Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Monday, September 26, 2005

Barney Gone Bad

I am an animal lover. However, there are a few animals that I find much easier to love when they are far away from me. Animals that fall into this category are snakes, reptiles, bugs, bears, and anything that has a strong odour, slime or lots of germs. I really do love them but at a distance. Idealistically.

Many years ago I worked in a very funky shoe store. It was not uncommon to get punk rockers come in with rats or snakes hiding in pockets or under shirts. Love the rats and the snakes but I really don’t want to touch them, or smell them. Don’t want to kill them either but am not all warm and fuzzy over them.

One day it was particularly busy at the shoe store and I had to squeeze by this guy who was blocking the door to the back room. I did not notice until I was right next to him that he had a fricking huge iguana sitting on his shoulder wearing a strange pink lacy collar and leash. Not entirely unlike a gargoyle in drag. I couldn’t help myself but I think the phrase, “EW!” slipped past my lips. Totally involuntarily. Its tail, after all, was about four feet long and almost touched the ground. Very icky but I meant “EW!” in a totally loving and respectful way. Gargoyle Boy grinned at me and my squeamishness. I was a silly girl. When I returned to the sales floor the reptile and its boy were nowhere in sight and I proceeded to kneel on the floor to unpack some shoes for a customer. Suddenly I felt four scratchy little claws scrabble to find purchase on the back of my sweater. Lizard Fucker had decided to teach me a lesson. The lizard was crawling up my back towards my head. My customer ran away leaving me at its mercy. I was alone.

Instantaneously I started to sweat. A lot. The beast felt surprisingly heavy and I could feel its tail drape over my back as it reached and actually dragged on the ground. It was all I could do not to run screaming from the store or drop and roll to scrape it off. I stayed very still because even though I had never been so freaked in my life I didn’t want to hurt the thing. That, I suppose was the love kicking in. Yes, it was love but it was not enough to bathe me in a light of wellbeing and acceptance. I just wanted it OFF! It was at that moment that I started to whisper-scream “Get it off get it off get it off get it off get it off…” to anybody who was willing to listen. Nobody was. Most folks had backed away leaving a cleared area around me. A vast clear area. I was totally alone. Except for the iguana. Finally after what seemed like years Bastard Owner Boy swooped in to save the day. The only problem was that he couldn’t get the lizard off as it had tangled is creepy little claws into my sweater. Scritch scritch scritch. He tugged and pulled and I could see, out of the corner of my eye, the dinosaur’s green pointy face freakily close to my ear. Too close. Finally, with a strange Velcro-like sound, the tyrannosaurus rex was detached from my person. I was free. Asshole Reptile Tamer laughed at me, outright mocked my fear in parting, and left the store.

I know it was not the lizard’s fault. He was blameless in the whole incident. I love animals. I hate people though.


JessicaRabbit said...

That guy sounds like an ass. Nick was a dirty punker boy in his youth and he was guilty of traveling around with his pet rat in his pocket, used to take it to school with him all the time, and our skateboarding. I dont think he ever sicked it on someones sweater though.

Your a much nicer person then I am, I would of hit him. The asshole, not the iguana. I wouldnt want to be known as "That lizard puncher girl"

SassyFemme said...

Oh my God! I swear I would have screamed like a crazy woman. What a jerk that guy was, though!

LadyBug said...

Okay, and see, I totally freaked out last night because a very small green bug landed in my hair.

I would have fallen over dead at the iguana incident.


Vanessa said...

I am feeling quite disturbed now. What a jerk. He doesn't deserve to have a pet of any sort.

Oh, I would have screamed like a six-year-old and then kicked the owner in his immature balls.

Bucky Four-Eyes said...

I don't have a problem with rats or reptiles, but that just ain't right to surprise you like that.

What if you had been the type to freak out and roll on the iguana? I fear for the poor little dragon's safety with a dick like that on the other end of his leash.

ScottyGee said...

We have so much in common. I hate people too!

I would have kicked the owner in the McNuggets.

Nessa said...

What a JACKASS! I used to have an iguana, but I know he freaked people out and would never have done something like that!

kalki said...

Yeah, what Scotty Gee said. Dude deserved a quick kick. And I hate people, too.

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

I keep seeing you when I leave comments so I thought I'd visit. I love cats too and thought I'd share this site with you. Don't let the name mislead you. It's cute.


Von Krankipantzen said...

jess-that is kinda cool- Lizard Puncher Girl. I would have punched him but I was limp as a dishrag from the fear.

sassy-honestly I was too scared to scream. I was scared it would bite me if I did.

ladybug-I am not a fan of the bugs either. I have been known to scream from the bugs.

vanessa-I should have kicked him in the sack. Honestly!

bucky-I sure as hell don't inflict my cat on people. What if it had bitten me or something?

scottygee-AH! Fellow h-8-er. Rock on!

silly-do they bite? I have always wondered if it could have bitten me.

kalki-h-8 on Sista!

Von Krankipantzen said...

dr. serani-we crossed paths commenting. Loved that site. Played for several minutes. Thanks for the link!

Squirl said...

We had rats for pets when I lived with my parents. I liked the little guys. But that was such a stupid thing for iguana boy to do. He could have hurt you and his iguana.

Closet Metro said...

Giant A-hole. And what if the iguana's claws wrecked your sweater? If they snagged the crap out of it, would He-who-should-be-kicked-right-square-in-the- Nutsicles have the decency to offer to pay for the damage?

People suck.

JessicaRabbit said...

You could of been bitten and it could of been bad, they can get pretty agressive and their bites can go deep. The guy was an asshole and I hope at some point someone somewhere DID punch him right in the junk.

JessicaRabbit said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kassi said...

people so suck.
tonight, I'll drink a glass of wine in your honor...well I was going to drink a glass of wine anyway, maybe I'll drink another one in your honor. I can't frikkin type. I've already had a that means I have to have two more.

At some point in time that guy was kicked in the junk. How do I know? Anyone who dresses thier lizard in pink lace is hated.

mrtl said...


You've had some interesting jobs, Kranki. More stories?

whfropera said...

When I was doing opera in Baltimore, there was a guy who used to hang at the local watering hole who dressed his lizard up in a full set of bike leathers and walked around with him on his should er. I never saw the lizard drink a beer, though.

fueltank said...

I wish I was in Tijuana...

Holy Mother of Fuck, what is it with people who figure it is their singular duty to ensure that you share their every pecadillo and prediliction?

Yeah, great, your best friend is cold-blooded and eats fucking crickets, why the fuck should I care? Go out and pay something warm-blooded to teach you a lesson in interacting with the living, you gravestone sucking loser!

...eating barbecued Iguana

Amanda B. said...

Dude. If I'd been there I would have kicked that guy in the nut. What a crappy thing to do! I'll save you Kranki!!

Ern said...

OMG, what a jerk!

Did the claws ruin your sweater? Because that definitely would have deserved a kick in the nuts.

east village idiot said...


Once when I was in fifth grade someone put a gerbel on my head and I nearly had a stroke! Your story friggin flipped me out. Why didn't someone from the store call security or the police? Maybe I'll go get me one of them big fat alligators down south and track down your iguana friend. Let's see how that "hat" fits on his double dumb ass head!

Okay - so I'm regressing to 7th grade.

Von Krankipantzen said...

squirl-he was lucky I didn't drop and roll. That was my first instinct. I like rats better.

closet m-I don't remember if the sweater was picked but I do remember I wanted to wash it immediately. Yuck!

Jess-I had wondered about that. So glad he didn't chomp me. Maybe he chomped dorkus's schnuts later on.

kassi-good point. Dressing the lizard in pink lace was junk kicking worthy. Hope those glasses of wine made everything much better.

mrtl-the jobs were mostly menial and boring. My customers and co-workers were far more interesting.

whfropera-that is so wrong on so many levels. Especially if the jacket was made from reptile skin.

fuel-I wish I had been that articulate at the time. I was pretty speechless...

amanda b-I wish you had been there for me. Everybody else ran away pretty quick. Chickens!

ern-I don't remember if the sweater was wrecked. But if you all had been around at the time this guy's nuts would have been decimated. Cool!

easty-so you have had a similar heart stopping moment. So wrong. I just don't get why people do that!

song said...

I am one of those weird girls who loves snakes and rats. Mice, ew, rats - very cuddly. Snakes - so totally beautiful. Iguanas - no. they have claws people. not cute cuddly kitty claws but, as in this example - sweater demolishing claws.

Mind you despite the screamwhispering and the total sweaty fear couldn't you possibly have managed to get a photo of the damn collar. that's some shit I wanna see.