Life in the Slow Lane

Life in the Slow Lane

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

She Shoots, She Scores!

Hockey is back on TV starting tonight and, yes, I will be watching. My mom is slightly repulsed that I do enjoy this demon sport that seduces her husband away from her right at dinnertime for a half of the year. She has alluded that I am a traitor to my gender. I have to admit I wasn’t always a hockey fan and it did not come easily to me. It was more a function of necessity as back in the day it was either sitting in the living room, at every social gathering, with the guys (including my boyfriend) watching hockey or sitting in the kitchen with the wives listening to them talk about what assholes their husbands are and how Little Bobby is a freakin’ genius. I made my escape from wifely hell into the living room and slowly, slowly hockey started making sense to me.

A while ago my dad and I actually went to a hockey game to do some male bonding over beers and rubber nachos. It was a great night out but I have to admit that I was lost a lot of the time without the very informative commentator telling me what the hell was going on. Just when I would make out the name on the back of the jersey of the guy with the puck he would pass that bad boy and I would be back to square one. I found my attention wandering and some really excellent people watching commenced. Sport fanatics are a weird bunch with interesting outfits and face paint. Another time I went to a game with a friend and we got dirty looks for not participating in The Wave.

I don’t have the same focus on the screen as the guys do as I am not a hunter but a gatherer and can easily gossip with any or all who are willing to listen as well as write out my Christmas cards, plan for my weekend, cook a meal, play with the cat and eliminate world debt all the while cursing the refs and burping out loud.

Even now that I actually know what ‘offside’ means (even if I am not quick enough to know when it happens) and know vaguely who is on my local team (Go Canucks!) I still embarrass myself on a regular basis.

I often comment on how gross it is when the players spit and wonder why they can’t put a bucket behind the bench for discreet lugies. I have been known to pontificate on the finer points of each team’s outfits and hair-dos and facial hair. I fluctuate wildly between cheering on bloodthirsty fighting and berating individuals for being ‘mean’. I make up my own cute nicknames for players because I rarely remember the player’s names and mispronounce the ones I do know. I still ask stupid questions; the very same ones I ask every game because I don’t consider a dirty look or a frantic shushing hand gesture an adequate response. What is wrong with wondering who has the least teeth or why mullets are so prevalent?

But I love hockey because it is fast paced and thrilling as hell. The players are so young and emotionally invested in the game it is inspiring to watch them. I love that the game can turn in an instant. You can be behind and rally to kick ass at the very last second and you can lose a game the exactly same way. I love that it all takes place on ice causing amazing wipeouts and fantastic acrobatics. It is just so damned exciting!

So yes, I will be watching hockey tonight. And I will be watching America’s Next Top Model and doing my laundry at exactly the same time.


Closet Metro said...


hockey sucks.

(Granted, I did like going to the games when the North Stars were still in Minnesota and my roommate would get free tickets. But I only liked the games for the cheerleaders.)

Sharkey said...

My dad used to take me to North Stars games. I was too young to drink beer then, but we had a good time anyway.

I understand 'offsides.' But I never have been able to figure out what the hell 'icing' is.

mrtl said...

I used to have a North Stars hat! (stolen from the husband - I wonder what happened to it)

I was pretty into hockey for a while there. The last few years, though, meh.

Going to games is great. The Caps didn't have cheerleaders, though.

whfropera said...

ok, get on IM with me during the Wings games (Mon the 10th) and we'll chat our fool heads off.

My family thinks I'm nuts (opera AND hockey?) and I think Chris Chelios is hot, hot, hot...

Candace said...

I. Love. Hockey.

My three brothers played, my dad coached, and I would have given ANYthing to play, but I was "the girl". Gah.

But, unlike you, I *prefer* live games. I don't care if I know what's going on; the puck is flying, the skates are shusching, the sticks are clunking...I LOVE IT!!

Ern said...

I have a good friend who is totally girlie but a HUGE basketball fan. She does the same thing, goes from talking about which player is cutest into some big diatribe about all sorts of in-depth bb stuff that a lot of guys don't even know.

Have fun!

Oh, and 1 TV in the kitchen, one in the living room? For ANTM?

OH, and also, ANTM was not shown in my area last night because of a fucking baseball game. :P

Thus ends the rambling comment

kalki said...

You writing Christmas cards while watching hockey - yet another reason to love you.

east village idiot said...


Once again our stars cross. I LOVE HOCKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I proudly had a bumper sticker on my parents old car that said "Jesus Saves But the Rangers Score on the Rebound"

Amanda B. said...

I think you and Scottypants would be a hot couple. Why you gots to live in Canada??


ScottyGee said...

Amanda - hehehe. You think everyone and I would make a hot couple. One of these days I have to go on a the ScottyGee Humpatasic World Tour.

Kranki - You Rock.

Metro - Stop spreading your message of hate and ignorance. I'll slap. Don't make me do it! =)

Udge said...

Those are good questions. When I was a lad, the players had even fewer teeth than the current generation.

spoonleg said...

yeah, hockey sucks but mullets rule.

Amanda B. said...

Scotty- That's just cause I want you to date a cool chick. After Ms. Crazy Cat Lady, I should probably throw in the towel, eh? ;)

ScottyGee said...

Amanda - Well, Kranki is definitely cool AND cute. She may be a crazy cat lady too, but it's alright. Unfortunately every blog babe you pick out for me is on the opposite end of the Earth. Thanks for helping a brother out though. Kranki could beat me with a ruler any day for returning my overdue books. She's a totally naughty librarian. Hehehee.

fueltank said...

A gender trader huh? Some typos are just too great!

Most certainly an MSN hook-up while the Canucks and the Red Wings thrash it out... and as I have lived in BOTH cities I win no matter what happens!

Von Krankipantzen said...

closet m-so do you like ANY sports? Figure skating? Ballroom dancing? Just kidding.

sharkey-Isn't icing when the puck goes over 2 lines, or is it 3 lines? Or is that a 2 line pass? Oh No! SCOTTY GEE!!! What is icing? Other than something you put on cupcakes. That is my favourite type of icing.

mrtl-I wonder what turned you off. The sweetness of Bug converted you from the violence, I bet.

whfropera-opera and hockey are cool. And cute players don't hurt. If I get the game on TV I will IM you for sure.

misfit-that is so unfair that you couldnt' play. Do your kids play? I love the icey smell of the arenas.

ern-what? They pre-empted ANTM? The bastards!

kalki-I am so glad you love me for this as some mock and shame me for the very same thing. But what can I say? I am a multi-tasker.

easty-that is a GREAT bumper sticker. I want one too!

amanda b-this is the story of my life! So close yet so far away...

scotty-what can I say? You are one popular dude. With your charm you could totally get away with hooking up with the whole internet.

udge-I always laugh with glee when I see a hockey player talking away with all those teeth missing. It just really tickles me.

spoonie-you are a freak but that is what I love about you.

amanda b-I think crazy cat lady-ness is a GOOD thing.


fuel-DAMMIT!! I hate those types of typos as spellcheck doesn't get them. Or it was spell check that fixed it that way. I will correct it presently. It reminds me of my religious studies class where everybody would mess up tenet with tenant. Even the instructor.

ScottyGee said...

ladies - Icing is when the defensive team clears the puck from their defensive zone all the way down into the other teams zone. The puck has to go beyond the opposite goal line though. Sometimes they will wave off icing if the other team could have gotten to the puck and touched it up prior to it being icing. They will also wave off icing if it looks like a pass and less like a clear out sometimes. New rule this year, is that if a player from the team that iced it can get down and touch the puck before anyone from the other team can, it is not icing and play continues. It's a little confusing even for those of us that play.

Kranki - Thanks! Now what part of me did you smack? =)

Von Krankipantzen said...

scotty-thanks! Now there is another thing I can know in theory but never actually see in action.

Leigh-Ann said...

Woo hoo, hockey is back! I didn't know how much I'd missed it until I saw the smiling face of Don Cherry on my TV last weekend. The mix of Don Cherry, Ron McLean, and Tie Domi has turned even my southern California girlfriend into a hockey fiend.