to actually post a real entry. With lots of words.
Most of you know that I finished my radiation therapy last Wednesday. I am pretty happy to have this part behind me, as I was getting rather crispy. This means that I am officially through with my treatment. What surgeries I have ahead of me are more preventive. This is also the case with the medication I will have to take.
When I think of my treatments being over my first reaction is one of relief and happiness. I mean because, really, they sucked. But that is quickly overshadowed by feelings of unease and worry. When I was diagnosed with cancer my immediate thought was, “What do I have to do to get rid of it?” I am a pretty proactive person. Now that my treatments are over I feel at a loss. Like I should be doing something. While chemo and radiation are very aggressive treatments somehow I can’t help but wonder if they are enough. Like I should have to do more drastic things to get rid of the cancer. Like maybe this is a bit too easy.
Of course then I immediately think that I am being silly. Who would want to wish nastier treatments for themselves? And I really don’t. Mostly I just don’t want to go through this again. So I am torn between celebrating and fretting. Fortunately for me I have heard this is pretty normal. Yet it is still conflicting.
So no parties or celebrations at the Krankipad but I did completely poop out staying in my pjs from Wednesday night to Sunday afternoon. Frankly I am feeling pretty tired and just don’t really want to do anything. I don’t know if I am just exhausted from all the treatments or mentally flattened by all the stress. Probably a bit of both. So for now I am laying low and spending some quality time with my couch. I had hoped I would start to get my motivation back to start doing exercising tapes and cleaning my apartment and doing more Christmas shopping but I just can’t seem to get going on that. Maybe I am being too hard on myself and need some down time. Or maybe I need to channel my inner gymnast and kick my own self in the ass.
So next on the Breast Cancer Agenda is my bilateral mastectomy on January 23rd, 2006. At this time they will put in tissue expanders to make room for implants. This Wednesday I see my chemo oncologist for a check up and I believe she will prescribe some sort of estrogen inhibitor or Tamoxifen. I have no idea what kind of side effects are in store for me but I think overall I will feel better about doing something to keep this crappy cancer away.
So there you go. Nothing about Yoshi.