I have to say that today is not a good day. For some reason, late last night, my seemingly endless supply of sarcasm and denial ran thin and I got very sad. I am now lounging in some serious self-pity and I don’t even have hormones to blame. This is for real whining.
I think it was listening to my Henry Rollins’ ‘Talk is Cheap” CDs yesterday that really got me thinking. This guy lives the lives of several people. He never stops and nothing is too wild or out there to do on his quest for knowledge and personal experience. He travels and tries new and exciting things and takes risks and is funny and smart about it. I have always wished to journey through life like that. I started out that way but then one thing or another prevented me from continuing the adventure. Things like other pesky health issues (difficult to treat depression and anxiety issues-pesky indeed!) and student loans and desperately trying to get a career off the ground. Yet I thought that I’d get it together and embark on my adventures as I was only in my mid thirties after all – I had plenty of time. I was going to have that Rollins life!
Well, getting diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 35 was not part of the plan. Once again The Rollins Life is on hold. I may not have all the time in the world to do what I wanted. So I got sad, and mad and pitiful and for the first time I actually felt like I had cancer.
It has been a strange thing to go along day to day knowing that I have cancer growing out of control in my body but not feel any different. However, today I feel tired and weak and dizzy and blah. I KNOW this is not cancer. This is sadness and depression and anxiety and that fucking self-pity. I told myself I would never feel self-pity. Never say never because here I am with violins wailing in the background and snotty tissues everywhere.
While I know I am supposed to be positive and that is really important, today I have been mentally giving away all my belongings to my friends and family and AGONIZING over who can care for my cat and picturing my friends saying to other friends how they once knew this woman who died young without fulfilling her full potential. And then I get very sad.
It has been actually a very hard decision to write about this knowing that my friends and family will read my blog and immediately get all concerned and freaked out. My mom will FLIP OUT reading this but the fact is that this is HOW I FEEL today I am guessing it is pretty normal for somebody fighting cancer. Or normal melodrama for me, at least. But sitting around waiting for tests and appointments doesn’t really feel like fighting and maybe that is part of the problem, too.
And then tomorrow I will probably wake up my normal grumpy and cynical self and know that I will kick THE ASS of this cancer not only out of my body but also out of the atmosphere. Until then I plan to lie in bed and feel sorry for myself.