Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

My First WTF

There is a mystery in my kitchen. In the grand scheme of mysteries it is pretty small. In fact I don’t think it may even qualify as a full-fledged mystery but perhaps is closer to a moderate puzzlement. Nonetheless it is still bugging me and I want to know what is going on.

My cutlery is disappearing.

A few months back I noticed a fork was missing from my set. I will preface this by saying I have a lovely matched set of eight settings of stainless flatware. It was a gift from my family. That is all I have. No tangled mass is mismatched cutlery for me. I know exactly what I own. It never leaves my house, as I don’t take lunches with me to work. I don’t have a hungry dishwasher and every piece is hand washed by me. I don’t have a garburetor to accidentally eat my silverware or gaping drains to wash stuff away. The only thing I could think of was perhaps the fork was thrown out along with some take-out food containers. But I somehow doubt it. It is not like I have any wild food parties in my tiny apartment. It is mostly just me and I am pretty observant about stuff like that. Today I just realised a spoon is missing too. This is just plain weird. Where could it go? It is driving me crazy.

This is not the first time stuff has mysteriously vanished from my possession. When I first moved into my apartment it quickly became apparent to me that my undies where going missing from the laundry room. Specifically my black ginchies were slowly disappearing. We are not talking sexy lacy black slips of sin but very functional cotton bloomers. In total several pairs, actually six altogether, went bye-bye. This was very mysterious as the house tenants at that time were all female. Except for the house manager. Logic dictates to me who was most likely responsible. I have no proof and could never back up my suspicions but the thievery immediately stopped as soon as I told the caretaker what was happening. You do the math.

So what do you think? Any theories about there? Where are my forks and spoons going?


Closet Metro said...

Ask Yoshi.

(my wordification is "pbflu" as in poop-butt flu. I think I had that once or twice. It was nasty.)

mrtl said...

Don't you know? The fork ran away with the spoon.

Susie said...

Did you see what Mookie did to Torrie's sweater? It's Yoshi. Cats are like that.

ScottyGee said...

Check your butt crack. What? It happens sometimes! Jeez.

I'd blame the cat. Sneaky bastards.

whfropera said...

I immediately thought cat as well - it is amazing what I find stashed under the couch.

Amanda B. said...

They have gone to "the pile" with all of my socks.

Ern said...

Did you ever read The Borrowers? About the little people that live in the mouse hole and "borrow" the big people's stuff to furnish their hole-house? Great books!

song said...

Ern - I read them. they were so funny

and I always have to buy new forks and spoons. i mean I have a three year old so it's porbably an easier explaination, but why not knives? why not big spoons? it's always forks and teaspoons that go missing.

Mind you, I always find at least one item of cutlery under my bed when I look. so gross, but true.

Magical_M said...

its the fork goblin.

second cousin, twice removed of the undie goblin.

distant relation of the sock goblin, who is resident at my place.

kalki said...

In my house, the cats are always to blame. For everything, even if it would have required opposable thumbs.


Juliabohemian said...

fork gnomes. they're known to break in and steal just one fork. they work for crate and barrel actually. their goal is to create incomplete sets and force obsessive compulsive people to go out and buy new flatwear.

Kassi said...

Yoshi did it.

But if you want a real [and boring] answer, I would make sure that you aren't accidentally throwing them away. I've done that a few times. I've lost more pizza cutters that way...

Von Krankipantzen said...

Closet M-I would blame Yoshi but she is missing too. Just kidding.

mrtl-what sordid things are going on in my kitchen!?!

susie-I checked that out and it is so wrong. I have gotta ask the cat about all this.

scotty g-good call. I did check my ass and while there were no utensils I did find $1.83 in loose change, a pizza menu and my neighbours umbrella.

whfropera-that is the first place I looked. Mostly because I eat while sitting on the couch. Yoshi is blameless.

amanda b-I have always wondered if The Pile exists. My socks go there too.

ern-I will check out those books. And try to locate my local community of Borrowers too.

song-that sounds very much like little 3 year old fingers. I wish I had a kid to blame this on. The cat will have to do.

magical m-I live in a very old house so goblins in the basement sounds reasonable to me.

kalki-I am thinking of blaming my cousin who lives in another province. Works for me.

juliaboho-damn those chain home dec stores. IKEA is next.

kassi-I am guessing that is what has really happened. I don't know how but I must be throwing them out.

Memphis Steve said...

I don't know where they are going, but I hope you find them soon. And maybe when you find them all your black panties will be with them?

I'm a dream, what can I say?

snaps79 said...

Are they pretty expensive? Like, silver that needs to be polished? That's SO weird.

Fuzzball said...

Dude, if you find them, let me know. They're probably somewhere partying with all of my knives. I'm getting really tired of trying to cut things with the tiny Santa Claus cheese knives that I got as a White Elephant christmas present five years ago.


Von Krankipantzen said...

memphis steve-love your profile pic. If there is such a land in existance where my cutlery and panties live in harmony I so want to go there.

hdl-they are not real silver but the pattern is discontinued and I cannot get replacements very easily. I wish I knew where they went.

fuzzball-so with you it is knives? There is a conspiracy somewhere. DAMMIT!

Squirl said...

Did you ever watch South Park? They showed the Underpants Gnomes. They even had a little business chart:

1. Steal Underpants
2. ?
3. Profit

Maybe they stole your underpants, couldn't figure out how to make a profit so they're taking the stainless steel. You never know.

Jena said...

I don't do spoons. The disappearing fork would bug me, but whoever would be taking the spoons could have them. Well, just check out my blog header -- you'll understand better.

JessicaRabbit said...

They have gone to the 5th dimension with all the socks people lose. Its true. Ren and Stimpy told me it is. Dont go looking for them there, you can get turned inside out, and thats never good.

spoonleg said...

I am the spoon goddess. All spoons that see the light find their way unto my everlasting love. Then I use them to eat ice cream.