I didn’t post anything yesterday because I was too depressed. Now you’d think that being diagnosed with cancer and having surgery and then getting the bad news that means having chemo, and then having chemo and then going through radiation with even more surgery in my future would bum me out. So far I am doing ok with that. So what harshed my mellow yesterday? Shopping. Specifically shopping for clothes IN A LARGER SIZE because during all the surgery and chemo and radiation my ass has grown significantly larger.
For most of my life I have been a nice slim young lady until about 5 years ago when I was prescribed some new fangled antidepressants. Not only did they make me even more depressed but also they made me gain about 50 lbs in a single month. Slowly I have been taking off that weight and it is simply horrible to see the numbers creeping up again. My body is a whole new shape that I have to learn to dress. I have this gross double chin and look bloated all the time. So instead of having a lovely day with my mom buying myself some new and pretty outfits it was a total slog to cram my huge buttocks onto one pair of nasty jeans after another hoping to find something that merely fit. Forget about something flattering or cute or trendy or sexy. It was just exhausting and tedious and depressing and an all ‘round shitty day.
I don’t feel the slightest bit attractive anymore. I have this totally butch hairstyle and while many a lovely cancer lady has rocked this hair thing for all it’s worth I don’t feel like I am pulling it off. I just feel butch and fat and nasty. Not like I want to be feeling which is strong and sexy and kicking ass in the world. I know that I shouldn’t be concerned with superficial exteriors but instead be focused on what is going on inside of my body. But I don’t have to look at my insides in a mirror every day. I am just going to be vain right now.
I know I should be exercising but I am so damned tired all the time. I know I should be juicing rainforest fruits to boost my immune system but Wendy’s Frosties are what’s calling out to me in the night. I should be wearing make-up and dancing the night away but I haven’t even bothered with mascara for months and the couch is more my speed.
Now I know that cancer is a very difficult and complex thing physically and emotionally but I just wish I was feeling better about myself. I wish I was thin and had my long hair again and didn’t have stupid cancer.
This sucks!
20 comments:
holy crap! you need a spa day.
Anon is right, you definitely need to be pampered.
And don't be too hard on yourself. Who says you should be exercising? Do what you can, but if you are tired, your body is telling you that it needs all it's resources as it works to be well. And food can be very comforting. Don't berate yourself for wanting a Frosty (LOVE them!). Have some juice or veggies on the side if you feel like you be needin' your vitamins. And the clothes and the hair--well, this is temporary. You have years of health ahead of you after this bump in the road.
Also, you can always vent, whine, and bitch to the Internet. We'll listen. It's ok.
Hey baby I understand. No I have never had cancer, but I have had huge medical problems and repeated surgery and even time spent in a wheelchair. I understand your frame of mind with the non sexy, hating your body, no makeup, I need to feel pretty again.
This sounds lame, but it will come back,when your less tired, when your body is ready, it will happen and your going to be ok. And alive, and anything will be possible.
And I will come get you and honk your new hoots and take you out on the town and you will be looking FINE.
All in time, Kranki. All in time.
Like I said in my email, my ex went through the exact same thing when she had chemo and the stem cell transplant. It does get better. Your energy will come back and you'll kick off that weight and your luxurious mane will come back. You'll also have a brand new rack too!
You were rocking the butch cut in your last picture of it.
You may not feel it right, now but you are still a hottie. It's just going to be too much for the world to handle when you become even more so after all of your medical nonsense is over. Men of Vancouver watch out!
Just have faith that it will all be better soon. You'll be thin again and you won't even want to put on pants!
Stace-o-licious,
Don't throw your "skinny" clothes away, you'll be back in them before you know it. Like Ern said (and that girl is Supah Schmart, you should listen to her) don't be too hard on yourself for eating gooooood stuff like frosties. Try to hit the fruit juices too, just for the sake of not feeling guilty for not drinking them.
Patience, sweetie, patience.
It's like that little redheaded orphan said..."the sun will come out tomorrow."
apparently there is something in the air today, because I woke up today feeling the same f-ing WAY (except my health prob is different), and its my birthday.
I think you and I should go out on the town and show everyone what really CREATIVE people can do make themselves look gorgeous. We should design something for each other!
Blove you, and a gift from me is on its way to you, unless you received it already...
Dammit -- I'm so sorry the day was unkind. I have to tell you though, your face in a butch hairstyle is still YOUR face, and it's beautiful. You'll have a different day with an opportunity to kick the shit outta this unkind one soon enough. Hugs!
Don't worry about wanting the Frostie instead of the 'freshly squozen rainforest fruits'. Self treatment is so important. It may not be the best for you physically or nutritionally, but it'll do you good regardless.
Take care.
Two words---fancy earrings.
--Montana Anna
vanity is a lovely thing or a horrible thing - I'm not really sure which one because I'm vain. Anyway - baby, you are strong - you are awesome - you are beautiful & you are brave. Just think of how you're coming back - better than EVER!!!! It'll just take some time :)
Things will get better soon. You'll be back beautiful and strong, which I think you still are.
I wish you didn't have cancer either. You are a strong person, and although there will probably be more days like this, know that tomorrow is another day, and it WILL get better.
And if Frosty's and TV are what you want... so be it. There will be plenty of time for juice and exercise when you get your energy back.
Yep, totally sucks ass.
But look at all that blove up there! Look at all those people who want you to feel better and blove you no matter what!
THAT doesn't suck at all.
It's Friday now so I assume you have realized that everyone loves you no matter how little makeup you wear.
And I also assume you are busy squishing your poor cats head as you tend to do..
It's Friday. Have you crushed your cat's head today?
Hey, sweetie! You may not feel like it but you're gorgeous right now.
Everyone else is right. Once you're feeling better you'll be able to kick those pounds off.
kranki,
you might already know about this but there is a program that is sponsored by cosmetic companies called "Look great, feel better" (I am sure the BCCA has more information), I know 2 women that poo-pooed it before going and actually really had a good time and walked out with bags of fabulous treats - It's like a super makeover and pamper time just for you.
I know you have loads of support, but if you want more there is also a group in town called "The young and the breastless", I can get the contact information for them if you are interested.
but nothing beats a day at a spa!
kerry
You are so beautiful . . . to me . . .
OK, we've been doing lame old songs at my place, but THAT is the truth. You have a whole room full of exceptionally bright, gorgeous people here who think you are ALL that. Oh, kranki, I'm not just blowing smoke up your larger ass; you look beautiful in the traditional sense, but so much more importantly, we see your spirit. And you are Miss Universe, baby. You know what, I went from being a college cheerleader, skinny enough to be thrown up in the air, to being 100 pounds heavier, during the course of years of infertility treatments and 10 pregnancies. I lost a lot of it, but I'm still plenty plump. And I decided at some point to keep looking at the world through pretty girl eyes. That means that I smile at people and expect that they'll find something about me that they like, and they do. I don't hide my ass; I write blog posts about it and decorate it with multi-colored flashing bows. Do I have to send you some assbows? Because I will do it, missy. You are a beauty. Live beautifully. Live. Beautifully.
Sending love.
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
OTOH, not that I am either a doctor or a psychologist: I think it's a wonderful positive thing, that you are pissed off about your weight rather than scared stiff about the cancer. Whine on, Kranky!
Annon-you got that right!
ern-thanks ern. Thanks for listening.
jessica rabbit-poor you. But now I know you TOTALLY understand!
scottygee-thanks so much. I will be rocking it before I know it.
hdl-thanks so much. You were totally right. I got over it quite quickly.
divine calm-like a a greek restaurant? Cool!
closet m-thanks so much. I won't throw out the skinny clothes yet...
whfropera-no sign of it yet. But wow! How exciting. I know you got my ecard but what a bad day to have a bad day. Birthdays should be fun.
eclectic-It was just one of those days. I am much kinder to myself now.
leafgirl77-thanks. I have decided that a Frostie is ok but only once a week.
montana anna-I'll have to get mine out of storage. I used to wear them all the time. Good idea.
silly n-time is everything. I just gotta give myself some time.
dima-thanks so much for that!
erinmccalla-my motto these days is, "Whatever gets me through the day!!"
carol-I am saving up for a mani/pedi as I type. Woo!
mrtl-thanks for the hugs!
twisted u-ahhh...doggy lovin'.
misfit-the blove blows me away every time. I am so lucky.
happyandblue2-that waht I need. More cat head squishin'.
squirl-thanks so much. I'll lose it soon, I know.
kerry-thanks for the suggestions. I had forgotten about the beauty day at the Cancer Clinic. Apparently you get SHITLOADS of great free stuff. I'll get on that ASAP.
susie-aaaahhh! ASSSSSBOOOOOWWWSS!
You are too sweet to me.
kalki-that made me laugh out loud.
udge-good point. I heavy heart doesn't bitch about extra weight.
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