The countdown continues until Chemofication and time is going by waaaaay faster than I would like. Time is subjective and I am living proof of that. I do have a mental one day respite as I thought my chemo was on the 21st it is actually on Friday the 22nd. I am desperately trying to change my mental outlook about this whole chemo process by telling myself that this is a proactive solution to an unfortunate situation and instead of dreading the process to embrace it as a positive step. Didn't fool you either, huh? Instead every antiquated notion of chemo I have seen on stupid movies and all the horror stories told by my friends of friends who knew somebody who was terribly ill many years ago blah blah blah runs through my head. I have been told by several very reliable sources that this is a totally bearable process. Many people continue to work and function quite well through it all. There are so many medications and support that will be made available to me to allow me to cope with this situation. While the thought of vomiting horrifies me it is not a terminal condition and I will live through that too. However, it is in my nature to worry and dread and catastrophise so I am my own worst enemy. It is weird to say that as cancer should be the bad guy here. Nope, my brain is out to get me. RUN!
I am very lucky that I live in the city that I do and that my treatment is completely covered by the province’s medical plan. The cancer clinic here is world class and is constantly used as a model by other countries in the world as the best treatment and delivery system available. I have watched somebody on TV get a chemo treatment and she was laughing and admitted to enjoying it as she was spoiled and treated so well by her medical team. So why am I so scared?
Well I have to say that I have a pile about a foot high of pamphlets and literature supplied by the clinic about my cancer and the treatment that I will be receiving. This information covers every possible aspect of my disease and treatment. Here is some stuff I have been reading about the last couple weeks:
-Information about the bone scan I had today. It was not bad at all and I didn’t even have a panic attack during it. I had a panic attack before and after but not actually while the scanner was running.
-Information about the ultrasound I will have on Thursday. I have to drink 4 litres of water and not pee. That is about a gallon for you American folks. Torture.
-A booklet titled “Support*Knowledge*Hope" which sounds so serious and, well, scary!
-Radiation Therapy and YOU! A Guide to Self Help During Treatment -scary sounding again! And I have to be proactive too? I thought I just had to lie down and take it like a man.
-Living and Learning-still serious and scary sounding. I would rather be living and partying.
-Lumpectomy-What You Need to Know-Holy SERIOUS, Batman!
-Questions to Ask About Breast Cancer-What You Need to Know-MAN! More stuff I NEED to know. The pressure.
-Chemotherapy-A Guide-this booklet is so carefully worded I am totally suspicious of it.
-Early Stage Breast Cancer-A Woman’s Resource Guide-more scary and depressing stuff. It has a pink rose on the cover to soften the blow.
-Questions and Answers on Breast Cancer-I am so sick of this stuff!!
-The Intelligent Patient's Guide to Breast Cancer-not AGAIN!
-Subject Information and Consent Form- no! I said I don’t wanna!
-Breast Prosthesis Bank-the only place I don’t owe money! Give me time.
-My pathology report-really depressing and I don’t even understand 90% of it.
-Post Operative Partial Mastectomy Physiotherapy Info-this means exercise! Oh no!
-Breast Surgery Outpatient Discharge Instructions-been there, done that, will be back soon.
-Post-Breast Surgery Exercise Program-even MORE exercises!
-Surgical drain instructions-EW! That was gross. Can’t wait to go through that again.
-Patient and Family Counselling Services-while this is wonderful to be offered and all I hate to think that what I am going through is going to necessitate therapy. I get therapy for day-to-day stuff already. Jeeez.
-mailing list consent-so MORE of this stuff will show up in my mailbox now.
-Caring For Yourself Inside and Out-this is sponsored by MAC and there are serious freebies offered. I am so going to this. And yes, I will blog about it.
-The Patient Guidebook-and on your left you will see the fake boobie department. On your right is the Bald Head Choir. I’d rather a guidebook to Paris!
-Exercise After Breast Surgery-Ok OK I’ll get off my ass already!
-A Guide For Women Living With Breast Cancer-this one actually looks like a mountain climbing supply catalogue. I am not kidding.
-Systemic Therapy Info-this is where I get a comprehensive list of every nasty side effect and other stuff I would rather not know about.
-Changes, Choices and Challenges-A Guide to Coping With Hair Loss and Skin Changes from Cancer and Its Treatment-lovely! Like the zits I have already are not enough.
-The British Columbia Cancer Agency*Research and Treatment-even more uplifting information.
-Suggestions for Dealing With Constipation-I actually don’t need this as I read Dooce regularly.
-Coping with Diarrhea- there is no God.
-Food Choices To Help Control Nausea-don’t go there with me.
-Coping With Taste Changes-does this mean chemo will cause me to start buying tacky clothes and flashy jewellery?
-Other Support Programs for Women With Breast Cancer – once again very nice and all but I hope to brush this off like a bad blind date.
So you see, under the guise of being helpful my treatment center is systematically reducing me to a gibbering pool of goo. To keep me better informed is to keep me incapacitated by panic attacks. I know waaaay too much, people, just toooo much. And on top of that NOBODY can tell me EXACTLY how I will feel through the whole process. So there is uncertainty thrown in for a little spice.
While knowledge is power, ignorance is bliss.
10 comments:
You said it--ignorance IS bliss! Those brochures are horrible; they have WAAAAAYY too much information.
Piece of unsolicited advice #457: Only read the stuff that's pertinent for you right now. Don't worry about radiation--save that for another day closer to when it will actually happen.
And get a copy of the book Uplift by Barbara Delinsky--it has lots of good info for how to deal with things. I tried to send you a copy, but Amazon.ca wouldn't accept my U.S. billing address.
Put the scary brochures away! Go on a shopping spree for some tacky clothes instead!
Talk about information overload!
"Breast Prosthesis Bank" - I thought this was like a blood bank, where prosthetics are held for you to pick out one you like. Sorry.
Sharkey's right. You'll need some tacky clothes to wear with your pink knit wig.
*unsolicited advice follows*
It's the unknown. That's what you're afraid of. Even though you have every single pertinent brochure known to man, and I'm sure that you've read and memorized each and every one (I know I would, were I in your position), you still *just don't know* exactly what's going to happen, how you're going to feel, and what the outcome will be.
Fear of the unknown is totally rational and normal. And while I don't have any helpful advice about how to overcome that fear, just knowing it is half the battle.
*unsolicited advice ends here*
My neighbor who just beat breast cancer took care of four kids under the age of 11 during her chemo and radiation. Yes, she had lots of help, but she still managed to make it to games, performances, and to volunteer at school.
You can totally do this!!
Oh, I forgot...something good to think about on Friday: my daughter's fifth birthday!! Think about a sweet little girl getting spoiled rotten all day long!
Will be thinking good thoughts for you all that day.
Hi Everybody!
Sharkey- I know you know. You are so right. I am off to get binders today so I can arrange this info in nice compartmentalized sections so I don't get overwhelmed with "The Pile". I am sorry you had trouble with Amazon.ca. I had no idea they did not accept US addresses until yesterday. I really appreciate you thinking of me and wanting to get me that book. I have requested it from the library and will definitley read it. Thank you for the suggestion. I have also added a link to an amazon.com wishlist so no good thoughts or intentions are thwarted again. And thank you for the not-so-unsolicited-advice as I would not be writing about my fears if I was not open to suggestions on how to cope. I am SOOO totally open to suggestions! Thanks!
Mrtl-I am so going shopping today. Getting me some seriously flamboyant lounge wear. Actually, you are totally right. The Prosthesis Bank is a collection of donated boobies. I just wish they could give me money. And the wigs are being knitted as I type by my cousin. Stay tuned for photos!
HDL-great idea, you are totally right - there should be a Chemo for Dummies. Maybe I can work on that whhile I am going through it. I will have to get together some pic for SPD. Hmmmm.... Thinking.... Yoshi will probably be involved.
misfit-The unknown SUCKS! I hate it! I am such a control freak it is spooky. This cancer is the ultimate confrontation of all my control issues. I am really going to learn from this. The other problem is that everybody deals with chemo differenctly and everybody has different side effects from it too. Not to mention all the other meds they give you to deal with the side effects and having their own side effects. I have been told that because I am quite young I will have an easier time opposed to somebody who is very old and unwell in general. Every good chemo story I hear bolsters my spirits so it is good to know you knew somebdoy who did alright. And Happy Birthday to your sweet daughter. I will think of her. It will be a great thought to get out of the whole "Me Me Me-ness" of the day.
No wonder you're nervous.This is a situation tailor made to fulfill all your particular nightmares. If I were a sadistic freak, bent on torturing you into screaming, drooling insanity, this is what I would come up with for you. Of course your body is screaming at you to excercise the "flight" option.
AIEEE! Never mind the cancer, those brochures are enough to make one psychotic! What the hell are they thinking? Copywrited by "Sadistic Freaks R Us", no doubt.
However, I know you. The way your body works, likely the chemo will cure your nausea. I still think with all the great anti-nausea drugs, it could be the first time in years you don't feel like hurling!
As bizarre as anything I have ever seen, I came across an add in Prevention Magazine for a drug called Edem, to add to your pre and post chemo regimen, to eliminate nausea. I was quite excited about this for about thirty seconds, then came across the possible side effects, one of which was nausea. More members of the SFRU Club!
It would be good to get the dread under control before Friday. Things don't go better with dread. Can't you just get really, really stoned on something? I had some pre-op meds once that had me looking forward to the surgery and plotting what I could have removed next so I could have more! All I could say for days was "That was fun!".
A serious option though, might be accupuncture. There is a spot on the top of your head that acts as psycho-anesthesia. I had a needle there when I had a root canal done with accupuncture. Yes I was severly anxious, as I had never had accupuncture, hated needles, didn't know if it would work, and had a very infected, extremely painful tooth which couldn't be frozen, and a dentist who didn't speak any language I could understand beyond rudimentary hand waving. To say I was tense would be somewhat of an understatement. He put that needle into the top of my scalp and I just melted. It was like having a shot of Valium or something. A very, very strong shot of Valium. With one additional needle in my hand, I felt no pain during the entire procedure. Predictably, I also plotted return trips requiring psycho-anesthesia, but he was no fool - he only let me get away with one more. If I could have figured out where to put the needle and how, I would have bought one and spent the rest of my days blissed out. It might be worth a try. I only suggest it because of the first hand experience I had. We actually have an accupunturist on staff at the U of A Hospital, I don't know about BC.
I am sending you calm thoughts. Stay away from SFRU literature!
l bo-you know what? They told me my cancer was slow growing and had probabaly been around for about 8 years. Well, it has been about 8 years since I have had all the IBS and nausea stuff so I am wondering if I am actually a hyper sesitive mega human who feels nausea when cancer is present in my body. I am hedging my bets that once the cancer is gone then the nausea will be too. That is my theory and I am sticking to it! While not as au naturel as accupuncture I am finding that a nice mix of beta blockers and clonazepam is doing the trick to tone down the dread and panic for me. I am bringing out the big guns for this one! I know the cancer clinic suggests accupuncture as a complimentary therapy but I don't know if there is someone there who could poke me on the premises. I will ask though. Good idea.
If they don't have anyone on site, sometimes acupuncturists will come to you. It's not like their equipment is hard to haul around!
I think it is good to aproach things from as many angles as possible.
You know how I like to blogger match-make -- I ended up at Sharkey's the other day, and was all, OOH! Gotta get her together with Stacey, and THEN I saw that you two were already linky! Good.
"Coping With Taste Changes-does this mean chemo will cause me to start buying tacky clothes and flashy jewellery?" This was the most important thing I think you said there. Your sense of humor. I swear it can save our lives. Keep it tuned up. We'll all try to help.
I think that choosing to believe when you kick the cancer's ass out of your body, the nausea will go with it is both excellent strategy and good sense. No reason that shouldn't be the case, the way you explain the timeline. You could end up in GREAT shape. Tha's what I'm talkin' about.
So glad no PA during the bone scan. I'm thinking that's better than you would have predicted. If so, remember that. "Things can go BETTER than I imagine."
I'll email soon. You know you're in my heart.
susie-I seriously thank God for my sense of humour becuase if I can't laugh then I'd cry and never be able to stop. You must find that couples you counsel do better if they have a sense of humour about themselves and each other. Thanks so much for your good thoughts!
fueltank-lookin' forward to seeing you! I'll wear my best hat. You and I ARE similar. We like the challnges and change. Mind you, I would not recommend cancer if you are looking to mix it up in your life. I would like to break my setting record and set stones sideways or somehting. I plan on posting photos of my jewellery soon. Scanning old pics is my new mission.
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