I have to say that today is not a good day. For some reason, late last night, my seemingly endless supply of sarcasm and denial ran thin and I got very sad. I am now lounging in some serious self-pity and I don’t even have hormones to blame. This is for real whining.
I think it was listening to my Henry Rollins’ ‘Talk is Cheap” CDs yesterday that really got me thinking. This guy lives the lives of several people. He never stops and nothing is too wild or out there to do on his quest for knowledge and personal experience. He travels and tries new and exciting things and takes risks and is funny and smart about it. I have always wished to journey through life like that. I started out that way but then one thing or another prevented me from continuing the adventure. Things like other pesky health issues (difficult to treat depression and anxiety issues-pesky indeed!) and student loans and desperately trying to get a career off the ground. Yet I thought that I’d get it together and embark on my adventures as I was only in my mid thirties after all – I had plenty of time. I was going to have that Rollins life!
Well, getting diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 35 was not part of the plan. Once again The Rollins Life is on hold. I may not have all the time in the world to do what I wanted. So I got sad, and mad and pitiful and for the first time I actually felt like I had cancer.
It has been a strange thing to go along day to day knowing that I have cancer growing out of control in my body but not feel any different. However, today I feel tired and weak and dizzy and blah. I KNOW this is not cancer. This is sadness and depression and anxiety and that fucking self-pity. I told myself I would never feel self-pity. Never say never because here I am with violins wailing in the background and snotty tissues everywhere.
While I know I am supposed to be positive and that is really important, today I have been mentally giving away all my belongings to my friends and family and AGONIZING over who can care for my cat and picturing my friends saying to other friends how they once knew this woman who died young without fulfilling her full potential. And then I get very sad.
It has been actually a very hard decision to write about this knowing that my friends and family will read my blog and immediately get all concerned and freaked out. My mom will FLIP OUT reading this but the fact is that this is HOW I FEEL today I am guessing it is pretty normal for somebody fighting cancer. Or normal melodrama for me, at least. But sitting around waiting for tests and appointments doesn’t really feel like fighting and maybe that is part of the problem, too.
And then tomorrow I will probably wake up my normal grumpy and cynical self and know that I will kick THE ASS of this cancer not only out of my body but also out of the atmosphere. Until then I plan to lie in bed and feel sorry for myself.
11 comments:
I once saw Henry Rollins (my husband and I lovingly refer to him as "Hank") do his spoken word thing. This was back in the early 90s, at Indiana University in Bloomington, Indiana. I don't know if he's still touring around doing that, but if he is, run...don't walk...and see him live. It was absofreakinglutely amazing.
I can't say it any better than homedetentionlady. Hang in there, eat some chocolate, and take comfort in Yoshi's purrs. You know, a kitty's purr is very restorative. My three hung out with me during my recent illnesses and thank goodness for that.
Sending good thoughts your way.
Is there ever a reason to NOT have cake? I mean, come on, it's CAKE.
Now I wanna bake.
I can't thank you guys enough for your kind words and support during my shitty day. Things are mellowing out a bit, no more tears for a while. Only a major tummy ache which is a sure sign I am stressed. Everybody has been saying I've been handling this so well that I fooled myself I had it all figured out. It just ain't that simple and I was gonna cave at some point. I wish I had chocolate or cake or something like that but ginger ale will have to do.
As far as Henry Rollins goes I have seen him come to town for every spoken word show or band gig since the early nineties. Over a 1/2doz times now, I think! I missed him at Lolla because I was out of the country. I almost cancelled my tickets when I found out. When I was a youngster in highschool Black Flag was a fave band of mine. Not only do I totally respect the guy and his views of the universe I have an unhealthy crush on him too. How embarrassing! Exposed for the teenager I am inside! Nobody tell him I like him, kay?
My husband's band does a kick-ass cover of L-Dopa. Rocks the house, I tell 'ya.
Talk about unhealthy crushes...mine is Ewan McGregor. And I'm MARRIED. It's shameful, really.
But my wonderful husband will graciously allow me to ignore our wedding vows should Ewan McGregor ever want to shag me. You know, because it's so likely.
THAT'S love.
Hey, there. Been thinking of you while I was away. I hope today is better, but each day is what it is. As soon as you can, get back in Ass-Kicking mode, 'kay?
Stacey, love you.
I wish I could be there to hug you and pick up your snotty tissues. I am NOT freaking out, just here sending support your way and letting you know that the prayers are ongoing from this end (non-catholic) and that I'll put on my docs and help do some cancer ass kicking with you any time.
Love
mrs b
Hang in there, Stacey. It is important to be positive, but there's no way you can be positive ALL THE TIME. Accept your feelings for what they are, and don't feel guilty about your pity parties. I still have them sometimes, and it's been 3 1/2 years for me.
It's tough right now, but believe it or not, it gets a little easier after you start the treatment. Even though it sucks, at least you feel like you're doing something to fight.
And I totally know what you mean when you talk about not wanting to freak out your family. Telling my parents about my diagnosis was one of the hardest things, and I always felt like I had to be positive for them.
I'll be thinking of you today as you go to your appointment. Take care!
Stacey-Loo-Who I have to tell ya that even if you are having a shitty pity-full kind of day,you are still pretty funny. You really sould write for a living! As for freaing out the family - one more thing you do not need to worry about (and if I hear the "shame spiral" phrase, I may just have to fly out there and slap you myself!). We expect you to have days like that. It sucks. Full stop.
Satu the catu sends silky snuggles and Sable sends her bad dog breathe a la Mouse. The rest of us wish we could make it easier. How about buddhist prayers as all my catholic ones have gone to the pope?
Hope your tummmy feels better.
Love you.
There is a HUGE difference between feeling sad and worried, and feeling sorry for yourself. You are totally allowed to be sad and worried, and nobody should ever judge you for that, not even you. ~laura (laura-flea.diaryland.com)
Hi there. I keep coming to look in on you, sorry about wearing a hole in the welcome mat on your blog porch here. You're in my heart, I hope you're OK tonight.
Susie, Mrs B, Spoonleg, Sharkey, LBo and Laura.
And everybody who maybe has just lurked but sent good vibes too.
Big hugs and much thanks to you all for your comments filled with love and support. Over the last couple days, whenever each new comment pinged on my computer, I would read it and be feel really lucky that there are all these people out there, many who wouldn't know me if they passed me on the street, who are rooting for me right now. I promise you - it REALLY helps! Thanks!
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