Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Thursday, November 24, 2005

At Which Time My Head Explodes

I have been a very bad blogger . Not posting for two whole days. I do have valid excuses and can even provide a note from my mom if necessary.

Tuesday night we had a strange power surge in our area, which knocked out my cable. For me that means both my TV and Internet went down AT THE SAME TIME!!! Fortunately I was saved from certain spontaneous combustion by the fact that I had a very good book to read. Yesterday I had three doctor appointments in three different parts of town and I also went to visit my parents since they are missing me now that they no longer have to come over to help me out everyday as they did during the chemo months. They fed me and I got home very late.

So that is why I have not posted for a while. Rest assured, I missed you all.

I had a highly productive day, today, as far as kicking ass. It started early this morning as I was driving to my radiation appointment. I should preface this by saying that this week has been particularly heinous as far as traffic infractions are concerned. I don’t know what is going on but I have had so many near misses where either somebody has nearly hit me or done something really dangerous near me. I am lucky to be in one piece. Along with threats of actual bodily harm I have also had to suffer with some serious annoying behaviour. Specifically really slow old people.

This morning was the third day this week I was trapped behind an old person driving in the Cancer Clinic parking building. This structure is six level floors joined by very steep access ramps. This morning I once again found myself behind an old lady in a big gas-guzzling car that was going ½ MPH through the parkade. I have to admit I am usually in a chronic hurry at the clinic as I try to get there right on the dot to avoid waiting in the waiting room which I hate as well as excessive parking costs. So being behind a fogy can really fuck up my day.

I cannot begin to explain, although I will try, how excruciating it is for me. I bet I could saunter in stilettos faster than this lady was driving. The worst part was when I was attempting to ascend the steep ramps, fighting the effects of gravity while trying not to rear end her car. I could hear my clutch weeping over my bellows of, “GGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! GGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

I then had a “discussion” with the parkade attendant over the fact that he was charging me for a full hour of parking even though I waited about 10 minutes in line waiting to pay which made me go over the half hour cut-off by 3 minutes. I changed his mind. I also had Henry Rollins raging on my car stereo, which might have added to the pressure.

I returned home to witness the ongoing battle of wills and garbage between the house next door and the house where I live. There is a bizarre history of recycling box theft that strangely coincides with my downstairs neighbour’s parties. We have “lost” two other recycling boxes in the last 4 months alone. I guess they could have been stolen by some needy passer-by however our neighbours have had the same recycling box since Jesus walked this earth. How come their blue box never goes missing? Hmmmm?

What happens is Dude Downstairs has a get-together usually culminating on the front porch, which disturbs the whole neighbourhood. Instead of the cops being called or a complaint made directly to the disturbee or landlord what occurs is that our recycling box goes missing the following garbage day. It is uncanny. Dude Downstairs had another gathering this Sunday so I suspected that our boxes would disappear today and I was not wrong. I came home and saw one of our two boxes in our neighbour’s yard. I ran upstairs to get my camera so I could take evidential photos and to my glee when I returned downstairs the next-door neighbour, Boris, was just pulling up in his car. With new adrenaline refreshing my parkade jolt I approached the thief.

“Why is our recycling box in your yard?”

“I don’t know.”

“Did you know that our boxes go missing all the time? Do you know anything about that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Have you seen the other recycling box? There is another one still missing.”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you sure you have no idea why our boxes go missing all the time?”

“I don’t know”

Scintillating conversation. I marched into his yard and collected our bin. Total fucker.

Right after, my crackling rage motivated me to get out and take a walk. Even better, a walk to the sushi restaurant for a nice lunch. I had kicked ass after all and stood up to The Man. Sashimi was required if not mandatory.

Approaching me and my continuing hatred on the street was a rather large burly guy walking his dog. Not just any dog but a little tiny Yorkie. This little tiny Yorkie had a rather short haircut, which necessitated the use of a coat. But not just any doggy coat but an eeensy teensy shearling coat. Double breasted. With eensy teensy WEEENSY patch pockets.

My heart shattered into goo. My rage, hatred and loathing were no match for the brilliance of patch pockets on a double-breasted shearling doggy coat.


happyandblue2 said...

You certainly lead a life full of adventure and weird animals with coats.
Did the dog have a carnation in it's lapel.
When I get really old I plan to go really, really slow and say "What's your rush" to everyone. For no apparent reason..

Closet Metro said...

If you do decide to go ahead with the sauntering in stilettos race vs. the geezer in the gas guzzler, be sure to take video, because that's hott.

Amanda B. said...

Happy Thanksgiving HotCheeks!

Dima said...

I would like to let you know that I enjoy stories of fights over recycling bins. And dogs in vests. And long posts with multiple story lines. And I also hate old people who drive slow. How do you feel about people who ramble on and on when they post a comment here?

Twisteduterus said...

dogs in coats, like gravy, make many things better

whfropera said...

no pictures of the coat?? my morning is ruined i telly ou - RUINED!!

my verification word is fatcrm - probably what my butt looks like after the "fattest day of the year"

Squirl said...

I hate being behind slow people. If I see a Buick and white hair behind the wheel, I am usually doomed.

Why don't they just call the cops when the parties get too loud? I've finally learned to call the cops. Works better than yelling out the window and then have your neighbor threaten you.

And the big guy with the little Yorkie in its special coat, how cute is that?

Thanks for posting. I have to admit that as much as I love everyone's blogs, when I'm really busy and I jump in and it's an older post I feel like I'm off the comment-hook for a while. :-)

Sharkey said...

Amazing how those little pooches and their cuteness can do that, isn't it?

Holy Schmidt said...

Happy Turkey day! Hope you had a great one.


mrtl said...

Oh blast the rage shattered by a doggie coat!

The husband has educated me on Canadian holidays. Please pardon my ignorance. ;)

eclectic said...

Patch pockets?! Oh, for a photo...!

hemlock said...

With respect to bad drivers (young, old and everything in between) your "GGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"is very similar to my "FFUCKER!!!!!" and "Get the fuck out of my way!!!"

Glad to see I'm in good company.

circe said...

Aw Kranki, I wish you had gotten a pic of the doggie. LMAO..........

kalki said...

I remember that once I had a post about my driving pet peeves (like slow people in the passing lane - wtf?!) and the same day (or so) you had a post about not sweating the small stuff and it was very zen-ish and I admired that and realized, somewhat ashamed, that maybe I should re-evaluate my own perspective.

This post makes me feel MUUUCH better.


Von Krankipantzen said...

happyandblue2-no carnation but the fact that it had lapels was enough for me.

closet m-trust me when I say me in heels is not hott unless you find lurching sexy.

amanda b-us Canadians had Thanksgiving last minths so you will jsut ahve to eat dome turkey for me. Thanks though!

dima-I too like long rambling posts as well as commetns. It is all good.

twisted u-mmmmmm...GRAVY!

whfropera-I would have killed for my camera at that moment. KILLED!

squirl-I couldn't agree with you more on all counts. I am finding it harder and harder to blog every day. Just not enough going on. Glad that it is still cool with everybody to miss a day or so.

sharkey-that dog was magical against my rage. Poof!

holy s-I hope you had a good Thanksgiving too!

mrtl-no biggie! Who woudl think that countries so close together would celebrate the same holiday 6 weeks apart. Weird!

eclectic-I KNOW! Slayed by the cuteness.

leafgirl77-I can tolerate a lot and then EXPLODE with yelling. It must sound funny to those on the street.

circe-I REALLY wish for a photo. It is such a shame I couldn't share the visual with you all.

kalki-the thing is that frustrating drivers are not small stuff. They are huge agonizingly annoying big stuff.