Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Pick Of The Crop

There is an apartment building behind my house that accommodates a few weird tenants. Over the years the vast majority of the really annoying ones have moved out. Like the professional photographer who was partial to late night shoots. It was not uncommon to be woken by his persistent strobe. Fucker. Then there were the Middle Eastern guys who would gather for late night Persian music festivals. Fuckers. But one weirdo remains. The Face Picker. I have a very unfortunate view of this lady from my kitchen. Every week or so she sets up a mirror on her window sill and scrapes her bangs off her face with hair clips for a 'Picking of Face' session lasting several gruesome hours. She picks and plucks and squeezes and pops. Seriously gross.

The first year of my tenancy there was a horrible incident in the house. The brother of the upstairs neighbour, who used to walk around with his cute shirtless self but that is another story, had a wild party. I remember it well as early in the morning I came upon a passed out dude lying in a pool of his own vomit right in front of my door. In any case that too is another story. I'll get back to the original tale. The party guests spent most of the evening on the fire escape, which faces this lovely lady's apartment. I guess she was quite taken with these cute young boys and started flirting from her window. I guess the guys were toasting her with their beer bottles. I guess she got her own bottle of beer and started toasting the guys back. I guess they made kissy faces and grabbed their crotches. I guess she hiked up her skirt a little. I guess they guys cheered her on a little more. I guess she liked that too. What happened next is something I really don't want to think about very much but the story in the house was that this fine upstanding lady, well into her 40' inserted that beer bottle where the sun don't shine right in front of this group of young impressionable boys. I do remember hearing a chorus of disgusted noises and embarrassed laughter that night but didn't know what it all meant at the time. It because obvious later once I was privy to the story. She cleared that fire escape faster than actual flames would.

Whenever I see her picking at her face in the window (AKA: The Scene Of The Crime) I can only think about this incident. And then I throw up in my mouth a little.

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scribe said...

Reminds me of the old Kids in the Hall skit: "I'm pinching your face..."

Closet Metro said...


Damn is my neighborhood boring.

Squirl said...

Ugh! You know, when I first started reading this post I misread apartment building as armpit building. Somehow, that seems more appropriate.

Wasn't the Kids in the Hall thing, "I'm crushing your head"? Or was that poetic license. :-)

east village idiot said...

Jesus Mary and Joseph! I've seen my neighbors do lots of things but that one takes the cake. There must be some way to make her stop this insanity!

SassyFemme said...

Eww, ewww, and more ewwwww! Maybe send her an anonymous care package of Clearasil, or whatever it is that's used now.

Kassi said...

brilliantly woven. I was captivated until the very last line, and then...I threw up a little as well.

Ern said...

Where do these people come from!?

PS, my code word is "htdrk" as in, I'm a "hot dork" It's funny 'cause it's true.

spoonleg said...

BWAHAHAHA! Fucking sick.

Don't send her a care package of Clearasil... send her a gift basket of Taiwanese male hookers. Obviously this woman is in need of a little action in her life. I kind of feel sorry for her.

Okay, not really.

katietoyboy said...

Excellently told. MORE, MORE, MORE we want more stories.

Amanda B. said...

Wowee wow wow. Holy crap. That is really frightening, but in that, "really...REALLY??" kind of way. :D

ScottyGee said...


My neighbors suck. Well, not really, but they don't probe various orifaces with foreign objects. I guess I am a little thankful for that.

If anyone ever visits Vancouver though, apparently you must stay at Kranki's to get a taste of the real local flavor.


kalki said...

Uh, couldn't that cause some sort of dangerous suction or something?

Love your stories - even the ones that make me throw up a little.

Von Krankipantzen said...

scribe-I love Kids In The Hall!! I wish my neighbours were that funny.

Closet M-I sometimes wish my neighbourhood was a little more boring. I really do.

Sqirl-it was "I am crushing your Head!" and it is my all time favourite skit. I think I will call that building The Armpit Building from now on.

easty-fortunately I don't have to look at her apartment window that often. Thank God, Jesus, Mary AND Joseph for that.

sassy-that is not a bad idea. I wonder if she would figure it out it came from me.

kassi-sorry about that. Seriously.

ern-my hood is filled with them. What dows that make me I wonder?

spoonie-that is classic. I think that might do the trick Either that or a facial at a Vietnamese massage parlour.

katietoyboy-I don't think my heart or my stomach could take any more of my stories.

amanda b-yep! REALLY! *shudder*

scottyG-anybody is welcome to stay but would they REALLY want to? So what do your neighbour's suck anyway?

kalki-good point. I only heard about this story and no sound effect were employed in its telling. I would have puked for reals then!

eclectic said...

Eeeeeeeek! Eeeew! Kranki that's just nasty -- face-picking, bottle-shoving and all! But you do write a funny story, little missy, and I'm laughing in spite of the sudden nausea...!

snaps79 said...

That's fucking gross. What a ho bag.

JessicaRabbit said...

Ok thats just wrong on so many levels..

Von Krankipantzen said...

eclectic-I felt a little queasy myself after I wrote it.

homie-that is exactly what she. EXACTLY!

JessicaR-Very high EW level.

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