Right off I want to let everybody know that I have total permission from my mom to write about her eyebrows tonight. Just want to get that out there so I don’t have any family members kicking my ass for picking on my poor mom. People are very protective of her.
My mom is physically almost the exact opposite of me. She is petite, blonde, blue eyed and virtually hairless. While I dream of lottery riches leading to marathon laser hair removal sessions leading to life long bliss, my mom has no need to even shave her legs. She does but really doesn’t HAVE to like I DEFINITELY HAVE to. Let me tell you, I REALLY have to.
My mom has always coveted my eyebrows. I have to admit, my brows are pretty nice but I really have to landscape them very regularly to keep them that way. If left unchecked my brows would unify like the Colors of Benetton. On the other hand my mom, for as long as I can remember, has had to draw her brows on with her handy dandy eyebrow pencil. If I had a dollar for every time I have heard my mom say that she just had to “put her eyebrows on” before she could leave the house I could afford all that laser hair removal I so desperately need.
Recently the unthinkable happened, they stopped making the shade of eyebrow pencil my mom relies on for her very existence. What to do? Others were purchased but the shades were just not quite right. My mom decided to do what she had been threatening to do for years – tattooed eyebrows!
The morning came when my mom said she was going for her “special appointment” but I honestly didn’t think she would actually go through with it. She had been psyching us out for years by saying she was going for it and then bailing out due to the cost or outright nerves. I completely forgot about the whole thing so you can imagine what happened when she and my dad dropped by my place that afternoon.
I opened the door and apparently, according to my dad, the look on my face was priceless. The only thing I can equate the experience to is to imagine opening your door to your mom who has eyebrows that can only be compared to carefully cut pieces of electrical tape stuck above her eyes. There was my petite, cute and VERY BLONDE mother with two jet-black eyebrows. Then the inevitable question was asked, “What do you think?” When I got around to shutting my gaping pie hole I think my response was “OH MY GOD!”
I have to say that she was pretty calm considering that I would have been fucking hysterical if I had brows like that. But then I pretty much do have brows like that so what am I talking about? My dad and I sat in my living room while my mom tidied up my apartment-I was just post lumpectomy at the time. Every time my mom left the room my dad and I would start to giggle. When she would walk back in we would start to talk about the weather.
When my heart rate finally returned to normal we sat there and talked about The Brows and I had to think waaay back to when I got my tattoo. I assured her that the colour did mellow out a lot over time and what we were seeing then was a lot of residual ink just under the surface of her skin. We all decided that no fits would be thrown in any aesthetic salons until things healed up.
It has been a couple of weeks and the brows have, indeed, mellowed out significantly. My mom is thrilled that she no longer has to fight with a shaky hand every morning to draw something that might have to be construed as natural on her face. And we all know if The Mama is happy then we all are happy.
However, when anybody asks me about my mother’s new tattooed eyebrows I always say, “You mean The Great Sharpie Incident?”