Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Who Needs Fiction When You Have This Kind of Life.

Things have been very busy around the Kranki Krash Pad. I’ve done things, seen things and traveled to far away places this week. Get all cozy under your covers and I’ll tell you a bedtime story or several.

I consider myself a very mild mannered person. I don’t yell, I don’t hit and I certainly don’t freak the fuck out. If I find myself in a bad situation I try to rise above it all and emerge unscathed and well established on the higher road. Until last week.

So I was in this suburban mall parking lot.

I know! Most of you are all, “Yeah! I know where this is going!” and you are probably right. I had backed out of my parking spot and was just cranking the wheel over to go forward and out of the lot when this woman in a van pulls up to my front bumper. Reeeeaaaaally close. I drive a full sized early 90’s 4-door Jetta so this isn’t some tiny car that zips around tight spaces. I need a little room to move. So there I am backed up so my rear bumper is right up to a parked car behind me and I need that room in front to turn my car so I can go forward and straighten out to drive out etc… But right up to my front bumper is this van. And she continues to let her van roll even closer to me so I am basically trapped. She immediately starts cussing me out and waving her hands around. I reply with an incredulous look combined with the showing palms gesture of exasperation. She then starts to REALLY spaz out and scream at me. Clearly I cannot got very far because at this point she is about 6 inches from my front bumper. I just don’t understand why she cannot see she has gotten us into this predicament and needs to back up herself to give me some turning room. And it was not like I backed out right in front of her as I was totally clear to back up and she was actually stopped farther down the row with her turn signal on to go into a different spot. I guess she changed her mind and would have had plenty of time to see me pull out before approaching.

So I get stubborn and just sit there for a few seconds with my arms crossed.

The woman is literally shaking her head around and yelling, “GO! GO! GO!”

Sadly I cannot because she is blocking meeeeeeeee.

Then I just snapped and for the very first time in my very vanilla life I retaliated. I looked her square in the eye and mouthed very clearly, “FUCK YOU BITCH!” And the funniest part was she looked at me like I was the potty mouth evil hag after she had been cussing me out the whole time already. I guess I must have looked livid.

When I told this story to a friend she couldn’t believe I had done it. This is very unlike me.

I then cranked the wheel over and inched back and forth within the foot of space I had to maneuver and finally was able to get around her. I laughed the whole time and I know she could see that too.

I have to admit it felt really good to do that. My inner ‘feist’ is coming out in surprising ways.

Then on Friday I dog-sat my two girls, Xiola and Lulu for the whole day. I took them to the dog beach where they can run around off leash and play with loads of other dogs and jump in the ocean if they want. We came back to my place and I gave them both a bath and then we went for another walk to the park where I planned to brush them thereby giving all the wee birdies and animals clumps of fur to add to their nests and totally keeping my apartment a fur free zone. I sat on the grass and not long after this woman just walked up to me with her two Chihuahuas and sat right down next to me.

Oh! OK!

So we started talking and it became evident that she might be a little mentally disabled which explained her lack of personal space boundaries with complete strangers. We had a nice chat and I brushed her dogs too (all 5 lbs of them) in the sunshine. It was obvious she very much loved her dogs and when I asked questions she almost entirely answered me as if the dogs were speaking themselves.

Me: So what are your dogs’ names?

Lady: (baby voice) My name is Romeo and even though I am very little I think I am very big and I get into fights with large dogs and bark a lot to show them I mean business.

Me: Oh…um…what is your other dog’s name?

Lady: (higher pitched baby voice) My name is Juliette and I am the boss. Romeo thinks he is the boss but I let him think that way but I am really the boss and I sit in my mommy’s lap and never ever ever ever let her get up.

Me: Hehe… um…Well, Romeo and Juliette, you are both very cute.

Lady: (singsong voice) We knooooooowwww!

It was while sitting with Romeo and Juliette’s mom that I saw something I have never seen before and I hope I never see again. This woman and her small son were walking along a nearby path and she was shouting at him about something. The kid, I think about 5 years old, wasn’t saying anything or whining that I could hear but this woman going on and on about how he was not listening and bugging her and such. When they got about 30 feet from me she stopped and her voice got louder and louder and she suddenly spit on her child. Yes. SPIT ON HER OWN SMALL CHILD. It was all I could do not to say something but I had a large dog with me and I wasn’t sure how Xiola would react if this lady freaked out on me and did something stupid. She seemed really nuts. Poor little kid is going to be Hannibal Lecter when he grows up.

Then yesterday my mom and I ventured into the deepest and darkest of suburbs to visit the Holy Grail of shopping destinations. Yes, we FINALLY have gotten an H & M clothing store. I have seen them in other cities for years and years and I just couldn’t figure out why Vancouver didn’t have one yet. We have all the big designer stores and other big names but no H & M. Well we have one now in a nearby town and a downtown Vancouver one will be opening up in Spring 2008.

Sadly I cannot rave too much about it as the store was so packed with back to school teenagers and moms with kids and strollers you literally couldn’t move. There was a huge line-up to try stuff on and everything was so picked over. I’ll go back once school starts and let you know how fabulous it is.

And an update- Yoshi is now talking to me again as I bought her a nice big playzen tuben that she LOVES! I am the cool food lady now (with a 5 foot cat tunnel in the middle of her living room) and all is well.


Flippy said...

Yeah, parking lots can bring out the beast in even the most mild-mannered of us. A few months ago, at the grocery store, I came out to find that someone who was parking their car behind mine, drove into my bumper...and left their car *ON* my bumper. They scratched my white bumper and left the evidence. I left a note and thanked them for being an asshole. I couldn't help it.

I once scratched someone's bumper in a parking garage where I used to work...and I left the person a hundred dollar bill (and an apology) to get the small scratch fixed, which they never did.

I've never heard of an H&M store. Either that makes me a foreigner or not hip, or both.

I like Yoshi's tube. We have a floor littered with crinkle sacks, cubes, and a big ol' cat tent. We also have seven cat trees in the house. They love the stuff, and it's nice to see them happy.

mrtl said...

oh the stories i could tell - seems i've become a bigger flake with the hubs gone. whatev. embrace your inner bitch, kranki, and blog blog blog! hee

that mother should be shot.

Ern said...

Wow, you've had an eventful week! Everybody needs to snap on occasion. And it sounds like crazy lady (#1 of 3) deserved it.

Ern said...

Also, your description of the chihuahua lady had me cracking right up!

alan said...

It's not like you were the one who started it!

Now I understand why Yoshi said all those terrible things the other day! Glad you are forgiven now!



Sharkey said...

I'd have paid money to see the scene in the parking lot! :)

The woman with the kid makes my blood boil.

Sounds like you've been busy with (mostly) fun things--very cool! Wish I could say the same.

Circe said...

I SO look forward to reading your posts as you have the most er, 'interesting' encounters. :)

I totally understand losing it with the woman regarding the parking situation. I, too, would have fought valiantly to not lose my cool and can't promise I would have kept it were I given the same circumstances.

The dog story was hilarious. Loved the doggie voices answering your questions. hehehe

And as for that mother (and I use that term loosely) blood is boiling so furiously right now that I can hardly type. I'm not sure I could have refrained from reading her the riot act or at the very least, turned her in to DHS. Still, I understand your reluctance considering your canine companions but I am so pissed about that!!!

HAR said...

Parking lots were made for arguments. They should just build a small arena in every parking lot for people to have wrestling Smack downs. This would really help get the tension out.
Shame on you for saying cuss words! ;)
Crazy lady in the park makes me nervous. Poor Romeo and Juliette.

Mom who spit on her child. I have NEVER even heard of such trash before but I bet this stuff happens more than we think. It is so very sad that the poor boy has to put up with this every day. It makes me sick.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Sigh...I don't get people sometimes.

You are being your authentic self. 'Nuthin' wrong with that, miss von K.

The mother who spit on her child? My hands are shaking as I type this, I'm so horrified.

kalki said...

I think you need to put Van Bitch and Spitting Mom in a room together and let them teach each other a thing or two.

hemlock said...

WOW, Parking Lot lady needs some help!! I absolutely love the visual of you sitting in your car just cackling while inching your way back and forth to get out of your spot. I'm sure it was FAR from humourous... but it makes me smile!

And yes, the Spitting Mother needs to not be a mother...

Squirl said...

There really are some freakin' idiots out there, wow!

How nice that Yoshi isn't on strike anymore.

Megan said...

ohhhhh...i just found your blog and I think I'm in lerv. check me out, feel free to lurk.

Amber said...

Thanks for reminding me of my own inner bitch. It would be totally unlike me to yell at someone, but I sure do WANT to sometimes! Hubby is always doing it for me. Which just makes me giggle. Thank goodness he doens't have a conscience.

candy said...

during the parking lot story, i was waiting for you to yell "YOU'RE IN MY WAY!". that's what i would have done (maybe).

i actually gave the finger to someone for the first time in my life the other day. he stopped right in front of the gas station exit i was (obviously) trying to turn onto and gave me a snotty get-out-of-my-way wave even tho he had plenty of room to go behind me OR in front of me to get to where he was trying to go. my mimed "i'm turning THAT way" didn't get his big ass truck out of my way. so i had to be the one to go a different way & i thanked him with the one finger salute.

it was weird because i never overreact like that, i just let things slide... but my hand went up before i realized what i was doing. i guess my "let jerks know they are jerks" instinct finally surfaced.