Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Friday, August 19, 2005

Like A Big Happy Family

While I have neighbours within my own house, as a household we have neighbours in the house next door to us. It is a very funky looking house with a well-tended yard and a purple colour scheme. It happens to be a boarding house owned and run by an Eastern European gentlemen I will call Boris. I have no idea what his real name is but Boris will do. Boris has a very motley bunch of tenants, one of which hit my car and then tried to swindle me out of a lot of money a couple years ago. I received a series of bizarre phone calls and threatening letters from this guy after he smashed my car and then tried to avoid paying for it. Fortunately a hawk-eyed man in the building across the street saw it all and provided me the necessary information to get the cops involved and my car fixed. However this story is not about that particular freak. It is about Boris.

Boris hates all of us who live in our house for the simple fact that we live here. In reality the feud is really between Boris and The Reign of Terry, our house caretaker. I am uncertain what the original problem was but they loathe each other with a ferocity I can only say amuses me greatly. However all of us must suffer. Boris “punishes” us by stealing our garbage cans, or just the lids from our cans. He plays loud polka music at us and puts his garbage in our recycling bin. I am not exactly sure what our crimes are as a household but I know anybody who is unfortunate to be in the front yard gets yelled at if anybody parks their car in front of his driveway. He never uses his driveway and often the person who has parked there is not related to any of us in any way but we always must pay for that particular action. Other than the occasional parking infraction the only thing I can think of we are guilty of is a poorly tended lawn and a laurel bush that used to over hang his property. Recently it was a friend of the downstairs tenant who momentarily parked his car in front of Boris’s driveway that resulted in Boris stealing our recycling box. I guess somebody had to pay. The funniest thing about Boris is that he doesn’t seem to care about being caught at his thievery. He regularly steals any new garbage can of ours even with our address painted on the side. He proudly and blatantly carries our garbage cans filled with his trash to the curb only for The Reign of Terry to dump his garbage back into his yard in order to reclaim the bin. While Boris is fairly passive aggressive he is not subtle.

My in house next-door neighbour has tried to be friendly to Boris in order to change his perception of all of us. I don’t even bother. I know he is a strange old man who needs us to make his day worthwhile. Boris needs a reason to get up in the morning and if sitting on his front porch glaring at us coming and going with our daily routines is what it takes, dude, feel free. Maybe part of my glee over the whole situation is seeing The Reign of Terry get all worked up over a few milk jugs in a recycling box or a dirty look over the fence. These sort of events give a quaintness to the neighbourhood that would otherwise be busy, dirty and impersonal. Boris and his vendetta make our neighbourhood homier.

21 comments:

whfropera said...

what is it about people and garbage cans? we have a dumpster behind the building, and people all over the neighborhood come to use ours instead of their own. I will see people from down the alley come walking through, past their own dumpsters and the other neighbors, just to put garbage in ours. and ours is the smallest, because its meant for just this building - not the entire block and parts unknown...

mrtl said...

Ok - so this was a great post, and very funny, and even reminiscent in a way. But what I must comment on is your final word.

Hornier?

To us in the U.S., "horny" is a term used for sexual arousal.

What the heck does it mean to Canadians?

mrtl said...

or ummmm.... is that hoMier... which would totally make sense...

shutting up now

Candace said...

mrtl needs reading glasses! mrtl needs reading glasses!

J/k. I saw the SAME thing the first time I read it.

LeaLea said...

Everyone should start bringing him candy and pies and smiling sweetly as you offer it..lol wonder what he'd do?

Boris said...

Does my vendetta make you horny, baby? Yeah-baby, Yeah!!

Terry said...

Hey Boris,

YOUR MAMA.

Squirl said...

You have some bizarre neighbors. I think that happens when you live in a large city but can't afford the really expensive rent. We have a bunch of jerks and weirdos around where I live. Good for you to be able to laugh it off as Boris just being local color.

You know, I just got back from NY city where we stayed just a block from Times Square. It was quieter there than it is around our apartment in little Grand Rapids, MI.

abcd said...

Thank you for stopping by to
say HI. We took Grace home Friday,
and we flew home this afternoon.

I hope you are feeling well.

Nikki

abcd said...

Please tell you cousin "Thanks"
from all of us.


Nikki

whfropera said...

Squirl?
and you didn't tell me? Damn, I could have gotten you opera tickets!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Joe Lancione said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tom said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Squirl said...

Opera, shoot, I didn't think about it. We did see "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf" and "Rent" while there, though.

LadyBug said...

What a sweet way to look at that situation, Kranki. You have such a kind heart.

Von Krankipantzen said...

whfropera-I don't know what that is about either. Dumping is a big problem in my hood too. People think they can freely toss couches or mattresses and stuff into the bins and that costs big buck for the apartment buildings. It sucks.

mrtl-tee hee! Well Boris doesn't make me hornier but I can post a pic and get your opinion.

misfit-damned font! I didn't even think about that when I wrote it. Or maybe this is just some sick minds going there. ;-)

lealea-he hates us so much he would probably think we were trying to poison him. Seriously.

boris-it is hrd to think of you as a sexual being when you listen to polka music.

Terry-hey buddy! YO MAMA!

squirl-belive it or not I actually do live in a good neighbourhood. Just a very old and busy one. Lots of weirdos here. High density. More freaks per square mile.

nikki-sorry to hear Grace is going home. I am doing just fine. Thanks so much for coming by. I passed on your message to Lbo. Thanks so much. Hope you are doing ok.

whfropera and squirl-what a shame you didn't connect. But it looks like you got a couple shows in anyway.

ladybug-I wish I could be nicer to the guy. He is such an asss. But I certainly don't actively loathe him like everybody else does.