Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

The Dating Lame

I was visiting at Scotty Gee’s blog today and he was telling stories about his recent dating situation. He says things are really bad. I soooo relate Mr. Scottyhotpants. I have to admit I gave up on dating years ago. Like Scotty, I prefer to sort of know the person in a friendship way before moving on to dating. I have never been too keen on the idea of blind dates or dating type services. I just want it to happen naturally. How naive, I know. You would think that working in the film industry I would be exposed to a large dating pool of eligible men. Not so much and the few single guys I met were not interested in me. Here is the type of guy who asked me out from the film world:

1. Married men.
2. Men over the age of 55
3. Crazy ‘creative types’ who think the sun shines out of their asses. IE: Actors
4. A combination of the above

I have a hard and fast rule about dating married men. That would be NO! I don’t date men who have kids my age. That is just creepy. And I don’t date men who I have to fight for space at the mirror. No, you cannot borrow my bronzer…

Not to mention that I worked in the costume department and if I was not actually on the set I was surrounded by women. Lots of women. Or gay men.

I once went out with a very talented editor who was smart, funny, good looking and gainfully employed. What is the problem? He was totally nuts. He honestly thought he was God’s gift to the universe and that is really hard to be around. For instance, I warned him about my cat Yoshi and how she does not like to be petted by strangers. So he goes on and on how he is so special and that all animals love him and so would my cat. I reiterated how it was really not a good idea for him to touch her. He shrugged off my warning and tried to pet her. She hissed at him and gave him a swipe. So what does he do? He gets mad and insults her by saying she is about as smart as a bag of hammers. This is no way to capture my heart. This is my baby he is talking about. So when I get pissed I can get a bit mouthy. What was my reply? “The sooner you realise this the better off you will be. This cat’s hind leg is one thousand times more important to me than you are. I thought you should know.” He was totally insulted and the relationship, if you could call it that, didn’t go on much longer. I was totally fine with that and so was Yoshi.

It is hard enough to try and find somebody who is ok with dating a person with an anxiety disorder. I can totally understand that. I absolutely have limitations that can make being around me a little strange. Not to mention the fact that I don’t drink or do drugs. That has been a problem for guys before. But now I wonder what it will be like to go out into the single world again as a person who has had breast cancer as well. I will have some pretty serious scars. Mentally and physically. I expect my headspace might be different from what it was. How could it not be? My perception of my life and my body has had to drastically change. I also expect to have a double mastectomy in the near future and even with reconstruction my “fun sacks” are not going to be entirely fun. They are not going to be ‘perfect’ and I don’t know exactly how I am going to feel about them. They might even look a bit scary. I don’t know. But boobies are important to a lot of guys. Too important. Just look at all the ladies getting implants. The next guy in my life is going to have to be very understanding about what has happened to me.

He is also going to have to be an ass man.


SassyFemme said...

If the boobs are too important to a guy, then the guy is so not worth it!

I am a Milliner's Dream, a woman of many "hats"... said...

Another great, honest post, Kranki. I think you and Scotty ought to hook up. ;)


Sharkey said...

Your last line was awesome--it totally made me LOL (and I never use that expression). I always tell J.P. it's a good thing he's an ass man because mine's getting bigger every day.

If he's not understanding about what you've been through, why would you want him?

mrtl said...

Does this mean you don't like nuts? Walnuts even? (I am asking this seriously and request a response, please.)

This is a great post. So true.

east village idiot said...

Kranki -

You've laid out a lot of heavy stuff here. Not that you need my two cents but I've known enough men and women (and I mean that in the biblical sense) in my life to have figured out a thing or two.

Keep on embracing life and embracing your bad beautiful self and you will come upon the happiness you seek.

I saw your pictures - you are beautiful.

Don't worry about the rack situation. I used to have the perkiest breasts this side of the Mississippi - then I breast fed for a year and suddenly my boobie balloons got popped.

And trust me...there are TONS more ass men out there than they'll ever admit.

As for anxiety disorders....come to NYC and take a friggin number!

Von Krankipantzen said...

sassyfemme-I couldn't agree more but is there a guy out there who would be cool with it all? Time will tell.

milliner-well, Scotty is sure a catch. That is for sure. But he is east coast and I am west. He is American and I am Canadian. I am not even sure if he likes older women.

sharkey-a big can is a sexy can! That is what I say. And I coudn't agree more - I wouldn't want a guy like that. Let's just hope there is a great guy for me out there.

mrtl-actually funny that you ask as I am not a huge fan of nuts. I like hazel nuts, almonds and peanuts. That is about it. Why?

easty-that is such a kind comment. I will do what I have always done. Just live my life as I love to and if somebody comes along who wants to share it then great. But overall I am totally OK on my own.

ScottyGee said...

HEhehe. I am being pawned off to all the single ladies in Blogville now. Thanks for the compliments Kranki!

Anxiety disorders are no biggies. Everyone has one these days.

I think the new fun bags will look just fine. Besides if some guy is dating you purely for your boobs, then he is probably not a keeper. Definitely not a keeper. Besides, ass is where it's at!

You'll come out of this chemo feeling more confident and stronger... ready to tackle the world. Trust me. Your newfound confidence will draw the dudes to you like a gravitational field. You'll probably also feel better about approaching those guys you want to approach.

I just think it's so tough in todays society to real get to meet new people. Once you are out of college you get stuck in a routine and you are no longer surrounded with people your age. It's just difficult. I am firm believer in hope and just living your life the way you want to and that makes you the happiest and then all things will follow.

So just be happy and post some picture of those funbags when you get them. Hahaa. You'll rival JessicaRabbit!

Von Krankipantzen said...

scottygee-you are so right. It IS hard to meet people these days. Really hard. We mustn't give up. I have always lived with the belief that if I just lived my life and did what I enjoyed that I would eventually meet somebody. Hasn't worked out yet but I have hope. I am so thankful that I am happy on my own. I would hate to feel needy. I also think that this whole cancer thing will make me a better person in the end. And maybe I will just get better boobies out of the deal too. And yes, I will post pics. You flirt!

fueltank said...

An ass man, huh? A side of you I haven't seen before. In so many ways, Sweety. Except for that one time we went swimming...

The problem with Yoshi is that her eyes are too close together and they press on her brain, making her unruly and Aunty Social. Plus she has that squirrel thing, which shame prevents her from embracing.

It never made sense to me that the men of Vancouver didn't line up to ask you out. Maybe you need to move out of the West End? Okay, at least away from Davie Street then.

I think part of the problem is that there are not many people who can accept your honesty and up-front nature. It is somewhat ironic that your ability to share this journey with the world (okay, the world with internet access) grows from an openness and honesty that many people find hard to accept. You live in a city where pretence is the norm, and your realism can be threatening.

This I know, believe me.

It isn't about where you live, though, but about how you live. I think you can intimidate people who don't know you. Physically you are pretty damn sweet (Nice ass!) and that can make you seem hard to approach. And it doesn't take long for people to figure out that you are not going to play games (well, okay, you will play some games, but not on the first date) or fuck around with anything less than the open and honest truth.

That scares people, as it requires a real strength of character to live that way. You, my dear, are a bit of a challenge. There. I've said it and I can't take it back. Okay, I could re-type, but I won't.

This is not about baggage, or hang-ups or psychosis or any other thing that people usually freak about. It is about a personality that can be unrelenting in it's acceptance and investigation of what is. Many people are frightened by that.

I think that sometimes you make people feel inferior, as though they have been caught hiding something that they wish they could just blurt out and accpet. You show them up, and without judgement (excpet for that one guy, but he was an asshole) which is a rare quality.

All of which is why I like you. Not because you make me feel inferior (I can do that without your help, thankyouverymuch) but because you don't fuck around with bullshit. Who else would watch Temptation Island with me while eating Wendy's and TimBits, and not feel any shame?

I wish I could say that you will meet Mr. Right and live happily ever after, but I can't. It may not happen. Happily ever after isn't a world you or I will likely ever inhabit.

What would we talk about?

Squirl said...

You are a whole person. Not just some simpering little female ready to do anything to please a man. That probably would be intimidating to a man who's not ready for a real woman. You just keep being who you are. If a man can't handle you as you are then you won't be happy with him anyway.

LadyBug said...

So, your ideal man is a proctologist?


(I'm so sorry. I couldn't resist.)

I can't even imagine the 'body issues' that go along with breast cancer and the treatment thereof, Kranki. And as much as we all know that beauty comes from within, we - us females-types, that is - all have issues with our bodies, and it must be frightening to have those worries compounded in such a dramatic way.

But we can all see what a beautiful soul you are, just through your words here. Surely a kind and loving man (there are a few still out there, I believe) wouldn't have to look too hard to see how lovely you are - inside and out.

I wish you every happiness, dear. You deserve it.

snaps79 said...


On everything you said.

I don't have much luck in the dating arena, either, because I subconsiously pick men who are unavailable in one way or another (usually not in to commitment). So, I'm removing myself from the game for a while and just letting nature take it's course.

Deep down I really hope I'm not a person who is meant to be single forever, but if that's the case, I'll settle into it.

Where's a crystal ball when I fucking need one??

jac said...

Hilarious !!! Wow !! the last line.

eclectic said...


Fueltank said it well. Heck, everyone said it well here today. I'm just chiming in to agree. Whoever that guy is is one hella lucky man.

Candace said...

Ditto. To everyone, but especially FuelTank with the "Aunty Social". Cracked me right up!

I don't have any doubts that you'll meet the right person for you.

Udge said...

I spat tea over my desk when I heard you say "older women". From where I stand, 36 is young and sassy.

Von Krankipantzen said...

Fuel-you are too sweet to me. I never thought that my "no bullshit" policy might be intimidating to others. I just thought I didn't know how to flirt. Yeah, I have never been one for games and keeping my thoughts in my head. I guess it will either be and big turn on or turn off. Depends on the poor sucker who hooks up with me!

squirl-you are so right. If a guy likes a useless, simpering woman they are not going to like me. I would rather be alone than be fake.

ladybug-thanks for being so kind. I think a proctologist would be cool. I wouldn't have to tone down fart humour or anything. Assman indeed!

hdl-no kidding! I wish I had a crystal ball too. Dating is so HARD!!! And such a PROCESS!! I think it is very cool to be ok on your own. You make better life decisions that way.

jac-I say it how I see it.

eclectic-thanks so much for saying that. I hope he will think he is lucky.

misfit-fuel tank is one clever guy. I laughed about that too.

udge-well, OLDER than scottygee anyway.

Closet Metro said...

the last line made me laugh.
and raise my hand. ;)

dating sucks. so does lonliness.

chocolate, however, is mighty good.

whfropera said...

amen sistah!
I have a feeling you and I probably could really share some actor/director/designer stories...there's a reason why you hear a lot of divorce stories in that industry.
and i pretty much agree with everyone, especially about how fabuloso you are - although I do have to remind HDL that it gets MUCH harder at 40 - when your friends/family all get married and start having kids, you really start to feel alone, especially when they all start shutting you out of everything because you're not part of a "couple with kids".
and I also agree w/ScottyGee - bars suck big-time - going out drinking really starts to lose its cool factor fast.

fueltank said...

Okay, for how long have I been telling you that you know how to flirt? Shit, girl, I know from flirting -- you, Babe-o-rilla, are a flirt flirt. And you're flirtable.

Iggy Pop Houston Is Hot Tonight

...and so is Kranki.

spoonleg said...

you are such a CATCH, krank! The problem is that there are more ass HOLES than there are ass MEN. (Not that I'm a man basher, but c'mon- HE INSULTED YOSHI!!!) But I know that you're a strong person fully capable of finding happiness within YOURSELF without depending on a partner, and if a perfect partner should come along for you to share that happiness with, then YIPPEE! The point being, of course, that you're fully capable of being satisfied and successful on your own. Plus, your boobs are gonna look KILLER after the surgery. Trust me. No, they won't ever the be SAME, but they're gonna be fabulous none the less. :)

Susie said...

OK, somehow, somewhere this week, some country song lyrics got stuck in my head, and they're fighting to come out here now: Oh, how you sparkle, and oh how you shine. There. You are special. Inside and out. You don't deserve a cat-insulting asshat. You deserve someone of your own high quality. I, too, am partial to ass men, because, well, they've been the ones partial to me. You will find your ass man, kranki. Or he will find you. When you least expect it, probably. You put out such good stuff, sweetie; it has to be on its way back to you right about now. Just has to be.