Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Friday, October 07, 2005

Lick It Up

I am enchanted with a new TV show I stumbled upon today. MuchMusic (Canadian MTV) is offering a little gem called Rock School. The premise is that a class of school kids will be taught to be a decent rock band; an idea taken from the movie School of Rock starring Jack Black. Yet much of the show’s charm is the quaintness of the children. These kids go to a very prestigious boarding school for the musically inclined in England. The uniforms resemble British barrister robes and are only missing the wigs. It is like they have been left behind in time. I think the age range is about 12-13 years for both boys and girls and they all have very upper crust accents. Snore, you say. So what? Oh, but there is more. The school has brought in an expert to teach these children rock n’ roll. The music instructor, a scion of authority and respectability, is none other than Gene “My Tongue Is An Extra Appendage” Simmons of KISS. Oh yeah, it is getting good. Mr. “Tie My Uvula In A Knot” walks into this class of innocent souls and educates/corrupts them on the finer points of rocking out. Do you have any idea how much money I would pay to be part of that class? BITCHMILLIONS! I have to confess to a certain fascination with Gene “Orally Hypnotic” Simmons starting in early teenhood. We are not talking about a typical rock star crush but more a morbid curiosity that somebody like that is actually real and not a cartoon character. He is simply, too good to be true.

So Mr. Luscious Mc Lickerson shows these little freaks that rock is not about technique and precision like they have been taught classical music to be all these years but about feeling and emotion and kicking ass. “Why little freaks,” you ask? The kids know NOTHING about rock music. Somehow, some way, their parents managed to raise them in a closet thus keeping them totally ignorant of The Devil’s Anthems. So posters of Jimi Hendrix and Axel Rose go up on the walls. The kids are encouraged to act out and air guitar on their desks to the horror of the headmistress. A lead singer is chosen based not on his singing ability but due to the fact that he is an outcast and, frankly, a bit weird. This is a show after my own heart.

Next week the kids debate with Gene Slutfestival Simmons his claim to have slept with over 4600 women. I am so tuning in for that.


Memphis Steve said...

My neighbor was a KISS fanatic when I was a kid. He made me hate them before I even knew who they were because he was so annoying about it. Now Gene Simmons is a gazillionaire via the constant marketing of KISS stuff and then you tell me he's on TV doing a reality show? Too much. But what really gets me is that he married Shannon Tweed. That BASTARD!

OK, I'm all done here. I have no idea what I was trying to say.

Henri Banks said...

I was born in 63 ,grow up with the beatles.punk teenager in 79 later came tecno and many more new styles but honest rock and roll never dies
Gene simons slept with 4600 woman and more my god why did he do that ?I had a couple of woman to in my life but 4600 thats toooo much !!!Sometimes i work for concerts in berlin (Security) and i know those girls they do anything to get Acsess to the artists and the most artist dont take them serious .Funny world

Candace said...


That little guy is SO sweet and SO misunderstood. We've seen it already here in the U.S, so I won't tell you how it ends, but I just LOVE that boy. I wanna take him home and expose him to Rollins and Black Flag and Generation X and let him dye his hair purple!!

(but Gene Simmons CREEPS ME OUT. His smile is EXACTLY like my ex-boyfriend's and I HATE IT!)

Closet Metro said...

Kranki likes the tongue!
Kranki likes the tongue!
Nyeah nyeah nyeah!
Nyeah nyeah nyeah!
Kranki likes the tongue!

(just need to find the right chords, and you'll have your very own rock-n-roll anthem)

fueltank said...

What you could do is read Simmons biography, I think it was called Kiss and Tell... I read it over the space of a bunch of visits to bookstores and it was fascinating. Very clever fellow, as it turns out. Smrt smart.

As for the whole groupie thing, the stories are true... under the stage on one of ths heavy metal shows I worked were polaroids of over 200, er, situations involving the fans of this particular band and the road crew. Not the band but the fucking roadies. Or fucking the roadies, not the band. Funny to think that if the set truck had been opened at the border most of the images would not have been allowed into the country.

So there....

back to

go podcast go

ScottyGee said...

I just keep reading your post title. You are a dirty girl! Hehehe.

I had a Gene Simmons Kiss figure when I was the kid. His album was the first record I ever owned. I also dressed as him for Halloween. I think I have pictures of this somewhere.

Erin Mc said...

I loved the lead singer, he was so adorable and I hated it when the other kids would make fun of him. Yea for the underdog!!

Dima said...

How did I miss this show?

I love Kiss. Gene Simmons is quite creepy though, well especially now that he's all wrinkley and thinking about 4600 women liking that gives me the chills. Must be the tongue!

Amanda B. said...

I used to have nightmares about Kiss all the time. Gene Simmons was always trying to lick me. *shiver*

Von Krankipantzen said...

memphis S-I learned about KISS through a classmate's older sister. I always wanted platform shoes just like them. I didn't really even listen to the music then. That came later.

a world of white trash-that is a lot of ladies. It is weird that he thinks this is a good thing.

misfit-I think I am going to love Emperor. I can't wait to see how this all plays out.

closet m-maaaaybe.

fuel-I can only imagine the shit those guys got up to. Did you yell, "My EYES! My EYES!" or did you drool a little?

scotty g-this dirty girl always wanted a KISS lunch box as a child but never got one. Must see those photos of you all dressed up.

erinmccalla-I can't wait to see this kid perform. He is going to kick ass. I bet this show changes his whole life.

dima-his tongue is what fascinates me the most. It is soooo creeeeeepy.

amanda b-one lady's nightmare is another lady's fantasy. Some would kill for your dreams.

Dawn said...

Gotta admit, when I saw the commercials for it on Much, I thought "no way in heck am I watching that." So, of course, I watch it, and found it to be pretty entertaining. Great, another reality type show to add to the list-LOL

spoonleg said...

Wow that show sounds AWESOME. Too bad that CABLE IS THE DEVIL and I refuse to pay the devil to take over my home and life, or lack thereof. But still, sounds awesome!

I forgot to ask you, Krank, if you had already seen, liked or owned School of Rock before I sent it in your care package. I hope you put it to some good use... kinda like Gene's tongue (which, by the way, is TOTALLY FUCKING GROSS, you perv).

Dawn said...

oh, happy almost turkey day. gobble,gobble.

pablito said...

Ok, I guess it comes down to the gay guy to slap some sense into your lost soul girlfriend...GENE SIMMONS???, HOCKEY???, APPLE PIE??? If a white van pulls up in front of your pad and I get out yelling at the attendants to throw you in the van, don't be surprised. You will then be brainwashed back into the Stacey I know.....did you ever go to Luv Affair??? If you see something grey running around your apartment, grab it cuz you have lost your mind!!

Magical_M said...

i love that show!! did you know gene simmons was really a teacher in a previous life? i wonder how many women he slept with in teacher's college...

oh and ace frehley was always my favourite. i think cos his makeup was prettier...

eclectic said...

If you like watching Simmons and HIS TONGUE, then you just go ahead, and say "screw you" to anyone who argues with you!! Anyone who goes through chemo gets to watch whatever they damn well please when it's over. My friend, Lisa, is IN LOVE with Paul Stanley and has been for as long as I've known her. Personally, I never liked KISS much, but I loved me some AC/DC tunes back in the day.

Squirl said...

Happy Thanksgiving Day!

I am a Milliner's Dream, a woman of many "hats"... said...

I remember KISS (and Aerosmith...and other Rock Music) blasting in our cafeteria in my junior high school.

I think (back then) I was afraid to like the "bad boy" and so had myself convinced that only a man who could write "Beth" deserved my affection. :)

I have seen a few episode of this show "Rock School" and think it ended on our version of MTV before I saw the conclusion.

It's weird--but I think Mr.Infamous (had to think of another name for him since you came up with several) teaches the youngsters (who really DO look like they belong at Hogward's School of Magic!) some confidence.


SassyFemme said...

Bitchmillions? ROFLMAO!

JessicaRabbit said...

its Tuesday now, and I want cat face. Where is the nose? No more tongue, NOSE.

Im twitchin over here, its not nice.

Ern said...

That's awesome! As in, AWESOME. I don't think we get that channel.

I loved all your Gene nicknames. :)

Von Krankipantzen said...

blogaholic-I usually boycott all things reality but this is a whole different thang. I think I'm going to get sucked in too.

spoonie- I LOVE School of Rock and totally love having the DVD at my beck and call. So thanks for that. Secondly does it surprise you that much that I dig Gene's tongue since I do worship the Evil that is Cable? The two are not that far apart.

blogaholic-thanks! Gobble Gobble!

Pablito-Since when is apple pie anti-gay!?! And don't give me a hard time about Gene. I only look but don't touch. As for hockey, I really have no excuse.

magical m-Ace is pretty cool too. I had heard about Gene teaching in the past. Somehow that scares me a little.

eclectic-I don't know what it is. I don't have a crush on Gene but that tongue is so mesmerizing. Like a car wreck. I cannot look away.

squirl-hey THANKS!

milliner's dream-I think so too. I think those kids' lives will change.

sassyfemme-works for me too!

jessicaR-I will post more cat's nose when I do my mrtl pet post this week. I promise.

ern-you guys probably got it ages ago on MTV. So far it is very entertaining.